"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise— in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?"
Psalms 56:3-4
I'm sitting on my porch this beautiful Sunday morning...there's a bit of coolness in the air that feels so good...and the birds.... singing to the Lord like it's their job....when actually.....well.....it IS their "job". They have zero fear. They have no "what ifs". They aren't waiting for anything. They are present. In the moment. Doing what they do.
I am waiting....not with anticipation but with trepidation. My mom fell and broke her hip. I'm waiting for the hospital to call with her surgery time. I got up very early so I can be ready when they call. I thought, "God, I'm just going to open my Bible this morning." My thoughts are scattered, my stomach is turning, I'm anxious, scared....there is literally NOTHING I can do ... absolutely nothing. So I pray....Funny isn't it, it's not that it's a last resort, it's not that I haven't been praying and it's not that praying doesn't help....and it's not that prayer isn't comforting....but just that getting to the end of anything you can physically do is a weird place. At some point God causes a stillness, a halting of activity and says, "Come to me." He's not mad. It's not a correction. It's just time.
I don't know if my mom will make it and if she does what her quality of life will be. Though lots of conversations have happened, I am still uncertain if she knows where she's going. If she doesn't I am at peace that I answered every call and was obedient to speak truth. She told me she just wanted to die. She said she has no propose and is of no use to anyone. Then I listen to my daughter cry as she says, "What if I never get to see her again?" And my beautiful granddaughter at 14, cry as if her tender heart will break. And my kids, sad for me as they put themselves in the place of losing a mother after having already lost their dad. How is it she doesn't see her worth?
I contemplate what life without a mother will look like. I will be an orphan and a widow.......Of course one can't imagine the permanancy of death before it happens and it's not to be compared to the deaths of my beloved, my dad or my friends. She's my mother. She gave me life. She nurtured me, grew me up and she loved me at the deepest level like no other.
So I opened my Bible and this verse was circled. No surprise that a verse about being afraid is circled. And no surprise that it was exactly what God wanted me to see.....in the waiting. And further down is verse 11 which is also circled AND highlighted in bright yellow:
"....in God I trust and I will not afraid. What can man do to me?"Psalms 56:11
I don't know what today holds but I know who holds it. Waiting is really hard. Uncertainty is really hard. What I do know is the enemy is ready to take me to a place I do not want to go. He's crouching by the door just waiting for a small crack in my armor so he can slither in and cause chaos.
Please pray first and foremost that God's will would prevail. Pray for my mom that she would finally experience the Peace she's never known before and pray for me that I would continually turn my eyes toward the One who holds me and provides ALL of my needs.
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