Happiness

Happiness - a state of well-being and contentment

Saturday, July 2, 2016
7:41 AM

I could add my own definition for happiness….it would go something like this:

Happiness - grasping at absolutely ANYTHING that will give one a SENSE of momentary cessation of deep, deep sadness.

I have spent 417 days trying to grasp on to anything that will give me even 5 minutes of a spark that remotely feels like happy! I think that is the grievers reality….I'm finding, more and more, that I fit into the perfect mold of a grieving soul. That is no consolation really……although to be validated when I can't remember things or I thought I knew something or when something totally knocks me off balance when it's something I would have previously slid right through, at least makes me feel like I'm not going crazy…..no, there is no consolation knowing that there are others suffering just like I am….that I'm not alone in my sadness…that other women are joining this group, this club called "widowhood". Even in the early days when I couldn't see a way out….a way of survival…..reading a book about someone that was one year out, or going to a support group where people were laughing….What??? How could that EVER be possible? If I had a choice, it would be my prayer that the widow's club be closed and the doors shuttered FOREVER. I would not ever desire that another woman would have to take this journey.

So, I've spent the last year indulging myself with momentary happiness. I book my schedule so tightly sometimes that I don't sit down until it's time for bed. I have turned my house upside down and inside out trying to replace EVERY little thing so that I don't have to question "was this before or after". 

I have spent money like it's water on the most insignificant things…you name it, I've bought it. Just recently I bought a bag full of art supplies, came home sat the bag on the table and the next day realized I had never even opened it up….actually forgetting about it…..ME forgetting art supplies? That's when it hit me….art supplies, any kind of paper, stationary etc. doesn't give me momentary happiness anymore…..I have cycled through a LOT of other situations just like this only different "things". 

A couple of days ago I went to the store……chips made their way into my shopping cart…so did Cheetos….so did trail mix…..these items only graced the shopping cart with their presence when HE did the shopping for him and the daycare….for me to have them in MY cart was ludicrous!! I had adopted THE healthiest lifestyle in the 18 months prior to "that" day….what was I doing. I got up the next morning, saw all of that sitting on the counter and thought "Who am I? Why did I buy that stuff?" I realized that, at that moment, even food (and I love to eat) doesn't do "it" for me anymore.

Even time, the elusive time, that always seemed so precious to me…..that I have ALL that I can possibly need…..means something totally different. I would crave the times when he would say "I'm going to head to the lake so you can have some time alone"…oh I'd grab my Bible, my journals, my pens, a hot cup of tea, comfy clothes and head to my favorite spot (my beautiful screened porch) and I would breath in God's Word and allow it to penetrate and renew me……today, I've been awake for three hours already….I have had two cups of tea, an English Muffin, washed two loads of clothes, fed the dogs…..have sat in my chair, Facebooked ad nauseam (referring to something that has been done or repeated so often that it has become annoying or tiresome) and I have not opened God's Word, not once……while that grieves me because I KNOW that happiness is temporary and that God's Word brings true, everlasting JOY….I just can't "get there".

I am distracted by small things…but small things are VERY big in the daily moving of someone who has experienced horrific tragedy. For example, I've been invited to four graduation parties and two weddings within a six week period of time this summer. Invitations addressed to just me…..Honestly, though I love, love, love those who are graduating and those who are getting married…I have to go alone….so the invitations sit as I ponder whether I can handle going and seeing those I may not have seen since the funeral…….there will be no dancing with my man…what if the DJ plays "Lady in Red"? Whose ear will I sing in to? Whose cheek will I brush with mine? Whose face will I smile at? Whose eyes will look back at me in adoration? But then I realize that any "firsts" and probably the 31sts are going to be hard. So whether it's the first time or the 20th, at some point, I need to get over the hump! So just this morning I responded yes to the two weddings and today I'm going to my second graduation party. Life can either move on around me or I can move with it. I NEED to move!! I have SO much to live for….I just wanted to do it WITH him…not without him.

As I sit here and tears roll down my cheeks I still can't believe I'm surviving…..God HAS sustained me. He has provided for ALL of my needs from financial to physical touch….EVERYTHING! It is the only way I am still standing. I am thankful. Were I not called to another purpose, I would not still be here. God isn't going to leave me alone and without purpose. Until he shows me what that purpose is, he is providing me a way through the everyday….the moment by moment. And when reality grips me like a vice and the tears flow….well, I let them. Then I pick myself up by the bootstraps and move forward…..

Jesus, life can be so hard and so cruel…..perspective, my perspective, is often skewed and unrealistic. Help me to want what YOU want for me NOT what I want. Give me the strength, courage and power to move forward without him. Help me to realize and see YOUR purpose for my life here on earth and help me to be obedient to your call. Amen.

Dreams

Dream - a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep.

I had a dream last night.....dreams aren't always good....they aren't always bad...some you remember vividly and others bits and pieces.....this dream was about as real as you could get...except it wasn't real...we were at our beach vacation, sitting at the table in the kitchen of our beautiful condo. I look up and there he was, sitting at the table across from me....He asked me "how much did this place cost?" I told him....truthfully....because money was always a worry to him but I had made a promise not to "cut any corners" or "try to sugar coat the situation" something I had struggled with for a very long time.....then he replied...not with words but his signature facial expression of surprise and like always, I explained that that is how much condo rental is and could we please just enjoy our family for a week and not worry about money......

and then....

because our discussions about finances always put me in a place I didn't want to be (because of bad choices I had made in the past) I looked up, looked at him and I'm crying, not because of the money issue....because reality hit me like a brick....

I said "Oh my God.. you are here?!?! HOW ARE YOU HERE?"

See, even in my dreams, I now know that he is gone.....but it felt so real...the conversation was so real...one we'd had SOOO many times....and even though money was a bone of contention for us I would welcome those conversations again...all of them....

*the MOSTLY good 

*the infrequent bad  

*the nearly non-existent ugly 

I've said it so many times to so many people, "we were in such a good place"....a beautiful place. A place you get from 41 years of knowing each other, working together, raising children together, sharing grandchildren, talking about retirement...what our golden years might look like....goals...LOTS of goals....and a sweet thought I had the other day while making the bed....

I am SO grateful he was here to raise our children. 

He could see them grow into the wonderful adults they are today. That he got to meet four of our five grandchildren and maybe just leave a little bit of him on their hearts. I'm grateful that my good thoughts and memories far out weight the heaviness of sadness these days. That, for me, is movement....it's progress! Thanks be to God!

Sweet Jesus, I believe you send him to me in my dreams for comfort. Comfort that I still know his every move, his every facial expression, his every response....I remember. I am so thankful for those moments though still very, very painful. I miss him Lord, but you already know that too. Help me Lord to keep looking to you when sadness threatens to overtake me. Give me the strength to be an overcomer. Amen

Turnover

Turnover - movement (as of goods or people) into and out of a place

My home has been much neglected in the last few years……not the regular “stuff” like vacuuming, dusting, bathroom cleaning, kitchen…. taking care of the mundane…. but the deeper “stuff” like closet cleaning, behind furniture cleaning, kitchen cupboard cleaning and rearranging…..the linen closet, what a disaster…..I had other things to do that were MUCH more important.

I am thankful that I took the time away from the cleaning and spent it with my family. 

The closets will be here, people, I’ve learned, can be plucked without a second’s preparation. 

Today’s job….cleaning and rearranging the kitchen and if I should find myself especially ambitious, tackling the linen closet. I’m trying really hard to make my way…but the reminders of him make it difficult to move forward. 

He is IN everything. 

I can’t look in a single direction that I do not see him or hear his voice. Don’t get me wrong those are good things….my memories are bittersweet…moving me to tears and sobs one moment and laughter the next. I’ve made progress…….in small ways and ways larger than I ever imagined I could step. I’ve pulled out pictures I simply could not bear to look at…now I gaze at them, sometimes in disbelief….still…..sometimes tears…..and sometimes with a fond longing for THAT day again…..

I’m beginning to see turnover……the last of HIS coffee……the last of HIS cereals and oatmeal……the last of HIS coffee creamer……the last of HIS grocery shopping trips……already gone HIS laundry……the last of HIS everything……furniture in different configurations because the old are just hard……

You can’t begin to imagine how hard it is to turn 41 years into mine, not ours. No, I don’t have to….I could leave it all the same, bury myself and little by little lose myself in it all completely….but I sense God calling me into a new life…..Ever so slowly he is whispering “Dianna, trust me….even when you don’t know what I’m doing.” 

I have two choices, trust God or trust myself. I’ve learned, through this experience, that I cannot trust myself for anything. So I will trust God with all my heart…my broken heart, my bleeding heart that just doesn’t understand.

No one can take the memories from me. I’m so very thankful for that…..and as I slowly “thaw”, I begin to move towards healing…….it’s going to be a long haul but in God’s mercy I feel more able today than yesterday.

Medication

Medication - A drug or other substance used to treat illness or injury.

Day 39 of this new life I've been asked to live. Day 11 of a drug that has lifted the fog and allowed me to at least think. I've begun to take some steps…..steps that last week were simply impossible. Steps that, to the ordinary person, would seem so simplistic. Like doing laundry, changing sheets, sweeping the floors, loading the dishwasher, doing a little shopping......at WALMART......EATING!! Yes, EATING!! I could barely get any food past my lips for the first four weeks. Me, a reformed gluttonist (I know, I think I made that up), not able to eat…….this journey is not one I asked for, one I'm still a tad angry about, but one I can already see God working through. 

The anger comes in God using my horrific circumstances for good. 

I'm convinced that good could have come without the love of my life having to be ripped from my existence.

 But, God in His infinite mercy, has begun to work amidst the circumstance and has surrounded me with such a great cloud of witnesses……well, I …

I just can't believe it. 

I will miss my beloved until the day I join him in God's glory but I'm going to allow myself to live in the moment, breakdown when that wave of grief hits and then live again for as long as I need to. 

My heart will never be the same, broken and mended by my maker but scarred forever. 

Thank you God for your grace and your power. 

Without it…..I can't imagine.

Laundry

Laundry: Clothes or linens that need to be washed.

Who would ever think that laundry could be painful. I mean, well, it CAN be when you have piles and piles to do, the sorting, the washing, the drying, the folding, the putting away…….can be a pain…..a pain in the butt that is!! I never really minded doing laundry….putting it away was frustrating….you know……that awful problem of having too many clothes for the drawer and closet space?

Oh God, how I wish I had THAT kind of "pain" again. 

I'd trade my pain in a heartbeat! 

Today was the day to tackle the laundry. MY laundry…..there is no "other"……..Now laundry has become part of my pain…..the pain of my heart……how I longed for a dirty pair of work jeans…….one of those 87 t-shirts…..worn bare socks with holes……how unimaginable to see only MY clothes…….

I miss him in EVERYTHING, yes, even in the dirty clothes.

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm doing the laundry at all! I'm not out of clothes yet! But I have to do something…….getting out of my head is a HUGE problem. Normal, I suspect….but a REALLY hard place to be. Since I yearn for "normal", though, I know, nothing will ever be normal again…..doing laundry seemed like a good idea. The clothes, MY clothes, are washed and folded….yet to be shoved into drawers and hung on hangers……one day, not one I can begin to imagine just yet, I will no longer have to shove clean clothes into overflowing drawers and push hangers into overstuffed closets…….I will have more than enough room……

but I'm not ready for that just yet…….

Until then, I'll just…….I'll just…….keep doing laundry.

GRIEF

Pain - an unpleasant sensation that can range from mild to localized discomfort or agony.

I keep waking up! 

For most, I'm guessing, it's a blessing.......for me it is agony at the thought of another day without him.......the mornings bring shakes and jitters with waves and waves of tears that I'm beginning to think will never end. 

When you build a life with someone for 41 years the small reminders are ENDLESS. Can you imagine trying to watch some absolutely mindless TV like the game show network and seeing a Royal Caribbean Cruise Line commercial reminding you of your most beautiful LAST vacation....or how about the razor commercial showing a man shaving? I can see him, standing in the bathroom and I know EXACTLY what it looks like to watch him shave. 

How about sitting outside and glancing at some unsightly weeds under the pool deck? He would never allow that! So I go over and pull them, all the while thinking if he was watching he would know that I was getting dirt under my fingernails, something a girly, girl like me never had to do. How about just normal conversation where someone mentions the Ohio State Fair and I remember going there with him before we were even married.......there is almost NOTHING that the two of us did not intricately entwine TOGETHER. 

My heart aches knowing that none of the big "stuff" has even come yet. This life that's been thrust upon me is so very painful. I don't know what God has planned for me......I just want the pain to go away....that's being as honest as I know how to be. 

I can only do one moment at a time and I'm so thankful that no one has suggested I do it any differently. I have the most AMAZING children and the most LOVING friends I could ever ask for or need.....God, in his goodness, has surrounded me with an army of supporters.

Desperation

Desperation - A state of despair typically one that results in rash or extreme behavior.

Trying to distract or take one's mind off of the utter hell they are living would be quite comical if it wasn't so incredibly sad. 

Typically I would be enjoying this spectacularly beautiful day opening the pool, laying mulch, perhaps planting flowers, definitely having a family dinner to celebrate Kylie's 2nd birthday. 

Instead I tried to spend some time outside, away from home but being gone from home for long sends me right into panic mode....I must return to my comfy chair with my comfy blanket and find some way to distract myself ......today it was a little bit of the food network and some precious sleep that takes me completely out of thought mode, glorious distraction at it's finest. 

Nothing is right. This is ALL wrong. 

This valley is so deep I am slowly suffocating. 

There is no air down here......I can't see God down here, I can't feel his presence.....I long to.....I want to be rescued.......I'm told I'm doing exactly what I need to do but it's sooooooo painful......I want out......but there's no way out. I must go THROUGH the fire. Please friends, continue to lift me and my children up in prayer. We need healing in the most desperate of ways.