Pain - an unpleasant sensation that can range from mild to localized discomfort or agony.
I keep waking up!
For most, I'm guessing, it's a blessing.......for me it is agony at the thought of another day without him.......the mornings bring shakes and jitters with waves and waves of tears that I'm beginning to think will never end.
When you build a life with someone for 41 years the small reminders are ENDLESS. Can you imagine trying to watch some absolutely mindless TV like the game show network and seeing a Royal Caribbean Cruise Line commercial reminding you of your most beautiful LAST vacation....or how about the razor commercial showing a man shaving? I can see him, standing in the bathroom and I know EXACTLY what it looks like to watch him shave.
How about sitting outside and glancing at some unsightly weeds under the pool deck? He would never allow that! So I go over and pull them, all the while thinking if he was watching he would know that I was getting dirt under my fingernails, something a girly, girl like me never had to do. How about just normal conversation where someone mentions the Ohio State Fair and I remember going there with him before we were even married.......there is almost NOTHING that the two of us did not intricately entwine TOGETHER.
My heart aches knowing that none of the big "stuff" has even come yet. This life that's been thrust upon me is so very painful. I don't know what God has planned for me......I just want the pain to go away....that's being as honest as I know how to be.
I can only do one moment at a time and I'm so thankful that no one has suggested I do it any differently. I have the most AMAZING children and the most LOVING friends I could ever ask for or need.....God, in his goodness, has surrounded me with an army of supporters.
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