Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Turnover



Turnover - movement (as of goods or people) into and out of a place

My home has been much neglected in the last few years……not the regular “stuff” like vacuuming, dusting, bathroom cleaning, kitchen…. taking care of the mundane…. but the deeper “stuff” like closet cleaning, behind furniture cleaning, kitchen cupboard cleaning and rearranging…..the linen closet, what a disaster…..I had other things to do that were MUCH more important.

I am thankful that I took the time away from the cleaning and spent it with my family. 

The closets will be here, people, I’ve learned, can be plucked without a second’s preparation. 

Today’s job….cleaning and rearranging the kitchen and if I should find myself especially ambitious, tackling the linen closet. I’m trying really hard to make my way…but the reminders of him make it difficult to move forward. 

He is IN everything. 

I can’t look in a single direction that I do not see him or hear his voice. Don’t get me wrong those are good things….my memories are bittersweet…moving me to tears and sobs one moment and laughter the next. I’ve made progress…….in small ways and ways larger than I ever imagined I could step. I’ve pulled out pictures I simply could not bear to look at…now I gaze at them, sometimes in disbelief….still…..sometimes tears…..and sometimes with a fond longing for THAT day again…..

I’m beginning to see turnover……the last of HIS coffee……the last of HIS cereals and oatmeal……the last of HIS coffee creamer……the last of HIS grocery shopping trips……already gone HIS laundry……the last of HIS everything……furniture in different configurations because the old are just hard……

You can’t begin to imagine how hard it is to turn 41 years into mine, not ours. No, I don’t have to….I could leave it all the same, bury myself and little by little lose myself in it all completely….but I sense God calling me into a new life…..Ever so slowly he is whispering “Dianna, trust me….even when you don’t know what I’m doing.” 

I have two choices, trust God or trust myself. I’ve learned, through this experience, that I cannot trust myself for anything. So I will trust God with all my heart…my broken heart, my bleeding heart that just doesn’t understand.

No one can take the memories from me. I’m so very thankful for that…..and as I slowly “thaw”, I begin to move towards healing…….it’s going to be a long haul but in God’s mercy I feel more able today than yesterday.

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Rest in his arms....

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