Stand firm...

"God does not always carry out His will alone he waits for us to cooperate with him by prayer. It is a mistake to think that man initiates anything by prayer."
Watchman Nee

Initiate - cause (a process or action) to begin.

To begin....

As I was driving home from the hospital, completely overwhelmed by all the decision making, I wondered how in the world God thinks I'm strong enough for this trial. Then again, I have already survived a horrific trial. Funny isn't it? There is no comparing trials. I can't say, "I survived the death of my beloved husband surely I can survive this trial!"

Each trial in life, I'm learning, is different. Certainly this trial with my mom is ongoing with an outcome, though not uncertain, is without knowledge of timing..... not ending with a phone call on a beautiful May day. Not a spouse but a parent. It's different.

I wake up each morning feeling a sense of dread and great sadness. Each day wishing for a miracle. Alas, the miracle does not come so I sit at the feet of Jesus and when he has given me the strength to persevere I put on my big girl pants and head to the hospital. I listen and ask questions until I can't and when I come home I'm exhausted. I'm depleted of strength, courage and wisdom.

I cry out.....

"Answer me quickly, Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit."
Psalms 143:7

Again and again....

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground."
Psalms 143:10

And as I sit here in the beautiful, sunny, crisp morning......birds chirping and the neighbors chickens clucking..... praying and refueling I have all that I need to begin again.

As Watchman Nee so beautifully says.... God sometimes waits for me to cooperate with Him in prayer. I cannot do this on my own. I cannot initiate anything on my own. I cannot be sustained in my own strength. That I know for sure.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalms 73:26

Thanks be to a God who loves me SO much I can face TODAY.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:34

So today it is. Another day to be his hands and feet. Another day given to love the woman I call mom. Another day to shine Christ in really hard circumstances. Another day to do HIS will....not my own. Another day not to wish it all away but to stand firm in the trial with God's strength, courage and wisdom.