I feel myself, like slow motion, falling into caregiver mode, of which I resist with my whole being. Do I sound like a rotten daughter? Do I appear selfish and unloving? I don't think so. I "think" I know full well my capacity to be a caregiver. Am I questioning God's Sovereignty? I don't think so. I just don't see what God sees and he knows far more about my calling and capabilities than I do. Am I asking him why circumstances are as they are? You betcha! And once again I think about my friend Job.....he just may be becoming my best friend.
I will say to God, "Do not condemn me; let me know why you contend against me. Does it seem good to you to oppress, to despise the work of your hands and favor the designs of the wicked?"
Job 10:2-3
Spurgeon states these reasons as to why God might contend against Job (and me):
•It may be that God is contending with you to show you His power to uphold you.
•It may be that God is contending with you to develop your graces.
•It may be that God is contending with you because you have some secret sin that is doing you great damage.
•It may be that God is contending with you because He wants you to enter the fellowship of His sufferings.
•It may be that God is contending with you to humble you.
Can I stand firm with a watchful eye and open heart to see what God desires to work in or out of me? I want to but right now I don't know if I can. 😔
What I know to be true this morning as the sun is rising is that my circumstances are far easier to manage in the light than in the dark of night. Sleep escaped me as I thought of every worst case scenario. Satan was in bed with me whispering and I was silently yelling, "No!! He who began a good work...No! He works all things for good....." Yet, the night was long....sleep was intermittent at best.....
But God....
The dawn of a new day, new hope, new strength, new courage. I'm reminded of when God sent manna in the desert. Strict instructions were given to gather enough just for that day. Over and over I've tried to plan ahead, set things in order and everyday I am clearly shown that I can only look at today. Do what needs or can be done today. If I try my own way I am overwhelmed and very confused. If I go God's way his grace is sufficient, period.
The sovereign God of the universe called me. Though the walk is often difficult it is NEVER without purpose. He works for the good of those who love him and have been called...but here's the stickler... according to HIS purpose and HIS will....not what I think I can do or what I think I need......or what I want.
Please continue to pray for my mom's salvation. Pray she has eyes to see and ears to hear. Pray for me that I would walk moment by moment in his will. Not looking ahead...and not looking back.
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