Bold prayer - Bold faith.....

"Blessed are those you choose and bring near to live in your courts! We are filled with the good things of your house, of your holy temple."

Psalms 65:4

I talked a lot about my husband yesterday. This happens when I meet with someone who doesn't know the circumstances behind his death. The question I'm asked most often.....Was he sick?......No.....😭. It's not that I don't talk about him often but certain conversations bring back "stuff"...... hard thoughts and feelings....... really hard , though some, long ago reconciled, still give me pause..... specifically, I'm reminded of how, in the years leading up to his death, I faithfully prayed for God to draw me closer to Him. "After" I was sure that God chose to take my husband as a means to do just that. I dealt with heavy guilt.....Was it my fault? Didn't I pray enough or "right". Didn't I study enough....wasn't I faithful enough? Did God need to get my attention! WAKE UP DIANNA! Is this how he was going to draw me closer to him?

I came home from my meet up and again pondered...I no longer ask God why he chose this for me. I realize there is no answer....none that would satisfy my craving for relief from grief.....I've already bartered and begged enough for a lifetime....I wouldn't say I've resigned myself to this life of widowhood...nor would I say I've experienced great joy in this earthly life since his death...but I'm no longer wrestling with God about the "why".

In my email yesterday I received an article that said this:

"God gives us what we pray for but often it isn't in the package we expect."

Why I'm always amazed at God's timing I do not know. What are the odds I would be dredging up old pain and an email with great insight would be waiting to be read. More profound is that I actually saw it AND opened it.

So what about bold prayers? I'll confess right here, right now I rarely, if ever, pray boldly. I want to... I love the Lord.....I desire to serve him, honor him, submit to him....but there is a part of my heart that tucks away that which is most precious to me. And all of the verses that show me clearly that he wants my whole heart coming flooding in.....

I realize now my prayer was a bold prayer...I didn't think about it being bold then...I just innocently loved God so much....

"Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”
Mark 10:15

Makes me think about raising my children. I watched with a heavy heart as little by little their innocence and trust was chipped away. When I had to explain that things weren't always fair. When they wouldn't always feel loved and accepted by their peers. When they learned that not everyone has their best interest at heart. When the world can be very cruel.

As I get older I find myself mourning the lost innocence I had.....even knowing that I had lived in a broken world for a very long time.....I still didn't think "it" would happen to me.

Bold prayers are abundant in God's Word. Prayers prayed with boldness and faith.....and the "packages" the answers were delivered in? Well ..... often times not with a pretty little bow. I think of Hannah. She prayed boldly for a son.

"In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
1 Samuel 1:10‭-‬11

And the promise she made....she honored:

She said to her husband, “After the boy is weaned, I will take him and present him before the Lord, and he will live there always.”
1 Samuel 1:22

"As surely as you live, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the Lord. I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” And he worshiped the Lord there.
1 Samuel 1:26‭-‬28

God answered her prayer for a son..which she surrendered to him at a very young age.....

When Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego proclaimed they would not bow down to idols, surely they knew they were on their way to certain death in the firey furnace but they boldly said,

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But EVEN IF he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”
Daniel 3:17‭-‬18

BOLD prayer.... BOLD faith.....

The article is so good I'll post the link below but here's one more portion for the sake of wrapping up here:

Expect the Unexpected

When God begins to answer our prayers, we often find his answers disorienting. Circumstances might take unexpected courses, health might deteriorate, painful relational dynamics might develop, financial difficulties might occur, and spiritual and emotional struggles might emerge that seem unconnected. We can feel like we’re going backward because we are not clearly moving forward. We cry out in painful confusion and exasperation (Psalm 13:1; Job 30:20) when what’s really happening is that God is answering our prayers. We just expected the answer to look and feel different.

This being true, we might be tempted to not even ask God for such things. I mean, who wants unpleasant answers to prayers for joy?

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-unexpected-answers-of-god

And that last part is the journey I'm on....casting out the fear of praying with boldness and faith. Scripture tells me that God knows my heart, he knows what I'm holding back, he knows the fears my lips refuse to speak....he already knows....nothing is hidden from him...however, in the heart of the believer, one who loves the Lord, there is a desire to pray with boldness. I want to! Knowing full well that the package most likely won't look how I want it to. Such an odd juxtaposition isn't it?

I have a friend that prays for transformation "whatever it takes" and I tell her with great certainty, "I will NOT be praying THAT!" Doesn't mean my heart doesn't desire that boldness, that confidence, that "all in" attitude. I'm just not there yet.