Dreams

Dream - a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep.

I had a dream last night.....dreams aren't always good....they aren't always bad...some you remember vividly and others bits and pieces.....this dream was about as real as you could get...except it wasn't real...we were at our beach vacation, sitting at the table in the kitchen of our beautiful condo. I look up and there he was, sitting at the table across from me....He asked me "how much did this place cost?" I told him....truthfully....because money was always a worry to him but I had made a promise not to "cut any corners" or "try to sugar coat the situation" something I had struggled with for a very long time.....then he replied...not with words but his signature facial expression of surprise and like always, I explained that that is how much condo rental is and could we please just enjoy our family for a week and not worry about money......

and then....

because our discussions about finances always put me in a place I didn't want to be (because of bad choices I had made in the past) I looked up, looked at him and I'm crying, not because of the money issue....because reality hit me like a brick....

I said "Oh my God.. you are here?!?! HOW ARE YOU HERE?"

See, even in my dreams, I now know that he is gone.....but it felt so real...the conversation was so real...one we'd had SOOO many times....and even though money was a bone of contention for us I would welcome those conversations again...all of them....

*the MOSTLY good 

*the infrequent bad  

*the nearly non-existent ugly 

I've said it so many times to so many people, "we were in such a good place"....a beautiful place. A place you get from 41 years of knowing each other, working together, raising children together, sharing grandchildren, talking about retirement...what our golden years might look like....goals...LOTS of goals....and a sweet thought I had the other day while making the bed....

I am SO grateful he was here to raise our children. 

He could see them grow into the wonderful adults they are today. That he got to meet four of our five grandchildren and maybe just leave a little bit of him on their hearts. I'm grateful that my good thoughts and memories far out weight the heaviness of sadness these days. That, for me, is movement....it's progress! Thanks be to God!

Sweet Jesus, I believe you send him to me in my dreams for comfort. Comfort that I still know his every move, his every facial expression, his every response....I remember. I am so thankful for those moments though still very, very painful. I miss him Lord, but you already know that too. Help me Lord to keep looking to you when sadness threatens to overtake me. Give me the strength to be an overcomer. Amen

Turnover

Turnover - movement (as of goods or people) into and out of a place

My home has been much neglected in the last few years……not the regular “stuff” like vacuuming, dusting, bathroom cleaning, kitchen…. taking care of the mundane…. but the deeper “stuff” like closet cleaning, behind furniture cleaning, kitchen cupboard cleaning and rearranging…..the linen closet, what a disaster…..I had other things to do that were MUCH more important.

I am thankful that I took the time away from the cleaning and spent it with my family. 

The closets will be here, people, I’ve learned, can be plucked without a second’s preparation. 

Today’s job….cleaning and rearranging the kitchen and if I should find myself especially ambitious, tackling the linen closet. I’m trying really hard to make my way…but the reminders of him make it difficult to move forward. 

He is IN everything. 

I can’t look in a single direction that I do not see him or hear his voice. Don’t get me wrong those are good things….my memories are bittersweet…moving me to tears and sobs one moment and laughter the next. I’ve made progress…….in small ways and ways larger than I ever imagined I could step. I’ve pulled out pictures I simply could not bear to look at…now I gaze at them, sometimes in disbelief….still…..sometimes tears…..and sometimes with a fond longing for THAT day again…..

I’m beginning to see turnover……the last of HIS coffee……the last of HIS cereals and oatmeal……the last of HIS coffee creamer……the last of HIS grocery shopping trips……already gone HIS laundry……the last of HIS everything……furniture in different configurations because the old are just hard……

You can’t begin to imagine how hard it is to turn 41 years into mine, not ours. No, I don’t have to….I could leave it all the same, bury myself and little by little lose myself in it all completely….but I sense God calling me into a new life…..Ever so slowly he is whispering “Dianna, trust me….even when you don’t know what I’m doing.” 

I have two choices, trust God or trust myself. I’ve learned, through this experience, that I cannot trust myself for anything. So I will trust God with all my heart…my broken heart, my bleeding heart that just doesn’t understand.

No one can take the memories from me. I’m so very thankful for that…..and as I slowly “thaw”, I begin to move towards healing…….it’s going to be a long haul but in God’s mercy I feel more able today than yesterday.

Medication

Medication - A drug or other substance used to treat illness or injury.

Day 39 of this new life I've been asked to live. Day 11 of a drug that has lifted the fog and allowed me to at least think. I've begun to take some steps…..steps that last week were simply impossible. Steps that, to the ordinary person, would seem so simplistic. Like doing laundry, changing sheets, sweeping the floors, loading the dishwasher, doing a little shopping......at WALMART......EATING!! Yes, EATING!! I could barely get any food past my lips for the first four weeks. Me, a reformed gluttonist (I know, I think I made that up), not able to eat…….this journey is not one I asked for, one I'm still a tad angry about, but one I can already see God working through. 

The anger comes in God using my horrific circumstances for good. 

I'm convinced that good could have come without the love of my life having to be ripped from my existence.

 But, God in His infinite mercy, has begun to work amidst the circumstance and has surrounded me with such a great cloud of witnesses……well, I …

I just can't believe it. 

I will miss my beloved until the day I join him in God's glory but I'm going to allow myself to live in the moment, breakdown when that wave of grief hits and then live again for as long as I need to. 

My heart will never be the same, broken and mended by my maker but scarred forever. 

Thank you God for your grace and your power. 

Without it…..I can't imagine.

Laundry

Laundry: Clothes or linens that need to be washed.

Who would ever think that laundry could be painful. I mean, well, it CAN be when you have piles and piles to do, the sorting, the washing, the drying, the folding, the putting away…….can be a pain…..a pain in the butt that is!! I never really minded doing laundry….putting it away was frustrating….you know……that awful problem of having too many clothes for the drawer and closet space?

Oh God, how I wish I had THAT kind of "pain" again. 

I'd trade my pain in a heartbeat! 

Today was the day to tackle the laundry. MY laundry…..there is no "other"……..Now laundry has become part of my pain…..the pain of my heart……how I longed for a dirty pair of work jeans…….one of those 87 t-shirts…..worn bare socks with holes……how unimaginable to see only MY clothes…….

I miss him in EVERYTHING, yes, even in the dirty clothes.

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm doing the laundry at all! I'm not out of clothes yet! But I have to do something…….getting out of my head is a HUGE problem. Normal, I suspect….but a REALLY hard place to be. Since I yearn for "normal", though, I know, nothing will ever be normal again…..doing laundry seemed like a good idea. The clothes, MY clothes, are washed and folded….yet to be shoved into drawers and hung on hangers……one day, not one I can begin to imagine just yet, I will no longer have to shove clean clothes into overflowing drawers and push hangers into overstuffed closets…….I will have more than enough room……

but I'm not ready for that just yet…….

Until then, I'll just…….I'll just…….keep doing laundry.

GRIEF

Pain - an unpleasant sensation that can range from mild to localized discomfort or agony.

I keep waking up! 

For most, I'm guessing, it's a blessing.......for me it is agony at the thought of another day without him.......the mornings bring shakes and jitters with waves and waves of tears that I'm beginning to think will never end. 

When you build a life with someone for 41 years the small reminders are ENDLESS. Can you imagine trying to watch some absolutely mindless TV like the game show network and seeing a Royal Caribbean Cruise Line commercial reminding you of your most beautiful LAST vacation....or how about the razor commercial showing a man shaving? I can see him, standing in the bathroom and I know EXACTLY what it looks like to watch him shave. 

How about sitting outside and glancing at some unsightly weeds under the pool deck? He would never allow that! So I go over and pull them, all the while thinking if he was watching he would know that I was getting dirt under my fingernails, something a girly, girl like me never had to do. How about just normal conversation where someone mentions the Ohio State Fair and I remember going there with him before we were even married.......there is almost NOTHING that the two of us did not intricately entwine TOGETHER. 

My heart aches knowing that none of the big "stuff" has even come yet. This life that's been thrust upon me is so very painful. I don't know what God has planned for me......I just want the pain to go away....that's being as honest as I know how to be. 

I can only do one moment at a time and I'm so thankful that no one has suggested I do it any differently. I have the most AMAZING children and the most LOVING friends I could ever ask for or need.....God, in his goodness, has surrounded me with an army of supporters.

Desperation

Desperation - A state of despair typically one that results in rash or extreme behavior.

Trying to distract or take one's mind off of the utter hell they are living would be quite comical if it wasn't so incredibly sad. 

Typically I would be enjoying this spectacularly beautiful day opening the pool, laying mulch, perhaps planting flowers, definitely having a family dinner to celebrate Kylie's 2nd birthday. 

Instead I tried to spend some time outside, away from home but being gone from home for long sends me right into panic mode....I must return to my comfy chair with my comfy blanket and find some way to distract myself ......today it was a little bit of the food network and some precious sleep that takes me completely out of thought mode, glorious distraction at it's finest. 

Nothing is right. This is ALL wrong. 

This valley is so deep I am slowly suffocating. 

There is no air down here......I can't see God down here, I can't feel his presence.....I long to.....I want to be rescued.......I'm told I'm doing exactly what I need to do but it's sooooooo painful......I want out......but there's no way out. I must go THROUGH the fire. Please friends, continue to lift me and my children up in prayer. We need healing in the most desperate of ways.

Hell

I'm almost certain I'm living in hell.....the crushing blow of the realization each morning that he's really gone and I'm faced with another WHOLE excruciating day to live without him. I miss him SO much that it's physically painful....my body physically aches. I am not alone. Im surrounded by those who love me and want so desperately to take the pain away. But they are as lost as I am as to how to move forward....slow motion has taken on a whole new meaning.....life goes on around you like nothing has changed.....I want to shout "LOOK AT ME! NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME! CAN YOU SEE ME? CAN YOU SEE I'M DYING? DOES ANYONE, ANYONE AT ALL, SEE ME?" I'm trying to establish some new "normals". I'm giving myself credit for at least KNOWING I NEED to. I want to but my heart aches for him, my soul bleeds for him. I long for his smile, his touch, his quirky jokes.....his presence. I'm hanging on.......barely.....Though I still don't feel the prayers, I've been assured zillions have prayed for me and over me. It is my prayer that those zillions of prayers will fall on me and provide the precious comfort I longingly seek.

A TRIP OF MY LIFETIME

Scripture tells us that God will meet us where we are. He doesn’t expect us all to be on the same page. This “thing” called a Spiritual Journey comes in all shapes, sizes, lengths and depths. It grows over time and sometimes it even shrinks. It’s affected by life’s challenges, our own willingness and many times impeded by our selfish desires. We often think we can control it and very often we try. But wherever we are and no matter how long it’s taken us….or how long we’ve turned away……God WILL meet us WHEREVER we are.

I've been in just about every scenario mentioned above but consider this…..God meets us where we are….LITERALLY!  I SAW HIM! I FELT Him! I could SMELL Him. There isn't a sense that God gave me that was not heightened by my experience. I saw Him in the sunshine.  I felt Him gently touch my skin with the warm breeze. I could smell Him in the salty sea air. He dazzled me with the waters of the Caribbean. He awed me with the magnificence of a huge ship, created by human hands that He blessed with a God-given talent to design and build.

God was present….oh so present….in the smile on my husband’s face when served beautiful meals, in pictures taken and when he held my hand. God was available to move his heart when he said “maybe we can do this again next year”.  God showed up big time in all the wonderful conversations we had with “strangers” that weren’t strangers at all the next time we saw them around the ship. God was so apparent in the smiles on everyone’s faces…..and their relaxed carefree attitudes. God stopped by in the giggles of the little children, their happy, content parents and their proud smiles when people commented on how cute they were or how well behaved they were. God definitely moved my heart when I saw tiny two year old twin girls, Makenzie and Paige. I HAD to have conversation with their parents and remark how very cute they were!  I have a wise friend that said “you know God is in every sunrise and every sunset?”. She was right on the money. We made it a point to see each one!  I watched the sunrise as I worked out in the Shipshape Center each morning and watched it set (with my main man) after beautifully prepared and amazingly delicious meals were lovingly served to us each evening.

 I saw God each time we returned to our room and saw the special things our cabin attendant did for us and in the wonderful way he took care of us.  We were pampered and loved the entire time, not just by people, but by actions, circumstances, surroundings. God, in his infinite wisdom, orchestrated this entire trip.  Being invited to dinner by friends, wonderful conversation and then……THE INVITE! “Go on a cruise with us”. REALLY???? ……and the husband that said yes…..and how all the plans fell perfectly into place with a few minor glitches that simply could not steal our joy……Yes, God will meet you where you are AND God will meet you WHERE you are!! So incredibly blessed to have had this experience. It was absolutely God ordained! Praising Him who carried us safely and then gently deposited us back into reality.  

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us. To Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever. Amen."

God REALLY does speak!

This morning as I sat down with a hot cup of tea, in the darkness, in the quiet, I felt ready to receive whatever message God was going to send my way. I am NEVER disappointed IF I can put aside all the thoughts in my mind to allow him access to me. Sometimes that is a hard feat as I often get in my own way as well! :-) I was reading in John 4 where Jesus talks to the Samaritan women at the well. She is amazed that he, a Jew, would even talk to her, a Samaritan......can you imagine being offered living water by Jesus himself?! 2000 years later he is still offering living water to all who believe that he is God's Son, the Messiah. Yep, it's that easy....

"He was chosen before the creation of the world, 
but was revealed in these last times for your sake. 
Through him you believe in God, who raised him from 
the dead and glorified him, and so your faith and 
hope are in God."

Anyways, it came to me, like a lightening strike......I am leaving my cocoon, out of the VERY familiar into the VERY unfamiliar! I am going to have an opportunity that I haven't had in a very long time.....an opportunity to bust out of my very comfortable bubble and maybe, just maybe, impact others for Christ! I don't know what those opportunities will look like at this point but I've prayed that God will open my eyes to the needs of others....who knows, perhaps an elderly person in the airport or a mom with an unhappy baby on the airplane...... whether it is a warm smile, a kind word or a helping hand....these are all ways in which we can allow Christ's light to shine through us.  I am a willing vessel and I am excited to see how he might use me during this MUCH needed, MUCH anticipated trip.

All the glory and honor is his as without him I would have nothing and I would be nothing! There I'll rest...in Him...the One.....

God Gained an Angel.......

“Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can anyone preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!” Romans 10:13-15

Our church family at Riverwood Community Chapel and God’s universal church, lost a wonderful, wonderful servant, our precious Shannon. I’ve been thinking about her, nearly constantly, for the last few months, since her diagnosis. When I’m running on the treadmill I have a lot of time to think, pray and reflect. This morning during my devotional I read the above scripture Romans 10:13-15 and I’m reminded that I am called to share the Good News of Jesus Christ, something Shannon did so well. What a beautiful example she was to me and the many who knew and loved her. I began to “size myself up” and God reminded me of so many of the things he tells me in his Word like, “you won’t know the hour or the day”, and, “I will come like a thief in the night”, and more, “diligently work out your salvation”….I have work to do! Shannon’s death brings to me an urgency like I’ve not felt before. She was diagnosed with cancer around the same time as I was diagnosed with my brain tumor. Our outcomes were very, very different. Today I am thankfully healthy and Shannon is now sitting at the feet of our Savior, praising him and giving him glory. While those of us who mourn her are deeply saddened by her absence, we KNOW where she is and that we’ll see her again someday. That is not only comfort for us but hope! Hope beyond this world! Praise God! However, my story didn’t end at healthy…instead where healthy left off I have an urgency and heart’s desire to spread the Good News and to love others as Christ loves me. I still believe in miracles….I prayed for a miracle for Shannon every single day. Even Jesus went off alone and asked God to “take the cup from him should it be his will” but he also said “your will not mine”……and he did that right up until “the” time. I believed, with all my whole heart, that God COULD have performed that miracle because, in my mind, Shannon had SO much more to give. But I also realize that I do not know God’s plan….God sees the end of the story…..I do not have that ability. I want to be like Shannon. I want to stand before God and hear “well done, good and faithful servant”, as I know Shannon heard. I want a hope that is MUCH MORE than this world could ever give. I want to LIVE FOREVER!! And with Christ I WILL!! If you don’t know Christ as your Savior and the hope and everlasting life that he freely gives….please, please, please pick up a Bible and read the book of Romans or seek out a church or Pastor or friend! I absolutely guarantee it will change your heart forever! In a few short months someone I admire and love is gone….and of course, I mourn…..for her family and friends, but for her I REJOICE! She is in no more pain, her body is healed for eternity! Praise God!