Speaking truth....

 

"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ."
Ephesians 4:15

When you're young you can't wait to get your driver's license.....you can't wait to graduate from high school. College? Is it over yet? I get to start my life as an adult! I'll make my own money, buy a house...get married, have 2.5 children...grow old with my beloved...die holding hands....what a life ! All planned. I had some of those plans...some came to fruition...some did not .....Can I be really bold? Being an adult really sucks sometimes. It's hard! Why do we wish away innocence? As you get older and the things you wished away have passed, you want them back. 😳 Honestly........nope, don't know how to finish that sentence. So here's a question that came to my mind this morning after a very difficult day yesterday....

Is it ever easy to speak truth in love?

My answer is unequivocally, "NO".

Though I never found it particularly hard with my children because I had that responsibility as a parent, it wasn't always easy but, it was, a very necessary part of parenting. "Train up a child in the way they should go", right?

I never thought I'd have to speak truth in love to an elderly parent... certainly not the incredibly hard truths that came out of my mouth yesterday. Necessary? Yes. Painful? Incredibly. Devastating? Absolutely. Doctors speak truth everyday. They can speak with a degree of compassion but sometimes even compassion and kindness cannot smooth the truth they are telling.

I think of Jesus....known as the Great Physician. He had to speak hard truths as well. His compassion did not alleviate the pain in the situation. Truth IS often painful. As my mom continues to shut down any comforting talk about Jesus I realize I am no comfort to her at all. If all I have to give her is the reality of her current situation....it's simply not enough. Not because I'm doing anything wrong but because there is only One who gives peace that passes all understanding, Jesus Christ, period. I am not a failure. I simply have health facts to present nothing else.

If my mom shuts Jesus out...she has two choices.... amputation or death by gangrene. There I stood by her bed listening to yet another doctor try to convince her to have the amputation. I'm guessing he may have seen the alternative play out.....sometimes choices in this life do not have a happy ending. It's not like choosing roses or daisies for your garden. It just might be life or death.... or death and eventual death. Right now my mom is also choosing spiritual death which could also be called final death.

As I remain obedient to the doors of witness God opens I find myself wanting so desperately to be the daughter of a mother who loves Jesus. To talk about his Word. To read scripture to her. To agree he is THE Way, THE Truth, THE Life. To agree that this life isn't all there is. That there IS life beyond this horrific circumstance. A bright, beautiful eternity with our Savior.

The conversation about the hard reality should never be a conversation between a child and their parent. EVER! It's heartbreaking and the exhausting.

I have read and looked at these verses in Romans each morning for a few months now. Every so often I pick a new card from the set. It is no coincidence that this verse is the one I need right now. It is no coincidence that I haven't changed that card out for months.

Suffering produces endurance. Endurance produces character. Character produces hope....

And back to the verse in Ephesians..."we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ."

I don't like how it feels to be mature, though I can't deny how he's growing me up.....I don't like it. Yep, even at 64....I'm still growing and changing and did I mention I don't like it? Can I just, voila, be mature? Actually no. Maturity is born out of suffering. It's no less painful just because I realize it.

Please continue to pray for my mom's salvation. This is the beginning of the end and it's not going to be good by any definition but so much worse if she never knows Christ. If she never knows comfort. If she never knows the peace that passes understanding. Breaks my heart as I watch her struggling with the question of, "Why is this happening to me."

My good friend Job....

 

"I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.”
Job 3:26

Ahhhh.....my good friend Job. In times of great stress, turmoil, sadness, sorrow I find myself thinking about him over and over again. I turn to the well worn pages in my Bible. The words are deeply familiar...I've spent a lot of time there.

If I were comparing our circumstances there would really be no comparison at all, right? Job lost everything but his wife. His children, all ten of them, all of his animals, his livelyhood and his great wealth. Horrific, yes? One might say that's bigger than what I'm experiencing. In fact, I might say it myself. And that's why we have to be very careful in comparing other's situations to our own. Each person's trials are personal......meant to teach them in their own circumstances. Not less or greater than mine...not to be compared to mine. If I look at Job's horrible circumstances and assess mine to be much less, than Job's life story holds no meaning for me at all. And God's word would be meaningless......and I would be super insensitive to other's situations. There is no grading.

There is so much to learn from Job. He shows me that I can cry out to God. I can battle with God and argue with him. Look what he boldly says:

“I loathe my very life; therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul. I say to God: Do not declare me guilty, but tell me what charges you have against me. Does it please you to oppress me, to spurn the work of your hands, while you smile on the plans of the wicked?"
Job 10:1‭-‬3

"Does it please you to oppress me...?" Wow! These are some great charges leveled against God! And God listened and listened and listened some more....all the while quiet.....while Job poured his heart and soul out in his extreme grief.

I read a great article this morning. Here is an excerpt:

"Reality is reality. It’s objective. It’s what’s actually happening. Felt reality is what’s happening from my vantage point. It’s reality framed by my own thoughts, assumptions, and emotions.

Reality and felt reality aren’t the same. Sometimes they align — what I think and feel fits with what is actually happening. Other times, my felt reality is out of accord with reality. In such cases, I might be believing lies, or framing reality wrongly, or overreacting. My perspective might be distorted by my emotions or my sinful desires or my own limitations."

Read full article here:
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/submit-your-felt-reality-to-god

I felt like Mr. Rigney was talking to me personally. 😳 And of course, God's timing is perfect. I am a "felt reality" person. I think, to a degree, we all are. As I talked to the vascular surgeon yesterday, if there was a hint of emotion or felt reality in him, I did not perceive it. He shot straight from the hip, did not mince words...simply put, he told my mom her decision would result in her passing away. He spoke truth but then.....he also spoke about my mom's fight and strength. He seemed to question why she would choose certain death over a chance to live longer. Was he being the surgeon and doctor he was trained to be? Did my felt reality perceive hope in his comment about her fight and strength or did he want to do what he was trained to do....save her life....without consideration of quality of life?

Job eventually "allowed" God to speak...or maybe better said, he chose to finally hear God. God didn't mention Job's reality at all. Felt or otherwise....He didn't "get in bed" with Job, justify his feelings or his right to them. He told Job who HE was.

And just like Job, in the midst of my circumstances I need to know who GOD is! That is the ultimate goal, if you will. Job's circumstances were not going to change. His great losses would remain. My circumstances will remain. Not one, more devastating than the other, but each, in our own lives, difficult at best....I don't look at Job's great loss and say, "Phew...I'm glad I'm not Job." I don't look at my mom's circumstances and say, "Glad it's not me." I wouldn't count someone's loss of a job minor, saying, "Well at least you have your health."

My mom asked me why she was born? Why her life has been so bad? What is her purpose? Why am I here?

And God opened another opportunity.....

I told her we were never promised a great, carefree life. Jesus said, "In this world you WILL have trouble. Take heart! I have overcome the world." And I told her that because of him I will see my husband again...and my mother in law...and my dad.....she immediately looked at her TV and made a comment about the story on the news. Not a hint of curiosity. Not a sliver of wanting to know if SHE would see those people again too and if not, why not or how can I be guaranteed of that? Nothing.

And when I got home I thought about Job and wondered how she might respond to his story....

See, she looks at me as having it all. I look at what I have as gifts from God. She sees God in nothing. I strive to see him in everything. Breaks my heart. But God is sovereign. Nothing is happening that he has not set in motion from the foundation of the world. I'm sad for her. That she thinks this world is all there is. Her life has been "crappy" in the earthly since. But without the hope of life beyond this life. I cannot wait until he wipes every tear from my eyes. When there is no more sorrow, no more pain and I am restored to fullness of life that so long ago was lost after that first bite.....

Stand firm...

"God does not always carry out His will alone he waits for us to cooperate with him by prayer. It is a mistake to think that man initiates anything by prayer."
Watchman Nee

Initiate - cause (a process or action) to begin.

To begin....

As I was driving home from the hospital, completely overwhelmed by all the decision making, I wondered how in the world God thinks I'm strong enough for this trial. Then again, I have already survived a horrific trial. Funny isn't it? There is no comparing trials. I can't say, "I survived the death of my beloved husband surely I can survive this trial!"

Each trial in life, I'm learning, is different. Certainly this trial with my mom is ongoing with an outcome, though not uncertain, is without knowledge of timing..... not ending with a phone call on a beautiful May day. Not a spouse but a parent. It's different.

I wake up each morning feeling a sense of dread and great sadness. Each day wishing for a miracle. Alas, the miracle does not come so I sit at the feet of Jesus and when he has given me the strength to persevere I put on my big girl pants and head to the hospital. I listen and ask questions until I can't and when I come home I'm exhausted. I'm depleted of strength, courage and wisdom.

I cry out.....

"Answer me quickly, Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit."
Psalms 143:7

Again and again....

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground."
Psalms 143:10

And as I sit here in the beautiful, sunny, crisp morning......birds chirping and the neighbors chickens clucking..... praying and refueling I have all that I need to begin again.

As Watchman Nee so beautifully says.... God sometimes waits for me to cooperate with Him in prayer. I cannot do this on my own. I cannot initiate anything on my own. I cannot be sustained in my own strength. That I know for sure.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalms 73:26

Thanks be to a God who loves me SO much I can face TODAY.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:34

So today it is. Another day to be his hands and feet. Another day given to love the woman I call mom. Another day to shine Christ in really hard circumstances. Another day to do HIS will....not my own. Another day not to wish it all away but to stand firm in the trial with God's strength, courage and wisdom.

When you lose someone....

 

Psalm 139

"Now there were some Greeks among those who went up to worship at the festival. They came to Philip, who was from Bethsaida in Galilee, with a request. “Sir,” they said, “we would like to see Jesus.”
John 12:20‭-‬21

There was a simple curiosity as to who this man Jesus was.

Curiosity is defined as a strong desire to know or learn something.

In the last four days I have said "I'm just curious" to multiple doctors and nurses as I've asked many, many questions about my mom's options......or lack thereof. I've realized, about myself, that I've always been a curious person. I've always had a strong desire to learn new things whether changing oil in my car or how to replace a dryer belt. Many personality tests I've taken have described me as a "learner".

I read a commentary this morning that describes the Greeks in this passage as curious when it came to figuring out who this man Jesus was.

Somehow, I'm not exactly sure how, but I felt a bit of relief in seeing my walk with the Lord, not being the obsessive need to constantly witness, but instead, just laying out a path of curiosity simply by being me! Does that make sense?

I can be so focused on my mom coming to the Lord that I forget to simply show her the peace that passes all understanding. The rest that tramples fear. The promise that we are never alone. The security that we are just passing through this life into the FOREVER.

I could frantically pound her with scripture with the reasoning that I don't want her to live eternity separated from me....I could even try to scare her...make her feel guilty... actually I could use the fact that my dad accepted Christ on his deathbed......but, if I believe God's Word I actually don't have to do any of this.

In my "normal" everyday conversation, effortlessly, I can create curiosity for her to WANT to explore. And this morning, as another day of uncertainty dawns, another day has also been given. Can I create a genuine curiosity about Jesus? Though it's just another way of seed planting somehow it seems more child like, more appealing, more like something a person might not realize is even happening.

My mom has elected not to have surgery. In her mind, things will get better. These decisions have to be hers and hers alone. She understands, at least for now, the ramifications of her decision. I support her choices fully understanding the heartache that eventually will come. But my eyes are focused on the Lord! There is nothing happening that he has not already set in motion.

I've read and reread Psalm 139. I didn't know why God put it on my heart to study it with my small group this summer but now I do.

•O Lord, you know me
•You perceive my thoughts
•You are familiar with all my ways
•You hem (protect) me in
•Where can I flee from your presence?
•For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
•Your eyes saw my unformed body...

ALL THE DAYS ORDAINED FOR ME WERE WRITTEN IN YOUR BOOK BEFORE ONE OF THEM CAME TO BE.

I will continue to pray for my mom's salvation and bravely take hold and respond to the opportunities he gives me to create that curiosity in her. All the while KNOWING that God already knows the result. For me, what a gift!! I'm not responsible for the outcome. That is a gracious and loving God!

This morning, I'm thankful. I have peace in the midst of really hard stuff because I am resting in my Sustainer....the lover of my soul.

Perspective

Perspective - a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.

God showed me something this morning that, going forward, I really need to KNOW and have the ability to SEE in the coming weeks and months. I'm so very grateful that he leads in his sovereignty and thankful beyond words that I actually heard him in the midst of a LOT of noise.

I was reading about Moses in the wilderness with 2.5 million people. They had long lost their gratefulness from being delivered from slavery. They were tired, hungry and thirsty. I can relate. When I'm uncomfortable, I complain. Even when, just like the Israelites, I've seen God do miraculous things. In studying Exodus this past year I've always marveled at Moses' patience. When the people complained Moses could have gotten right in with them. I'm sure, he too, was hungry and thirsty. Instead, time and time again he took their groaning to the Lord and God provided. There is so much to learn from Moses about what it looks like to be a leader in the kingdom. But even Moses, as we see in Numbers 20:10-11, cannot sustain perfection.

"So Moses took the staff from the Lord’s presence, just as he commanded him. He and Aaron gathered the assembly together in front of the rock and Moses said to them, “Listen, you rebels, must we bring you water out of this rock?” Then Moses raised his arm and struck the rock twice with his staff. Water gushed out, and the community and their livestock drank."

"Listen you rebels".....I could, in my humanness, defend Moses......the people were suffering.... Moses, I'm guessing, was pretty exhausted, tired and overwhelmed...it is the proverbial perfect storm. Can I remain faithful and obedient when under extreme pressure? Can I, when faced with gut-wrenching, life changing decisions, keep my emotions and feelings at bay? To this point Moses had maintained the proper perspective, the proper attitude. He did not allow the people to divert his attention from the true leader, his sovereign God. He didn't allow the people's skewed perspectives to shake his trust that God would provide.

And that brings me to my circumstances with my mom. From the age of about five to this day she's had a crappy life. So when she said, "I never thought my life would end like this" I thought, with great compassion, I get it. But I didn't say it! Thank you Jesus! I said, "But mom, your life is not over! Psalm 139 says all your days were written before one of them came to be. Your book has not been closed. You're still here. You still have purpose! God's not done!" She stared into space....so sad....I thanked God later for that opportunity. I thought then, I had nothing else to offer her and certainly nothing that could give her hope like Jesus.

If I get drawn into her perspective, her despair, her self-pity (please hear me, I understand why she feels as she does and I have great compassion) I will have taken my eyes off the very thing, the One, she needs to know. Her hope, her ever present help in trouble. I have to be very careful of my ultimate mission....the salvation of her soul. The guarantee of eternal life. The promise that this world isn't all there is AND that I WILL see her again.

Moses lost his temper, got fed up with their grumbling and complaining and that led to disobedience. He was not allowed to enter the promised land. Absolutely heartbreaking after all he had been called to do and the miraculous things the Lord worked through him. I cannot have my perspective tainted by emotions and out of control feelings and my mom's grumbling and complaining about life's unfairness....because, honestly, she's my mom and I hate that she's suffering...and I could go there very easily.

I'm so thankful that I'm never alone. God has sent people to counsel me, to love me, to walk with me and ultimately, his Son, my Jesus who promises to never leave me nor forsake me. I have all that I need. I pray that God gets all the glory.

Consider it joy....

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

James 1:2‭-‬6

Friday my mom was rushed to the hospital. Amputation of her leg seems the only option as there is no blood flow to her foot. She has a very long history with a clotting discorder.

Of course this is devastating news....

But God...

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
2 Corinthians 4:8‭-‬9

A couple of weeks ago I decided to enroll in an online school and begin to really study the word of God. I chose the book of James for my first class....now I know why....and not only why but what God is trying to show me with this current trial.

"Consider it pure joy..."????

Pure joy? Are you kidding me? Joy? No!!! Not joy IN the trial. Not joy ABOUT the trial. But joy WHEN I've successfully ENDURED the trial. In other words, when the trial is over, no matter how it's resolved, I will have joy that I persevered through it. That's really different, isn't it? Barring a miracle, my mom will lose her leg mid-thigh. There is no joy in that. And the weeks, months and years to follow will likely be very difficult.

But there is a bigger tragedy here....and this is the WHAT God has revealed to me.....my mom does not know the Lord. Not that I'm unaware of that but the realization that that is a far greater tragedy than her health issues. I have prayed for him to open up opportunities for me to witness to her and, of course, God has been faithful.....and I've been obedient.... so far...... to proclaim him loud and clear. Each time I've had the door shut.... hard....makes it a bit more difficult for me to be obedient to the very thing for which I prayed. I do not have much joy right now. I'm IN the trial and I see no good ending as far as resolution of this horrific circumstance. But....EVEN IF she loses her leg yet GAINS Christ...now THAT is joy even in the midst of the circumstance. And that is VICTORY! The angels in heaven will be rejoicing that another has secured eternal life!! And in THAT there is GREAT joy.

And for me, when I shift my focus from what's so close to my face...when I dial the lens back a bit I can begin to see the importance of the trial.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."
2 Peter 3:9

Not wanting ANYONE to perish without him.

I guess today, the Lord's day, I find myself exactly where I should be. In the midst of awful circumstances with the only favorable outcome being that God, working through me, would draw her to himself.

Would you please pray for my mom...that she would come to know the Lord. And for me that I would, again and again, be strong and courageous to use the opportunities that God provides to be a light in the darkness.