Be still....

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

Psalms 46:10

How exactly does one "be still"?

"The idea is something like this: "As you know the glory and greatness of God, stop your mouth from arguing with Him or opposing Him. Simply surrender." (EWC)

"In this setting, "be still and know that I am God" is not advice to us to lead a contemplative (expressing or involving prolonged thought) life, however important that may be... It means rather, 'Lay down your arms. Surrender, and acknowledge that I am the one and only victorious God." (Boice)

Surrender - the action of yielding one's person or giving up the possession of something especially into the power of another.
Yielding one's person!? And now I know why I cannot be still.....sigh ...
I'm guessing there would be those that look at me and think:

•You have a nice house
•You don't have financial concerns
•You are your own boss
•You can do whatever you want
•You're RETIRED
•You have TIME

All of the above statements are actually true. Does that mean I have a carefree life? No struggles? Abundant bliss? Hardly.....Am I blessed? Beyond measure. Do I struggle? In a nutshell...yes......

Those "freedoms" came at a very high price. With the exception of my house none of them are because I asked for them. All are a by product of great loss. And when great loss is attached it is incredibly difficult to separate.
So what is your greatest struggle right now? For me, it's TIME. Yours may be time as well. I look at my daughter's life....four children, a full-time job, a home.....never enough hours in the day. Me? Every waking hour is in need of filling. At least that's the way I see it. If I'm not DOING something I'm lazy. I'm wasting time that could be better spent. Surely I could be serving the kingdom... God, where are these grand plans I thought you'd have for me? Why am I sitting here AGAIN?

Ahhhhh......BE STILL.....and KNOW.... surrender EVERYTHING to me.....open your hands.....don't hold so tightly to that which was never yours to begin with.
I have great desire to serve God's kingdom. I assumed that's what I would be doing. In my human thinking it doesn't look like it to me.....I have too much downtime.....I'm wasting opportunity....but where is the opportunity??? (Yes, three question marks represent frustration.)

On Christmas Eve I read a devotion in a book I've clung to for the past six years....and, in God's perfect timing, he addressed this issue of time.

"As the people of God, we have become entirely too practical. We believe in having "all our irons in the fire" and that all the time we spend away from the anvil or fire is wasted time. Yet our time is never more profitably spent than when we set aside time for quiet meditation, talking with God, and looking up to heaven. We can never have too many of these open spaces in life --- hours set aside when our soul is completely open and accessible to any heavenly thought or influence that God may be pleased to send our way."
"We should have intervals of time when we do nothing, think nothing, and plan nothing but simply lie on the green lap of nature and "rest a while".

"Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”
Mark 6:31

"Time spent in this way is not lost time. A fisherman does not say he is losing time when he is mending his nets, nor does a gardener feel he has wasted his time by taking a few minutes to sharpen the blades on his mower. And people living in cities today would do well to follow the example of Isaac and as often as possible visit the fields of the countryside, away from the hustle and bustle of the city. After having grown weary from the heat and the noise of the city, communion with nature is very refreshing and will bring a calming, healing influence. A walk through a field, a stroll by a seashore, or a hike across a meadow sprinkled with daisies will purge you of the impurities of life and will cause your heart to beat with new joy and hope."

Excerpts from: Streams in the Desert December 24

Jesus models perfectly for me how precious it is to spend time in silence and communion with the Father.

Now, again, God is showing me how to "convert" my head knowledge (what I've read many times and know to be true) into heart KNOWING (taking to heart and LIVING the TRUTH).

This has been a season of life I'd never have expected. It's a season that's been hard to walk. It's been confusing.....but ... it's also given me an amazing opportunity to seek the Lord AND it's given me the ability to look more compassionately on those whose outward appearances look like they've got it all together but, like me, may have internal struggles I know nothing about.....

I find myself, yet again, grateful. For if the painful lessons of this life lead to greater understanding of my God I'm all in.

Be still.....

Blessed

"The Lord tears down the house of the proud, but he sets the widow’s boundary stones in place."

Proverbs 15:25

Upon returning home after spending the holiday with my daughter and her family I found a gift on my front porch. The above verse was written among these beautiful sentiments...

"The gift He wanted my family to give Him for his birthday was to love you and pray for you so that you might know just how deep His love is for you. He is near."

During this busy season it's easy to, not necessarily forget, but to become so busy that important people and opportunities get pushed a bit to the side. I'm talking about myself here.....I did just that....placing all of my energy in one place and ever so slightly justifying I could push something.....someone to another day. 

Yet, I come home to find that not only had I been prayed for by a special family but time was taken to bring a gift. I was so touched, felt such love, saw God's hand so clearly....and....I.....was ...convicted. Convicted that this family did for me what I did not do for a member of my own family. 

Funny as I sit here this morning, in the dark, rested after a good night's sleep, I'm actually sad that I didn't do it right. I can justify my choices and to some it would sound perfectly acceptable.....but I am without excuse....

"If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.
James 4:17

"James knows that it is far easier to think about and talk about humility and dependence on God than it is to live it. Yet he makes the mind of God plain: as we know these things, we are accountable to do them." (EWC)

"Here James returned to his consistent theme through his letter: the idea that genuine faith is proved by action. “However high and orthodox our view of God’s law might be, a failure actually to do it says to the world that we do not in fact put much store by it.” (Moo)

How many times I've said, "God, I don't know what you are doing!" WELL....how could I have possibly seen this laid out so perfectly!? One family's act of obedience to love me, during an incredibly busy, often difficult, season showed me that they did for me what I wasn't willing to do for another.

I am so grateful (actually blown away) by such kindness....my heart overflows with joy. This family prayed for me and was obedient to God's calling to love me in a difficult season....and through their obedience God has taught me how to do the same....even when I'm busy (doing good things), even when I'm exhausted, even when I don't have the "want to" even when I feel justified, even when I'm pretty sure I'll be forgiven....

As the sun rises this morning on my favorite day of the week, Celebration Sunday, I am in awe. I stand amazed in the presence of a God who teaches me hard lessons, corrects my heart and loves me like no other.

One commentary explains this verse in Proverbs like this:

"The widow is the picture and representative of a humble, needy person who looks to and depends on God. She represents the opposite of the proud, and God takes special care of those who humbly depend on Him."

As I sit at the feet of Jesus this morning I've been humbled and I'm grateful.

I WILL

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken (fall)."

Psalms 55:22

I've been pondering the "I WILL" promises, given by God in his word. Once I got accustomed to seeing them, instead of reading over them like I did for years, I read in a different light. Praise God! There is great power in the "I WILL" promises. Just looking at this verse in Psalm 55.....He WILL sustain me, He WILL NEVER let me fall. How precious is that!? I can KNOW it!! Be certain of it!! I can count on it!! Take it to the bank!! Repeat it!! Shout it!!

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

Two powerful "I AM" statements and three "I WILL" promises in one verse. I AM with you and I AM your God. I WILL strengthen you, help you and uphold you. PROMISES! Never to be broken.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

I WILL give you rest! I love this verse because, confession time, there have been many times when I have not felt God's rest. How can that be? It's a promise. God doesn't break his promises. And when I am at the end of myself I see it. I never did my part, "Come to me".....

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

Isaiah 43:2

I love this incredibly powerful, amazingly comforting verse. God doesn't promise we will have a beautifully, peaceful life...in fact he says we WILL have trouble in this world....but look at this promise, I WILL be with you....I will not be swept away by the waters nor burned by the flames. This life can be brutal. I've experienced the brutality of it and guess what? I'm still standing! Why? Because my Creator, my Savior, my Heavenly Father KEEPS his promises.

And this precious verse:

"My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

John 14:2‭-‬3

I WILL come back and take you to be with me. O glorious day!! Until that day I wait with eager anticipation. Because he WILL return to take me home to be with him. All the darkness and sorrow of this world is really hard. But alas, He has overcome the world! This is not my home!

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

Isaiah 9:6

Do you know him? There is no better moment than right now to begin a relationship with the One who CREATED you, KNOWS you, LOVES you, and desires to have a relationship with you. He is THE best gift you will ever receive.

Merry Christmas!

Pictures

When I was in California in November I'd venture to say I took 100 pictures of the mountains. I simply could not comprehend their beauty. Each time I took a picture I'd examine it to see if I got the right angle, if it captured what I saw, if, when I shared it with others, they could see what I saw. Without a doubt, each and every time, I was disappointed, not in the sense that the pictures were bad, but that what I felt by SEEING them could not be duplicated in a picture.

This morning when I saw the "pink" begin to come through my front window I went outside to catch a picture of the beautiful sky. When I reviewed the picture, while beautiful, it didn't begin to replicate what I saw with my eyes.

Reminds me of the thousands of pictures I have that have captured memories of family, friends, vacations, nature..... NONE of those pictures can replicate or replace being PRESENT in those moments. Pictures are a great reminder of what was but they cannot restore the moment I was there to experience the joy when the photo was "snapped".

I'm reminded this morning that as each moment passes it's gone forever. Not only the moment itself but the intensity of the feelings, the emotions, the magnificence.

So today, as long as it's called today, I need to remind myself that a picture can never replace being IN the moment. A picture can never restore the joy felt at the very moment it was happening. A picture can never convey fully my experience.

I can tell you that the sky, in my little neck of the woods, was beautiful this morning. A gift for my eyes. I'm so grateful that God gave me that moment. He knew it would bring joy to my heart at that very moment. I can't NOT snap the picture but I already knew it would never be as beautiful as the experience of SEEING it.

Have a beautiful day LIVING IN the experiences that will never pass your way again.

Sunrise

"Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed."

Mark 1:35

For the last two weeks, I believe, God has awoken me in the early morning, while it is still dark for a purpose. I've committed to reading and sharing what God shows to me for each of the 24 chapters of Luke (Advent through Luke - not to late to join in). 

I'm nervous everyday. Commitment is hard. 

But here's what I realized this morning and what I thanked God for......getting up and sitting at his feet while it's still pitch dark outside allows zero distractions. 

How do I know this? For the last couple of days I've been acutely aware of the sunrises. I sat at my desk one morning with just a small desk lamp on and concentrated on my study and my time with the Lord. As soon as it began to get light outside I was distracted. 

I was looking out my window, watching the neighbors leaving for work, yep, here comes the trash man, the school buses, oh look, it's snowing......and on and on.

I'm sitting here this morning, it's 7:23 and I've been up for 2 1/2 hours and as it's starting to get light outside I realized I had not turned on a single light, nor opened my curtains. It's been such sweet, quiet time with the Lord, I don't want it to end. I don't want the world to slip in and busyness to steal away the day.

Alas, I can't help but notice the pink color beginning to shine through my curtains and I am drawn to the window. I open my front door and snap this picture. God reminds me that he's here, in the daylight as well as the darkness. And while this world may have many distractions he is still here! 

I can open my curtains and begin my day because he goes WITH me. He is IN me. I am filled! My heart is full to overflowing!

But oh that sweet, sweet time in the darkness...until tomorrow...

"Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days."

Psalm 90:14

Have a beautiful day, remembering the One who gifted it to us!

The Reputation of Grief

 

Twice in two months I saw an older couple holding hands walking on the beach. 

The first time was hard...tears flowed easily. 

The second time, before the tears came, I thought, "Really God? Again?" 

Then tears.....but also this, "My child, grief never ends." 

And God, in his perfect timing, showed me that grief is a measure of the love that we had. The comfort for me was like God gave me "permission" to grieve until I see my beloved again. 

Not as if I have no hope.... because I WILL see him again...but because I loved deeply. 

Though not a single person has said, "Why aren't you past it" or "You need to move on" there is a part, in the mind of a griever, that believes that's what people are thinking. The griever may begin to feel foolish. 

So on that beautiful beach as those tears fell, God held me in his arms and said, "It's okay....from now until....it's okay." 

I don't have to feel foolish or silly. I don't have to worry whether others are uncomfortable. I'm not stuck IN my grief. I'm fully functional.... sometimes grief just sneaks out in tears and that's okay.

Prayers were definitely answered as each time I went away, away from normal, I asked God to use that time to show me what it is he wants me to learn about my life and my purpose here. 

He is a good, good Father.

 

Thanksgiving

 

Amazed - greatly surprised; astonished

I'm not sure why I'm always amazed when God "shows up"....as if he's not present all the time. Maybe the surprise is that I see it and feel it so deeply at times and not so much at other times.

This is where relationship comes in. If I'm always waiting for the a-ha moments I'm simply not resting in the shadow of the Almighty. That's what a relationship with Jesus is. If every time I saw my mom I expected a gift I'd be disappointed. If every time I saw her we had great conversation and spent time together, that's relationship. Even when I'm not in her physical presence there is a relationship. For those who have or have had tumultuous relationships with their parents (I've certainly had my share) I apologize...it is the closest earthly example I can think of.

God is always working! Sometimes we don't know what he's doing. We don't see the bigger picture. But a relationship with him assures us that he is there ALL.THE.TIME! We don't have to doubt EVER. This is exactly why a close personal walk is important....no.... ESSENTIAL. So that I continually am aware of his presence.

Seeing a beautiful sunrise or a starry sky or a miraculous healing or mended relationships or a squirrel or the birds of the air are conformation of a Sovereign God. Those are physical. We SEE them.

But what about the really hard stuff...the stuff that doesn't make sense.....does that mean that God is not present, that he simply doesn't care? For me, one who has surrendered to Jesus I know that he is, in fact, still there. How do I know? Because I have a relationship with him. Not just in the good times, not just when I can physically see it, not just when I get what I want or what I ask for...but in the really hard times. In the unexpected losses, the heartbreaking, incomprehensible circumstances....the dark places that literally tear at one's soul. Yes he is there. He promises to never leave me nor forsake me EVER. When all in this earthly life passes away, those that I love, my health...you name it.... Jesus will be standing with arms wide open.

This verse is so precious:

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me."
Revelation 3:20

He's right there all.the.time! Not just on an "as needed" basis. We don't just interact with our parents or children when we need something! They are not the license bureau that you visit once a year for a license sticker!
God is available 24/7.... #1 - because he is and #2 - because he desires to have a relationship with you!

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."
Matthew 7:7‭-‬8

"When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."
James 4:3

Do I only seek him when I want something? How about asking for relief when the pressure of life is more than I can handle? When a loved one is sick? Truth be told...he already knows. He knows exactly what I need, when I need it, how to deliver it AND he knows if I will choose to hear him or if I'll choose not too.

"......for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
1Samuel 16:7

He knows my heart! He created me in his likeness! He WANTS a relationship with me! I am his child! He is my daddy!

I follow a scripture writing plan each month. These are the verses for today--Thanksgiving 2021. How appropriate is the reminder of what he did for me and for all.
I am thankful for the life he's provided for me. My family, my children and wonderful godly women....ALL who hold me up. I am thankful that he does not waste my sorrows. That he uses everything to create in me a heart like his.


On this Thanksgiving Day 2021 it is my prayer that you know my Jesus. Have a blessed day.

Dry crust

This verse came up today in my scripture writing plan. How appropriate for this season. 

I began to think that not everyone has wonderfully blessed holidays. 

I actually experienced volatile holidays most of my childhood. The food was always, always delicious. Prepared with love and displayed with great care. But always with intense concern of what might happen, when the other shoe would drop, what anger might be expressed, how it would be expressed....tense. 

Strife is defined as vigorous or bitter conflict, discord, or antagonism. I remember telling my mom that I would rather live in a homeless shelter than to experience life in our house.

All of that is not meant to illicit sympathy but simply to acknowledge those that don't experience storybook holidays.

And God's wisdom???!!! A-mazing!!

Isn't this really true? I would much rather have a bad piece of pumpkin pie, dry turkey and lumpy gravy with peace and quietness than an amazing feast riddled with bitter conflict, discord or antagonism.

How about you?

Transformation through suffering

Transform - make a thorough or dramatic change in the form, appearance, or character of...

Yesterday I set about to close my porch. This time of year I find myself rather melancholy. Closing my porch is especially hard. It's my quiet place. A place that gives me a great deal of peace and calm, an escape.....a place with lots of light, a cool breeze....quiet, oh so much quiet. 

Even when my beloved was alive it was a place that I often escaped to while he chose the lake. This year it pinches just a bit more. My space has been transformed after 40 years. It's very, very different. It has been reimagined. It has become a place I have shared with others instead of it being simply an escape for me. 

As I cleaned, packed and stored I fondly remembered amazing conversations, beautiful fellowship and God glorifying love that took place in that space. As I packed away the seashells, the table runners and my flamingo I couldn't help but think of the many months ahead until I unpack it all again. This last year has seen an entire transformation of my home but I will really miss my outdoor space.

The leaves are gone, the rain is cold and the winds are bone chilling. Even the weather is transforming, dramatically, before my very eyes. Really got me thinking about that word -- transform.

God has been transforming me into the likeness of Christ since the day I accepted him as Lord and Savior.....over 30 years ago now.

"And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."
2 Corinthians 3:18

There have been many, many times that transformation has brought me great joy. The first time I witnessed one of my grandchildren's births I was different from that day forward. Of course I watched my own three children come into the world but, honestly, I thought then of how my beloved and me had created such an exquisite human being. This time was different. I knew Jesus and I knew my sweet granddaughter was his creation. There's a difference. No, it doesn't diminish the joy I felt at the birth of my own children, ever, but I did not know the joy of praising God for such amazing provision. Transformation through joys, or those A-HA moments is incredible. If I had a choice, I'd choose it that way every time.

"Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."
Romans 8:17

In this earthly life, most adults know that life is full of ups and downs, good and bad, pretty and ugly. Just turn on your TV or browse the internet and you'll see goodness that tugs at your heart strings and bring tears to your eyes and you'll see evil that is beyond your ability to comprehend. I think we can all agree that we learn and are changed from the good times but also by hardship and sorrow.

"He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem. Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before its shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth."
Isaiah 53:3‭-‬4‭, ‬7

Jesus was a gentle, kind, compassionate, loving man though he wasn't a pushover, afraid of confrontation or afraid of speaking truth. He spoke truth in love. He didn't argue...in fact, even through suffering "he did not open his mouth". I cannot think of anyone I'd rather be like than Jesus. 

That means a lifetime of transformation and........... it means suffering.

Before my beloved was taken I used to pray everyday, "Draw me closer to you Lord". So often when we pray we don't actually realize what exactly we are praying for. For example, if you pray for patience as I once did, you'll realize that God doesn't just give you an extra helping of patience. NO! He places you in circumstances that require MORE patience!

When I prayed for God to draw me closer to him I had no idea how he would actually do it. I'm not saying he allowed my husband's death for that purpose I'm saying I now realize what a BOLD prayer that really was. It was a prayer for transformation. I have a friend that prays for God to "transform her (into Jesus' likeness) no matter what it takes." That's bold!

Though my transformation began 30 years ago, these last six have been such transforming years that at times I hardly recognize myself. Great suffering has been part of that transformation. I know a bit more about the building of my character through perseverance. And I know a bit more about peace through faith.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
Romans 5:1‭-‬5 

I'm pretty certain if I talked to 100 Christ followers a very high percentage would say they would prefer not to suffer. I'm also fairly certain that those that have suffered would say that they are different and they are definitely closer to God through that suffering. I know I am for sure. I keep thinking, if I didn't know Christ as Savior, than all the suffering would be for nothing. I can't imagine suffering that has no outcome other than having suffered.

Transformation is hard but it's profitable. If you know Jesus as Lord and Savior you are highly likely to be experiencing transformation through really hard circumstances. It is part of the journey but the reward? Eternal life!! This world is temporary!!

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:17‭-‬18

SO........

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2‭-‬4

God, I don't know all the answers. I'm not sure I want to. Actually, I'm sure I don't. The comfort I find in your Word is more than I could ask or imagine and so very necessary in a world where so many things don't make sense. Transformation is hard. Thank you that you are honing me to be like your Son. Thank you that this world isn't all there is. Thank you that suffering has purpose even when I don't like it or understand it. Thank you that I experience your goodness even in the midst of great sorrow. God, you call me to be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer. Lord, let it be as you say.

From where does contentment come

Contentment - the state of being happy and satisfied.

Since I've been fully retired (lacking any necessity for routine)......I've struggled. It's only been roughly ten weeks but it's been tough. I've prayed to serve the kingdom. Have my pleas fallen on deaf ears? Does God hear me? My desire? My need? Lord, there's just SO much time. I KNOW you hear my every word and more importantly you know my heart.

But sometimes what I know and what I tell myself are very different.

What I want and what God knows I need are often two very different things and THAT is why I'm struggling.

I have had three vacations in the last three months. For most it would be hard to understand why it's difficult to enjoy the downtime. The company has been fantastic and the beauty...oh the beauty.....of God's creation. So evident at the beach and in the desert....the waters of the sea and the mountains. So I began to petition, "God, use this time away to show me what contentment looks like in the everyday. Take me out of "normal" to show me what normal looks like. "

Scripture tells me to ask and it will be given, seek and I shall find and knock and the door will be opened. Scripture also says my God is faithful, "The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it."

One of my devotions this week said this:

"You my dear friend are fearfully and wonderfully made. You have been hand crafted by the same One who made the most beautiful springtime flowers, majestic evening sunsets and power of the ocean waves. You are not a mistake but have been planned since the beginning of time."

I cannot grasp my worthiness compared to the magnificence of the roaring ocean and the most majestic mountains I've ever seen. In the last ten weeks I've made this statement many, many times, "If I could truly grasp how much God loves me, how I live my life would be exponentially different." That is Truth! 

I continually fall into a pattern of wrong thinking.....I have to earn God's love, barter for his attention and beg for his affection. I KNOW those thoughts are the enemy!!! Isn't it interesting, just like Eve, I entertain that same serpent who said, "Did God REALLY say....." That very serpent, by the way, that has come to steal, kill and destroy. Even when I know, I am still tempted to think otherwise, to look at my circumstances and tell myself lies!

The thought of the enemy giving a high five to another successful plot to turn my eyes from Jesus should be enough to make my hair stand on end. To make me stand firm in the armor I already possess. I should be replacing my wrong thoughts with Truth. The Truth I know! The Truth I believe! The Truth I claim!

These vacations have been eye opening. They are showing me God's unending love. His unbelievable patience and his desire to turn my eyes from my circumstances to his love and provision for me.

I may only ever be a small ripple in a big pond. I may never be a big, powerful wave but God does not love me less. I am his perfect design. I never thought I'd have to be shown that and part of me wants to be ashamed. After all, how many times does he have to show me the outcome of a ripple is often very, very sweet. It's not that I don't recognize it and feel blessed by it...it's that instead of resting in the ripple I'm constantly looking for the wave.

God, thank you for vacations. Thank you for downtime. Thank you that I saw you in the waves and in the ripples, in the rain and in the sunshine, in the magnificence of the sea and the grandeur of the mountains. You created them for your glory and you created me for the same purpose: To glorify you and enjoy your presence forever.
I cannot fathom the depth of your love. By faith and trust I choose to follow you, rest in you and more than anything, to find peace in you that passes all understanding. Thank you for helping me to hear your voice in the downtime. Thank you for meeting me where I am and showing me who you are, immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine. Thank you that my contentment comes from you. Thank you that you love me unconditionally and nothing can separate me from you. I am so grateful.

Waiting & Expectation

Wait - to stay in place in expectation.

Expectation - a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

I've been thinking a lot about those two words lately. I'm finding full retirement isn't all it's cracked up to be. Shocked? I certainly am! What's not to like about having the time to do whatever you want whenever you want? The world is your oyster, right? If you're single......or a widow , you can just do your thing! GO.BE.YOU! It's all good!

I love this scripture. It gives me reason to ponder.

"In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly." Psalm 5:3

So...I stay in a place of expectation (waiting) with the strong belief that something WILL happen in the future. Okay.

Waiting is one of THE hardest things I'll ever do. Waiting can be easy... something simple like waiting for someone to pick me up for dinner (the expectation of having a great time of fellowship) or very, very hard...like waiting for God to reveal what retirement looks like to a widow. 

With expectation? 

Take another look at the definition of expectation. "The strong belief that something WILL happen. Hmmmm.... something....

Something - a thing that is unspecified or unknown.

I'm all about KNOWING. I want to KNOW. I want a plan! I want confirmation! So I wait with expectation of what! MY plan? MY desires? The fulfillment of MY dreams?

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. '” Jeremiah 29:11.

I don't make the plan. I don't have control over the plan. I can't see the plan.
Faith - strong belief or trust in someone or something.

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
Matthew 6:25-27

Being at the beach always, always, always finds me fascinated with the birds. I think about God's care of the creatures we rarely think about in everyday life. The birds, the squirrels, the chippys.....Am I not much more valuable than they?

There are so many verses in God's word about plans, expectation, waiting....faith.....trust.

PLANS

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." Proverbs 19:21

WAITING
"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

EXPECTATION
"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
Ephesians 4:19

TRUST
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."
Proverbs 3:5-6

Every single time I fret about my future I wish my first response would be to just do what I'm doing now. Hash it out! Go directly to the One true Source.

FAITH
"He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
Matthew 17:20

And where I sit in these wee hours this morning.... I'm praying that God will reveal to me these things:

1. How to wait.... patiently WITH confidence.

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13

2. My tears are not wasted.

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8 (NLT)

3. My sorrow is for a time.

".....weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

4. He WILL meet ALL my needs.

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work."
2 Corinthians 9:8

5. And the hardest...in the waiting I will see him..

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." Matthew 5:8

God, keep my heart pure before you. Transitions are hard. Change is hard. Sometimes it's just hard when I can't see what you're doing....even when I know you promise to work all things for good for those who love you and who are called according to your purpose. Sometimes....well a lot of the time...it's takes my heart a while to catch up. Thank you for meeting me where I'm at and thank you for your graciousness to be patient with me as I learn how to better trust and follow you. If faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains surely I can move mountains. Help me Lord to keep my eyes fixed on you, the author and perfector of faith. You are a mighty, awesome God and on this very early morning, a new day dawning I give you praise and glory.
Amen.

Accountable

Accountable - required or expected to justify actions or decisions; responsible.

I remember when I was a little girl and even when raising my kids that accountability was a big thing. If I got in trouble at school, I was in even bigger trouble at home. I raised my kids the same way. You are accountable for your actions, period. No excuses, no blaming, no shouting, "that's not fair!!" I was taught to "own it". Admit, say you're sorry, serve your punishment and don't do it again. Learn from your mistakes, don't repeat them. Writing it here, it still makes perfect sense.

I read this morning a heartbreaking story. The story of Judas. Though he walked with Jesus for three years he still did not repent for handing Jesus over to the Pharisees. I went digging for answers because those verses, while I found Judas' sorrow palpable, I never thought before about Jesus standing right there. I immediately thought, "Why didn't he fall to his knees in repentance?"

 A commentary I read this morning said this:

"Even after his dreadful deed, Judas could have fallen on his knees to beg God’s forgiveness. But he did not. He may have felt some remorse born of fear, which caused him to return the money to the Pharisees, but he never repented, preferring instead to commit suicide."

Judas was accountable for his actions. It goes on to say this:

"However, the fact that it was all foreordained does not excuse Judas or absolve him from the punishment he would suffer for his part in the drama. Judas made his own choices, and they were the source of his own damnation. Yet the choices fit perfectly into the sovereign plan of God. God controls not only the good, but also the evil of man to accomplish His own ends. Here we see Jesus condemning Judas, but considering that Judas travelled with Jesus for nearly three years, we know He also gave Judas ample opportunity for salvation and repentance."

He was accountable and so am I.

So what does that look like in my life? 

I live alone. I make my own decisions. I make my own choices. To whom am I accountable? In my mind I've been flying solo for six years now. I can get out of bed when I want to, eat what I want when I want, I can say yes or no to anything, I can work if I want to, I can sit and watch TV if I want to, I can say no to those I don't want to see, I can say yes or no to going somewhere or doing something if it does or does not suit my mood, desire or ambition. I can exercise if I care to, clean my house if I want to, cook if I want to.....you get the picture.

 It's really hard not having my accountability partner. After so many years of caring for and about one another, I'm not sure I'll ever feel like a whole person again. He was my other half. Two flesh become one....so when one is removed, at least for me, it feels like an amputation. I have to learn how to walk again. There is no one, in this day to day life, who will love me, care for me and hold me accountable like my beloved did. His thoughts, feelings and ways meant the world to me. I am really accountable to no one.....or am I?

This thought came to mind: Though I no longer have an earthly accountability partner, as I did with my beloved, my actions and the freedom to make my own choices can and will have consequences. If God is sovereign and I believe that he is, HE IS my TRUE accountability partner. From the day I ask Jesus to come into my heart and forgive my sins this is what he says:

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."
1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I am NOT my own. It matters not that I no longer have a spouse! Once saved, I am and always have been accountable to Christ. When I stand before him someday he will not ask me what my beloved and I did together. I will stand alone, accountable for ME.

"But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned. For everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.
Matthew 12:36-37

"If anyone, then, know the good they ought to do and doesn't do it, it is sin for them."
James 4:17

And the verse that really got me:

"For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."
2 Corinthians 5:10

And one more:

"For since creation of the world God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse."

Romans 1:20

Without excuse......

All who have professed Christ as Savior are without excuse, period! Matters not our earthly circumstances. It just doesn't. God is never, never, never going to love me less on a bad day or more on a good day. He has been so good to me. When I stand before my Abba Father on that glorious day he calls me home, my desire is to be right before him. 

Revelation 3:11 says, "I am coming soon. Hold fast what you have, so that no one may seize your crown."

I love what this commentary says about this verse:

That no one may take your crown: If they failed to hold fast, their crown might be given to another. The idea is not that it might be stolen by another, but given. This was not a crown of royalty, given because of royal birth. This was a crown of VICTORY. Jesus encouraged His saints to finish their course with victory, to “play the second half” just as strongly as they “played the first half.” 

“Never forget that the man most likely to steal your crown is yourself. ‘Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life’ (Proverbs 4:23). You are in no greater danger from anyone or anything than from yourself.” (Havner)

As always happens when I'm fretting, going to the word of God will keep me from leaning on my own understanding and he will set my path straight again. And just maybe each time he sets my path straight I'll have a bit more understanding of how to keep it straight. Bit by bit he is honing me and sharpening me. Am I listening, really listening? Am I keeping my eye on the prize? What a glorious day it really will be when I stand before God with my crown firmly in place....until I can, with a heart pounding joy, place it at his feet as he says,

"Well done good and faithful servant."

In the midst.....

In the midst - a period of time about the middle of a continuing act or condition
I'm sitting here in the quiet and I'd like to add "before it gets loud" but those really loud days have been waning for me for quite some time now. I can attest to the fact that when it is loud I desire peace and quiet and now the reverse...when it's so quiet I desire a little loud.
My beloved used to head to the lake for a bit of fishing and say, "so you can have some quiet time". He'd barely be out of the driveway and I'd be brewing a hot cup of tea with my book already in hand. I used to relish those precious hours of solitude.....when I'd get absorbed in a good novel and life seemed to stop just a bit.....just a bit. Now, solitude and time are in abundance. There's really no balance and there's now, no need to catch my breath. There was a time I would think about retirement and how wonderful it would be... morning tea (to his coffee), small talk, day planning, future planning, chores....no urgency, because the weekends would just blend into the weekdays....no rushing, no timelines....a peace we had worked towards, time we deserved......time.....a word I've come to cringe at. Shattered dreams that seek reckoning.

It's Monday morning and I'm coming off of three amazing days at my church's women's retreat. I was surrounded by 150 women who all came to hear the Word of God, to be loved, to corporately praise our Savior as one voice and for quiet time to hear Him speak to each of us in different ways, directly into our personal circumstances. Oh how I wish I could replicate that silence.... in my home. I wish I could so completely settle my heart before him as I did there.....in my home. I wish I could always feel his presence like I did those days....in my home.

Re-entry is really hard. In the midst of planning the retreat I packed my beloved's work boots, black paint and brushes ....and though aware, I was not sad. The boot marks across the table runners represented the steps of God's army. I was proud to have his boots come to use in that way. Never once thinking that seeing those runners would impact me the way that they did. Our speaker told the women our planning is personal. Didn't really think about that in the midst....but this morning, those boots prints are all I can think about.
Our retreat was "A Call to Arms - The Story of Joshua". The teaching was POWERFUL! God uses really hard circumstances as a means not the end. This question was difficult for me:
Almost always, it is the most painful parts of my life that stand out. How would my thoughts and feelings change as I consider the person God is working to create in me?

Time is difficult...I have an abundance of it. I feel like it's feast or famine. This week each day and evening is jam packed. Next week, nothing...and so it goes....On those days or in those weeks of famine I truly desire, at a heart level, to come before my God and inquire, "Lord, what would you have for me today?" Because I greatly desire it doesn't mean I ask for it. I think of this scripture:

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
Matthew 7:7

Ask, seek, knock.....I DON'T DO THAT!
".....how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
Matthew 7:11

At retreat there was a beautiful song, years old...I know the lyrics by heart...this stanza pricked my heart in a really powerful way:

"I wanna sign your name at the end of this day knowing that my heart was true....let my life song sing to you."

Do I truly live for Christ each moment of each day? Can I sign his name to the end of each day? Would He say, "well done" at the end of each day?
Again I cringe. But why? That's not God!

God desires... actually that's wrong...God PROVIDES peace and rest for my soul.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
John 14:2

Do not be afraid.....Hmmmm....I AM afraid. Afraid of disappointing my Creator....even when I KNOW that is wrong thinking. Please hear me, that is WRONG thinking. That is a false gospel!!! That is NOT the Jesus I know and love and that knows and loves me. That is the enemy that seeks to kill and destroy.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10

I may have LIFE!! A commentary says it this way:

The abundant life is above all the contented life, in which our contentment is based upon the fact that God is equal to every emergency and is able to supply all our needs according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus.” (Boice)

. Abundant life isn’t an especially long life.
· Abundant life isn’t an easy, comfortable life.
· Abundant life is a life of satisfaction and contentment in Jesus.

Life is a matter of degrees. Some have life, but it flickers like a dying candle, and is indistinct as the fire in the smoking flax; others are full of life, and are bright and vehement.” (Spurgeon)

Abundant earthly life comes when I fix my eyes on Him, not my circumstances.
Aloneness was mentioned at retreat. That hit a really vulnerable part of my being at this time in my life. During my time, in the quiet, on the beautiful shores of Lake Erie, I cried out....no, I didn't, I simply sobbed before him. There were no words and praise before him..... He knew my every need, my every desire...he simply says, "Come". And that's exactly what I did.

I opened my Bible and there before my eyes was 1 Peter 5:6-7

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

In due time...HIS timing not my own. He provides rest for my weariness IN the battle and he provides peace for my soul in the in between.

"For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Thank you God, that this world isn't all there is. Thank you that you are preparing a place for me and that you will come back for me and I will be with you in eternity. Thank you that you've shown me that with an eternal perspective, the momentary hardships of this earthly life are just that, momentary. Thank you for the correction that IF I ask, IF I seek, IF I knock you WILL open the door to a life more abundant than I can ask or imagine. Forgive me that I am so quick to wallow in my circumstances rather than seek the One who never leaves me, never fails me....never abandons me. I am never alone thanks be to God.

Time

Time - the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.

I woke up this morning with the thought of time on my mind. No wonder.....I was awake several times overnight and then around 5 am I began the process of, "How long before I should get up?" Here we go, "It's 5:00 and I have to leave the house at 8:30 for a dentist appointment at 8:50. That gives me 3 1/2 hours. Hmmm....what do I have to do before I leave? Make my bed, always....time with Jesus, always.....get cleaned up, always....then I began to think of household chores that I might want to do because I have to go directly from the dentist to take my mom to a doctor appointment." I finally determined that getting up at 6:00 would give me plenty of time to do what had to be done and get me where I needed to go on time.

I've heard many, many people say that after retirement their lives are so busy they don't know how they actually fit work in! I get it! I am struggling with time. I either have too much, which is, in my opinion, awful OR I don't have enough and find myself frazzled. Such a conundrum. If I had to choose I'd rather be frazzled. Trying to fill time means bad choices.....spending money.....eating too much.....thinking too much......indulging habits that really need to go away for good.

I find myself anxious to dive into God's word to see what he says about time. He has a lot to say.....I know it. What does HE want me to do with the time I've been given? More than anything I want to use my time wisely. I remember a time when I couldn't get my beloved to sit down and relax.....and when I could actually sit down and read a novel in two days flat. He was always doing and I knew the art of relaxing. Now, in so many ways, I look back and realize his relaxing was just different from mine and my doing was different from his. Neither wrong.....just different. What was right for him wasn't wrong for me and vice versa. Why do we try to get people to conform to our routines? We are each different, created from a mold only used once and each with a life plan unique to them. So what does the word of God say about time? What am I supposed to be doing with my time, the time He has given me?

I read this quote:

"God's Word advises us to use our time wisely because He knows that there are many things in life that can distract us from what truly matters. Do not waste your time so that you look back with regret - you do not know what tomorrow holds!"
AMEN and AMEN! I've lived that last part!

I can't help but go to Ecclesiastes. Solomon, described as "a fabulously wealthy and wise King" set out to enjoy life. He had everything! And I mean everything! He built houses, planted vineyards. He made gardens and parks and planted fruit trees in them. He built reservoirs to water them. He had people that worked for him....lots of them. He had more herds and flocks than anyone in Jerusalem. He amassed silver and gold, singers and a haram. He had 700 wives and 300 concubines!

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Ecclesiastes is one of my favorite books in the Bible. Solomon had everything money could buy. All the things we think we need. All the things we think will make us happy. But in the end ALL was found to be meaningless. Some translations say "Vanity!! Vanity!!"
In Ephesians (5:15-16 KJV) and Colossians (4:5 KJV) it talks about "redeeming the time". A commentary says, "To redeem something means to buy it back, to regain possession of it. 

Time is a gift from God, and none of us know how much of it we are allotted. Only God knows how much time each of us has on this earth to make decisions that will impact eternity (Psalm 139:16). When God says we should be “redeeming the time,” He wants us to live in constant awareness of that ticking clock and make the most of the time we have."
Ephesians 5:16 NIV says it this way, "Be very careful, then, how you live---not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil."
And just like that an hour has passed and I must move forward. I, literally, could stay right here for hours. Pouring over all that God says about time. But I'll end here with Solomon's conclusion:

"Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the duty of all mankind.
For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil."

Ecclesiastes 12:13

God, you already know what today holds for me. Your word says that every day is written before one of them comes to be. Help me to redeem my time, help me to make the most of every opportunity. Lord, help me not to miss what you lay before me today...whether it be a circumstance or a person. Help me to understand more fully that time is so, so precious. I actually cringe that I have to ask you to show me how precious time is.....like I haven't lived it. Forgive me that I can be such a slow learner. I want to do better God and I know that if I take you with me....because, I confess, sometimes I don't, that I can and will be productive for your kingdom. I really want that Lord. Thank you for being patient with me and showing me your unconditional love.

Longevity

 

Longevity - The length of life....

I'm sitting on the beach. It's not yet 11:00. The morning is gorgeous after two days of storms. The sun is warm and the breeze is cool. The six of us are semi-circled, occasionally chatting, napping or reading. It is a glorious last day of a wonderful week. I glance up from my novel to see this couple walking. I surmise they are older than me but I've never been a good judge of age. Tears spring to my eyes involuntarily and the thought that I've had a jillion times: I wanted that! I wanted longevity....not for my life alone but with my beloved. I was so proud of the work we had done in our marriage. New understanding, a closeness that longevity provides....rewards of perseverance. In that sense 41 years actually was a gift of longevity. The fruit of hard work is where we were....the years beyond were our reward right?

Now, where I sit in this journey, instead of questioning "why" I ask, "God, show me what it is you want me to learn." For those who think that's an easy question.....like, "Wow, her husband was killed and she says teach me"....oh no! I'm just a widow that has wrestled, begged, cried out and pleaded for my beloved's return or to wake from my nightmare....and has finally allowed the realization that he's not coming back to allow me to seek different answers. Hard? You bet! Especially times like today when I wanted to be that couple. Holding hands with my beloved, walking with him, sharing life....having longevity beyond our wildest dreams.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."
Ecclesiastes 3:1

So hard....was our season over?

"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
Psalms 139:16

"The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."
Psalm 121:7-8

And this is where I am today....do I believe it? Do I believe my beloved's season was over? Do I believe 60 years were written in the book beside his name? Do I believe it even when someone made a bad decision that day that cut off the furthering of our longevity? Was it her or was it God's sovereignty?

I'm so grateful that this life is a journey and not a destination. Because, just like that, in an instant, a couple holding hands, takes me back years.....a longing for what was wells up like a long lost friend and I am faced, again, with asking, "Why God, did you allow this?"

And he answers when I listen:

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26

He says, "Dianna, you ARE going to have all of those thoughts and feelings but.... I AM your strength. I AM your portion. I AM your longevity. I always have been and I always will be."

"Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me."
Psalm 31:3

"And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever."
John 2:17

I need only look as far as the book in my beach bag.... God's Word....
"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:19

I'm truly happy when I see couples who have persevered through hard times...that divorce would never have been an option, who spoke the words, "until death do us part" with conviction. I can't help my heart goes to a really sad place for it is the heart God gave me. If God gives a tender heart, though often painful, it still feels great joy when filled to overflowing with his promises.

God, you already knew that seeing this beautiful couple would be painful for me. Your word says you know every word on my tongue before I say it so you know these words, " I wanted that". It is not a surprise to you that they walked in front of me this beautiful morning. But then...your gentle whisper says, "Dianna, I'm here" and I can dry my tears and look to the one who holds my heart, counts every tear and collects them in a bottle. God, if you care so much to collect my tears I know I can endure and I can count it all joy.