In the midst.....

In the midst - a period of time about the middle of a continuing act or condition
I'm sitting here in the quiet and I'd like to add "before it gets loud" but those really loud days have been waning for me for quite some time now. I can attest to the fact that when it is loud I desire peace and quiet and now the reverse...when it's so quiet I desire a little loud.
My beloved used to head to the lake for a bit of fishing and say, "so you can have some quiet time". He'd barely be out of the driveway and I'd be brewing a hot cup of tea with my book already in hand. I used to relish those precious hours of solitude.....when I'd get absorbed in a good novel and life seemed to stop just a bit.....just a bit. Now, solitude and time are in abundance. There's really no balance and there's now, no need to catch my breath. There was a time I would think about retirement and how wonderful it would be... morning tea (to his coffee), small talk, day planning, future planning, chores....no urgency, because the weekends would just blend into the weekdays....no rushing, no timelines....a peace we had worked towards, time we deserved......time.....a word I've come to cringe at. Shattered dreams that seek reckoning.

It's Monday morning and I'm coming off of three amazing days at my church's women's retreat. I was surrounded by 150 women who all came to hear the Word of God, to be loved, to corporately praise our Savior as one voice and for quiet time to hear Him speak to each of us in different ways, directly into our personal circumstances. Oh how I wish I could replicate that silence.... in my home. I wish I could so completely settle my heart before him as I did there.....in my home. I wish I could always feel his presence like I did those days....in my home.

Re-entry is really hard. In the midst of planning the retreat I packed my beloved's work boots, black paint and brushes ....and though aware, I was not sad. The boot marks across the table runners represented the steps of God's army. I was proud to have his boots come to use in that way. Never once thinking that seeing those runners would impact me the way that they did. Our speaker told the women our planning is personal. Didn't really think about that in the midst....but this morning, those boots prints are all I can think about.
Our retreat was "A Call to Arms - The Story of Joshua". The teaching was POWERFUL! God uses really hard circumstances as a means not the end. This question was difficult for me:
Almost always, it is the most painful parts of my life that stand out. How would my thoughts and feelings change as I consider the person God is working to create in me?

Time is difficult...I have an abundance of it. I feel like it's feast or famine. This week each day and evening is jam packed. Next week, nothing...and so it goes....On those days or in those weeks of famine I truly desire, at a heart level, to come before my God and inquire, "Lord, what would you have for me today?" Because I greatly desire it doesn't mean I ask for it. I think of this scripture:

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
Matthew 7:7

Ask, seek, knock.....I DON'T DO THAT!
".....how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
Matthew 7:11

At retreat there was a beautiful song, years old...I know the lyrics by heart...this stanza pricked my heart in a really powerful way:

"I wanna sign your name at the end of this day knowing that my heart was true....let my life song sing to you."

Do I truly live for Christ each moment of each day? Can I sign his name to the end of each day? Would He say, "well done" at the end of each day?
Again I cringe. But why? That's not God!

God desires... actually that's wrong...God PROVIDES peace and rest for my soul.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
John 14:2

Do not be afraid.....Hmmmm....I AM afraid. Afraid of disappointing my Creator....even when I KNOW that is wrong thinking. Please hear me, that is WRONG thinking. That is a false gospel!!! That is NOT the Jesus I know and love and that knows and loves me. That is the enemy that seeks to kill and destroy.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10

I may have LIFE!! A commentary says it this way:

The abundant life is above all the contented life, in which our contentment is based upon the fact that God is equal to every emergency and is able to supply all our needs according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus.” (Boice)

. Abundant life isn’t an especially long life.
· Abundant life isn’t an easy, comfortable life.
· Abundant life is a life of satisfaction and contentment in Jesus.

Life is a matter of degrees. Some have life, but it flickers like a dying candle, and is indistinct as the fire in the smoking flax; others are full of life, and are bright and vehement.” (Spurgeon)

Abundant earthly life comes when I fix my eyes on Him, not my circumstances.
Aloneness was mentioned at retreat. That hit a really vulnerable part of my being at this time in my life. During my time, in the quiet, on the beautiful shores of Lake Erie, I cried out....no, I didn't, I simply sobbed before him. There were no words and praise before him..... He knew my every need, my every desire...he simply says, "Come". And that's exactly what I did.

I opened my Bible and there before my eyes was 1 Peter 5:6-7

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

In due time...HIS timing not my own. He provides rest for my weariness IN the battle and he provides peace for my soul in the in between.

"For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Thank you God, that this world isn't all there is. Thank you that you are preparing a place for me and that you will come back for me and I will be with you in eternity. Thank you that you've shown me that with an eternal perspective, the momentary hardships of this earthly life are just that, momentary. Thank you for the correction that IF I ask, IF I seek, IF I knock you WILL open the door to a life more abundant than I can ask or imagine. Forgive me that I am so quick to wallow in my circumstances rather than seek the One who never leaves me, never fails me....never abandons me. I am never alone thanks be to God.