Since I've been fully retired (lacking any necessity for routine)......I've struggled. It's only been roughly ten weeks but it's been tough. I've prayed to serve the kingdom. Have my pleas fallen on deaf ears? Does God hear me? My desire? My need? Lord, there's just SO much time. I KNOW you hear my every word and more importantly you know my heart.
But sometimes what I know and what I tell myself are very different.
What I want and what God knows I need are often two very different things and THAT is why I'm struggling.
I have had three vacations in the last three months. For most it would be hard to understand why it's difficult to enjoy the downtime. The company has been fantastic and the beauty...oh the beauty.....of God's creation. So evident at the beach and in the desert....the waters of the sea and the mountains. So I began to petition, "God, use this time away to show me what contentment looks like in the everyday. Take me out of "normal" to show me what normal looks like. "
Scripture tells me to ask and it will be given, seek and I shall find and knock and the door will be opened. Scripture also says my God is faithful, "The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it."
One of my devotions this week said this:
"You my dear friend are fearfully and wonderfully made. You have been hand crafted by the same One who made the most beautiful springtime flowers, majestic evening sunsets and power of the ocean waves. You are not a mistake but have been planned since the beginning of time."
I cannot grasp my worthiness compared to the magnificence of the roaring ocean and the most majestic mountains I've ever seen. In the last ten weeks I've made this statement many, many times, "If I could truly grasp how much God loves me, how I live my life would be exponentially different." That is Truth!
I continually fall into a pattern of wrong thinking.....I have to earn God's love, barter for his attention and beg for his affection. I KNOW those thoughts are the enemy!!! Isn't it interesting, just like Eve, I entertain that same serpent who said, "Did God REALLY say....." That very serpent, by the way, that has come to steal, kill and destroy. Even when I know, I am still tempted to think otherwise, to look at my circumstances and tell myself lies!
The thought of the enemy giving a high five to another successful plot to turn my eyes from Jesus should be enough to make my hair stand on end. To make me stand firm in the armor I already possess. I should be replacing my wrong thoughts with Truth. The Truth I know! The Truth I believe! The Truth I claim!
These vacations have been eye opening. They are showing me God's unending love. His unbelievable patience and his desire to turn my eyes from my circumstances to his love and provision for me.
I may only ever be a small ripple in a big pond. I may never be a big, powerful wave but God does not love me less. I am his perfect design. I never thought I'd have to be shown that and part of me wants to be ashamed. After all, how many times does he have to show me the outcome of a ripple is often very, very sweet. It's not that I don't recognize it and feel blessed by it...it's that instead of resting in the ripple I'm constantly looking for the wave.
God, thank you for vacations. Thank you for downtime. Thank you that I saw you in the waves and in the ripples, in the rain and in the sunshine, in the magnificence of the sea and the grandeur of the mountains. You created them for your glory and you created me for the same purpose: To glorify you and enjoy your presence forever.
I cannot fathom the depth of your love. By faith and trust I choose to follow you, rest in you and more than anything, to find peace in you that passes all understanding. Thank you for helping me to hear your voice in the downtime. Thank you for meeting me where I am and showing me who you are, immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine. Thank you that my contentment comes from you. Thank you that you love me unconditionally and nothing can separate me from you. I am so grateful.
I cannot fathom the depth of your love. By faith and trust I choose to follow you, rest in you and more than anything, to find peace in you that passes all understanding. Thank you for helping me to hear your voice in the downtime. Thank you for meeting me where I am and showing me who you are, immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine. Thank you that my contentment comes from you. Thank you that you love me unconditionally and nothing can separate me from you. I am so grateful.
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