I'm sitting on the beach. It's not yet 11:00. The morning is gorgeous after two days of storms. The sun is warm and the breeze is cool. The six of us are semi-circled, occasionally chatting, napping or reading. It is a glorious last day of a wonderful week. I glance up from my novel to see this couple walking. I surmise they are older than me but I've never been a good judge of age. Tears spring to my eyes involuntarily and the thought that I've had a jillion times: I wanted that! I wanted longevity....not for my life alone but with my beloved. I was so proud of the work we had done in our marriage. New understanding, a closeness that longevity provides....rewards of perseverance. In that sense 41 years actually was a gift of longevity. The fruit of hard work is where we were....the years beyond were our reward right?
Now, where I sit in this journey, instead of questioning "why" I ask, "God, show me what it is you want me to learn." For those who think that's an easy question.....like, "Wow, her husband was killed and she says teach me"....oh no! I'm just a widow that has wrestled, begged, cried out and pleaded for my beloved's return or to wake from my nightmare....and has finally allowed the realization that he's not coming back to allow me to seek different answers. Hard? You bet! Especially times like today when I wanted to be that couple. Holding hands with my beloved, walking with him, sharing life....having longevity beyond our wildest dreams.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."
Ecclesiastes 3:1
So hard....was our season over?
"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
Psalms 139:16
"The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."
Psalm 121:7-8
And this is where I am today....do I believe it? Do I believe my beloved's season was over? Do I believe 60 years were written in the book beside his name? Do I believe it even when someone made a bad decision that day that cut off the furthering of our longevity? Was it her or was it God's sovereignty?
I'm so grateful that this life is a journey and not a destination. Because, just like that, in an instant, a couple holding hands, takes me back years.....a longing for what was wells up like a long lost friend and I am faced, again, with asking, "Why God, did you allow this?"
And he answers when I listen:
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26
He says, "Dianna, you ARE going to have all of those thoughts and feelings but.... I AM your strength. I AM your portion. I AM your longevity. I always have been and I always will be."
"Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me."
Psalm 31:3
"And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever."
John 2:17
I need only look as far as the book in my beach bag.... God's Word....
"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:19
I'm truly happy when I see couples who have persevered through hard times...that divorce would never have been an option, who spoke the words, "until death do us part" with conviction. I can't help my heart goes to a really sad place for it is the heart God gave me. If God gives a tender heart, though often painful, it still feels great joy when filled to overflowing with his promises.
God, you already knew that seeing this beautiful couple would be painful for me. Your word says you know every word on my tongue before I say it so you know these words, " I wanted that". It is not a surprise to you that they walked in front of me this beautiful morning. But then...your gentle whisper says, "Dianna, I'm here" and I can dry my tears and look to the one who holds my heart, counts every tear and collects them in a bottle. God, if you care so much to collect my tears I know I can endure and I can count it all joy.
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