Dreams

Dream - a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep.

I had a dream last night.....dreams aren't always good....they aren't always bad...some you remember vividly and others bits and pieces.....this dream was about as real as you could get...except it wasn't real...we were at our beach vacation, sitting at the table in the kitchen of our beautiful condo. I look up and there he was, sitting at the table across from me....He asked me "how much did this place cost?" I told him....truthfully....because money was always a worry to him but I had made a promise not to "cut any corners" or "try to sugar coat the situation" something I had struggled with for a very long time.....then he replied...not with words but his signature facial expression of surprise and like always, I explained that that is how much condo rental is and could we please just enjoy our family for a week and not worry about money......

and then....

because our discussions about finances always put me in a place I didn't want to be (because of bad choices I had made in the past) I looked up, looked at him and I'm crying, not because of the money issue....because reality hit me like a brick....

I said "Oh my God.. you are here?!?! HOW ARE YOU HERE?"

See, even in my dreams, I now know that he is gone.....but it felt so real...the conversation was so real...one we'd had SOOO many times....and even though money was a bone of contention for us I would welcome those conversations again...all of them....

*the MOSTLY good 

*the infrequent bad  

*the nearly non-existent ugly 

I've said it so many times to so many people, "we were in such a good place"....a beautiful place. A place you get from 41 years of knowing each other, working together, raising children together, sharing grandchildren, talking about retirement...what our golden years might look like....goals...LOTS of goals....and a sweet thought I had the other day while making the bed....

I am SO grateful he was here to raise our children. 

He could see them grow into the wonderful adults they are today. That he got to meet four of our five grandchildren and maybe just leave a little bit of him on their hearts. I'm grateful that my good thoughts and memories far out weight the heaviness of sadness these days. That, for me, is movement....it's progress! Thanks be to God!

Sweet Jesus, I believe you send him to me in my dreams for comfort. Comfort that I still know his every move, his every facial expression, his every response....I remember. I am so thankful for those moments though still very, very painful. I miss him Lord, but you already know that too. Help me Lord to keep looking to you when sadness threatens to overtake me. Give me the strength to be an overcomer. Amen

Turnover

Turnover - movement (as of goods or people) into and out of a place

My home has been much neglected in the last few years……not the regular “stuff” like vacuuming, dusting, bathroom cleaning, kitchen…. taking care of the mundane…. but the deeper “stuff” like closet cleaning, behind furniture cleaning, kitchen cupboard cleaning and rearranging…..the linen closet, what a disaster…..I had other things to do that were MUCH more important.

I am thankful that I took the time away from the cleaning and spent it with my family. 

The closets will be here, people, I’ve learned, can be plucked without a second’s preparation. 

Today’s job….cleaning and rearranging the kitchen and if I should find myself especially ambitious, tackling the linen closet. I’m trying really hard to make my way…but the reminders of him make it difficult to move forward. 

He is IN everything. 

I can’t look in a single direction that I do not see him or hear his voice. Don’t get me wrong those are good things….my memories are bittersweet…moving me to tears and sobs one moment and laughter the next. I’ve made progress…….in small ways and ways larger than I ever imagined I could step. I’ve pulled out pictures I simply could not bear to look at…now I gaze at them, sometimes in disbelief….still…..sometimes tears…..and sometimes with a fond longing for THAT day again…..

I’m beginning to see turnover……the last of HIS coffee……the last of HIS cereals and oatmeal……the last of HIS coffee creamer……the last of HIS grocery shopping trips……already gone HIS laundry……the last of HIS everything……furniture in different configurations because the old are just hard……

You can’t begin to imagine how hard it is to turn 41 years into mine, not ours. No, I don’t have to….I could leave it all the same, bury myself and little by little lose myself in it all completely….but I sense God calling me into a new life…..Ever so slowly he is whispering “Dianna, trust me….even when you don’t know what I’m doing.” 

I have two choices, trust God or trust myself. I’ve learned, through this experience, that I cannot trust myself for anything. So I will trust God with all my heart…my broken heart, my bleeding heart that just doesn’t understand.

No one can take the memories from me. I’m so very thankful for that…..and as I slowly “thaw”, I begin to move towards healing…….it’s going to be a long haul but in God’s mercy I feel more able today than yesterday.

Medication

Medication - A drug or other substance used to treat illness or injury.

Day 39 of this new life I've been asked to live. Day 11 of a drug that has lifted the fog and allowed me to at least think. I've begun to take some steps…..steps that last week were simply impossible. Steps that, to the ordinary person, would seem so simplistic. Like doing laundry, changing sheets, sweeping the floors, loading the dishwasher, doing a little shopping......at WALMART......EATING!! Yes, EATING!! I could barely get any food past my lips for the first four weeks. Me, a reformed gluttonist (I know, I think I made that up), not able to eat…….this journey is not one I asked for, one I'm still a tad angry about, but one I can already see God working through. 

The anger comes in God using my horrific circumstances for good. 

I'm convinced that good could have come without the love of my life having to be ripped from my existence.

 But, God in His infinite mercy, has begun to work amidst the circumstance and has surrounded me with such a great cloud of witnesses……well, I …

I just can't believe it. 

I will miss my beloved until the day I join him in God's glory but I'm going to allow myself to live in the moment, breakdown when that wave of grief hits and then live again for as long as I need to. 

My heart will never be the same, broken and mended by my maker but scarred forever. 

Thank you God for your grace and your power. 

Without it…..I can't imagine.

Laundry

Laundry: Clothes or linens that need to be washed.

Who would ever think that laundry could be painful. I mean, well, it CAN be when you have piles and piles to do, the sorting, the washing, the drying, the folding, the putting away…….can be a pain…..a pain in the butt that is!! I never really minded doing laundry….putting it away was frustrating….you know……that awful problem of having too many clothes for the drawer and closet space?

Oh God, how I wish I had THAT kind of "pain" again. 

I'd trade my pain in a heartbeat! 

Today was the day to tackle the laundry. MY laundry…..there is no "other"……..Now laundry has become part of my pain…..the pain of my heart……how I longed for a dirty pair of work jeans…….one of those 87 t-shirts…..worn bare socks with holes……how unimaginable to see only MY clothes…….

I miss him in EVERYTHING, yes, even in the dirty clothes.

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm doing the laundry at all! I'm not out of clothes yet! But I have to do something…….getting out of my head is a HUGE problem. Normal, I suspect….but a REALLY hard place to be. Since I yearn for "normal", though, I know, nothing will ever be normal again…..doing laundry seemed like a good idea. The clothes, MY clothes, are washed and folded….yet to be shoved into drawers and hung on hangers……one day, not one I can begin to imagine just yet, I will no longer have to shove clean clothes into overflowing drawers and push hangers into overstuffed closets…….I will have more than enough room……

but I'm not ready for that just yet…….

Until then, I'll just…….I'll just…….keep doing laundry.

GRIEF

Pain - an unpleasant sensation that can range from mild to localized discomfort or agony.

I keep waking up! 

For most, I'm guessing, it's a blessing.......for me it is agony at the thought of another day without him.......the mornings bring shakes and jitters with waves and waves of tears that I'm beginning to think will never end. 

When you build a life with someone for 41 years the small reminders are ENDLESS. Can you imagine trying to watch some absolutely mindless TV like the game show network and seeing a Royal Caribbean Cruise Line commercial reminding you of your most beautiful LAST vacation....or how about the razor commercial showing a man shaving? I can see him, standing in the bathroom and I know EXACTLY what it looks like to watch him shave. 

How about sitting outside and glancing at some unsightly weeds under the pool deck? He would never allow that! So I go over and pull them, all the while thinking if he was watching he would know that I was getting dirt under my fingernails, something a girly, girl like me never had to do. How about just normal conversation where someone mentions the Ohio State Fair and I remember going there with him before we were even married.......there is almost NOTHING that the two of us did not intricately entwine TOGETHER. 

My heart aches knowing that none of the big "stuff" has even come yet. This life that's been thrust upon me is so very painful. I don't know what God has planned for me......I just want the pain to go away....that's being as honest as I know how to be. 

I can only do one moment at a time and I'm so thankful that no one has suggested I do it any differently. I have the most AMAZING children and the most LOVING friends I could ever ask for or need.....God, in his goodness, has surrounded me with an army of supporters.

Desperation

Desperation - A state of despair typically one that results in rash or extreme behavior.

Trying to distract or take one's mind off of the utter hell they are living would be quite comical if it wasn't so incredibly sad. 

Typically I would be enjoying this spectacularly beautiful day opening the pool, laying mulch, perhaps planting flowers, definitely having a family dinner to celebrate Kylie's 2nd birthday. 

Instead I tried to spend some time outside, away from home but being gone from home for long sends me right into panic mode....I must return to my comfy chair with my comfy blanket and find some way to distract myself ......today it was a little bit of the food network and some precious sleep that takes me completely out of thought mode, glorious distraction at it's finest. 

Nothing is right. This is ALL wrong. 

This valley is so deep I am slowly suffocating. 

There is no air down here......I can't see God down here, I can't feel his presence.....I long to.....I want to be rescued.......I'm told I'm doing exactly what I need to do but it's sooooooo painful......I want out......but there's no way out. I must go THROUGH the fire. Please friends, continue to lift me and my children up in prayer. We need healing in the most desperate of ways.