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Good afternoon on this crazy Ohio weather day. Lots of snow and then sleet and then freezing rain and then….still waiting….just rain. That is Ohio! A cold, yucky day on the outside yet warm and cozy on the inside gave me precious time to drink warm tea and sit at the feet of Jesus. I definitely had a plan for today:

1. Quiet time with the Lord
2. Treadmill
3. Shovel driveway
4. Get cleaned up for the day
5. Grandson’s basketball game
6. Grandson’s soccer game
7. Out to lunch with my daughter’s family

ALL of that by 1:00!! Quite an ambitious plan!! As I sit here at 11:42 I’m thankful that the above list did not become a checklist of just things to be done. When it was clear that five, six and seven were not going to happen I brewed an extra cup of tea and sat back down for more of number one. Such sweet, precious time….no worries, no pressure……

I’ve been hurried of late, very busy…rushing from one task to the next as I’m sure many have experienced. When I am weary at the end of the day as opposed to joyful then I know I’ve actually been lost in my busyness. I’ve missed opportunity upon opportunity to serve the Lord with gladness and thanksgiving. It IS true, if I serve God in all that I do and all that I say no matter how exhausted I am I will rejoice in it because I have lived out my purpose!

“Serve the LORD with gladness! Come into his presence with singing!” Psalm 100:2

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh ; rather, serve one another humbly in love.” Galatians 5:13

“Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.” Romans 12:11

“Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.” 1 Peter 4:10

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.” Romans 12:9-11

In the last, nearly five years, I’ve been striving to figure out my purpose in this life. I’m no longer a wife, where I had placed my identity and where I had worked so hard at being the best I could be. What I realize now, finally, is that my identity is not in being a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a daycare provider, a sister, a daughter….while I certainly AM all of those or was……those are merely labels of roles I play in this earthly life and as I’ve learned they simply don’t last. Of those labels, I’ve relinquished three of them already….wife, daughter and daycare provider. If I live with labels and claim them to be my identity and purpose then I've bought in to this earthly life believing that this is all there is and as each labels drops off I’m actually LESS than what I used to be.

If I believe that I am a child of God and THAT is my true and LASTING identity, it IS FOREVER. NEVER to be relinquished! The bigger picture though is what it REALLY means. It really means that no matter what happens in this earthly life, nothing can take away the fact that I am and always will be God’s child. I can wear many labels in this earthly life but my identity is in Jesus. No matter my earthly circumstances my identity in Christ can NEVER be taken away. So why is this so, so important and how does it work day to day in my life?

“Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.” Colossians 3:23

“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” Matthew 6:33

Whether I’m a widow, retired or disowned….it matters not. My purpose is to serve GOD and out of that service ALL else will be fulfilled. If you are serving God FIRST you WILL be the best spouse, the best mom, the best grandmother, the best professional……whatever you do you will succeed because GOD is the power behind you not yourself. There is a lot of sadness in this world but He has overcome the world.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11

If you don’t know Jesus as your Lord and Savior this probably all sounds funny and foreign to you but it doesn’t have to. The best thing I’ve ever done is to ask Jesus to come into my heart and save me. THE best. There is nothing like serving him and watching him lay out the plans he’s had for me since the foundation of the world. Only by serving him first can I even grasp a fraction of what he HAS done and what he IS doing in my life. On this dreary day I am joyful because he IS my joy!

God, thank you for days to stay in and hear your sweet whisper. Thank you that I am yours and that it’s forever. Thank you that when life’s circumstances seem too hard to bear that you hold me up and assure me that this life is merely temporary and short compared to living eternally with you. Thank you that someday I will never shed another tear but rejoice in your presence forever. Amen.

Have a beautiful day!

Revelation

Revelation - a surprising and previously unknown fact, especially one that is made known in a dramatic way.

Life, this earthly life, often stings. It's not all a bed of roses, a glass of fine wine, peace love and rock and roll. It's just hard sometimes. Life takes turns you can't imagine......turns you don't even WANT to imagine...turns you don't even THINK to imagine. Yet, we all have hopes and dreams in this world. One dream that I wanted was such a sweet dream. The goal to  be married for a very long time. We were 35 years in and that, alone, was such a wonderful feeling. My marriage was so very precious to me. In the nearly 3 years he's been gone from my life people have said I've changed......I don't see it but that doesn't mean it's not happening.

You've heard the expression "God works in mysterious ways"? Well, THAT I do know. How very precious it is when he begins to work and change some of my deep seeded "issues" and I come out on the other side with a new understanding of who I really am. I'm not gonna lie...when I've heard people say, "I'm trying to find myself" I would laugh and respond, "Did you get lost?" Not to their face of course. Just never understood that........until now. 

The last couple of days God has really begun to work in me ---revealing why I am like I am---why I behave like I do---why I react to certain situations like I do--why I hurt when others are hurting----I'm beginning to realize that I am, at my core, who he created me to be. To the core of who I am, to the depths of my soul I care about people. I am easily and deeply saddened by other's tragedies and hardships. My heart is soft. I can beat myself up and tell myself I am ridiculously over sensitive or a cry baby. I can tell myself, "Dianna, it didn't happen to you! Get over yourself!!" But then....this is my new revelation! I did NOT create my heart. I cannot tell it what to feel and what not to feel. I simply cannot be someone I've never been. I am ME!! I am a highly sensitive person, who yes, cries a LOT! I have to start realizing and accepting that this IS who I am!! God created me exactly this way! I have tried, unsuccessfully, to change myself, dial down my emotions, stuff my feelings, cry less, react less....I simply CANNOT do it! And in the midst of the striving God reveals these things to me. Why now? I do not know. I've said so many times, "sorry, I cry about everything!" SO WHAT??!! Yes, it's embarrassing sometimes! SO WHAT??!! If God is perfect (and I believe that he is) than I am NO mistake. My personality is no mistake. My emotions are no mistake. And I am NO surprise to God. So he gave me an extra dose of compassion, he created me to lead with my heart, he made me with great emotion, he created me to see the good FIRST and admittedly so, a not so great ability to decifer the the not so good. The reverse of that simply cannot be for it is NOT how I'm made! 

Can I begin to embrace who I am? At 60 do I continue to try to create a new me (because I've convinced myself it isn't who God wants me to be) or can I embrace ME and give God the glory for who I am? Do I continue to strive to change ME though I've been incredibly unsuccessful or do I truly let go and let God do HIS work in and through me?

What does it look like to see myself as God sees me? How hard will it be to love myself as much as God loves me? How hard will it be to accept the tears, hurt, pain, anxiety, worry and fears that come and will continue to come? How hard will it be to continue to move forward with emotions that won't paralyze me but instead to ACT in the midst of them? Many questions yet to explore but I am confident that God goes before me, he knows my path!

"You broaden the path before me so that my ankles do not turn." 2 Samuel 22:37

See! When the road narrows and I feel I have no place to go, God WILL step in and broaden the path that I will NOT fall. I need nothing else!

What this revelation doesn't mean is that I'm without fault. So NOT true. Just that I'm to hold fast to who he created me to be and by that truth he will continue to mold me into his likeness. I will fall many times but NOT by my unbelief in who he created me to be. My journey is far from over in this life but it's moving forward. 

God, thank you for your great revelation! What freedom I have when I stop trying to change who I am. Who you created!! I have literally tried for years to change my emotional personality. Sometimes I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Feeling deeply, hurting for others, being highly emotional is often a burden to carry. Your word tells us to carry each other's burdens but I'm now seeing that in a new light with new understanding. Thank you Jesus that you carry my burdens and so should I carry others. Thank you for being a perfect example that I can follow. Thank you for teaching me more about who I am IN you. Thank you that you gave me the power and strength to hear you. Amen

It's Not Easy Being A Bunny

Have you ever read the book It’s Not Easy Being A Bunny? It follows the life of PJ Funnybunny. He’s a disgruntled bunny….his ears are too long, he doesn’t look like the other bunnies. He has way too many brothers and sisters and doesn’t get enough attention. He sets out to find a new family. He tries living like a bird, a bear, a pig, a beaver, a possum and a skunk. But he couldn’t fly, couldn’t hibernate, hated being dirty, hanging upside down gave him a headache and the smell….oh the smell. So back to his family he went with a new appreciation for them. 

So maybe I’ll write a book called It’s Not Easy Being A Christian. The world looks SO much better, right? We go out and seek what we think will bring us happiness. A great job, a nice house, tons of clothes (or purses…or shoes….or paper paper paper) or whatever is your choice of excess. It seems great…..in the moment….but then it fades….like ALL earthly things fade. What about this? We volunteer, we work ourselves to a frazzle thinking we’ll be better liked, have tons of friends, lots of followers until we realize it doesn’t give us the lasting “high” our expectations placed on it. I can’t help but think about Solomon who had EVERYTHING and more, and said “it is ALL meaningless”….because “stuff” in this life, people in this life CANNOT supply lasting happiness. Your company downsizes, marriages fail, children become wayward, our jobs stink, innocent children die, poverty is rampant, crime is off the charts. 

There is suffering beyond understanding. There is no end. As a Christian, as a sinner, as a human, I seek the world and what it offers.

It’s not easy being a Christian.

The false perception is that if you’re a Christian your life will be fluff and goodness. Jesus says, I have overcome the world!! He also says, WHEN you have trouble…not IF.

It’s not easy being a Christian. 

Being a Christian did not give me a pass on being a victim of a very sad, tragic completely avoidable “accident”. Bad things happen to good people every day. If I hook my happiness to this world, I will have the ebb and flow of happiness…sorrow….happiness….sorrow….and on it goes. 

It’s not easy being a Christian. 

I still make wrongs choices, say the wrong things……indulge in earthly pleasures……I find myself seeking momentary happiness in material possessions. 

It’s not easy being a Christian. 

Being a Christian does not make me a perfect person. What it does is change my heart. I begin to desire to be more like Jesus. To love unconditionally, to defend the poor, support the weak. To do good works, not to work myself to heaven, but out of thanksgiving for what Jesus did on the cross for me. 

It’s not easy being a Christian.

 But at the end of the day when the world looks bleak and my happiness is subject to my own striving I KNOW that this world is not all there is. It’s not easy being a Christian but it is my absolute guarantee for true and lasting joy. Joy IN Christ!

It’s not easy being a Christian.

 I’m called to live IN the world but not OF the world. I’m asked not to indulge the flesh. I’m commanded to live modestly. I’m commanded to be humble. I’m commanded to lay down my life for another. I’m commanded to love others as I love myself. Not easy and I fail often! But I have a Savior that loves me enough to forgive me. Once I invite him into my heart his word says “no one can snatch you from my hand”. He will never leave me nor forsake me. A promise FOREVER. If you are not a Christ follower this world is all there is. If you are a Christ follower you know that this life is but a whisper and that eternal life lies ahead. I read a quote that goes likes this:

“I’d rather spend my whole life on earth believing and following God to die and find out there is no God than to live a whole life believing there is no God and die to find out there is”.

We don’t get a do over but we do have a choice NOW. Is this world and all it’s troubles worth believing that this is all there is?

Happiness

Happiness - a state of well-being and contentment

Saturday, July 2, 2016
7:41 AM

I could add my own definition for happiness….it would go something like this:

Happiness - grasping at absolutely ANYTHING that will give one a SENSE of momentary cessation of deep, deep sadness.

I have spent 417 days trying to grasp on to anything that will give me even 5 minutes of a spark that remotely feels like happy! I think that is the grievers reality….I'm finding, more and more, that I fit into the perfect mold of a grieving soul. That is no consolation really……although to be validated when I can't remember things or I thought I knew something or when something totally knocks me off balance when it's something I would have previously slid right through, at least makes me feel like I'm not going crazy…..no, there is no consolation knowing that there are others suffering just like I am….that I'm not alone in my sadness…that other women are joining this group, this club called "widowhood". Even in the early days when I couldn't see a way out….a way of survival…..reading a book about someone that was one year out, or going to a support group where people were laughing….What??? How could that EVER be possible? If I had a choice, it would be my prayer that the widow's club be closed and the doors shuttered FOREVER. I would not ever desire that another woman would have to take this journey.

So, I've spent the last year indulging myself with momentary happiness. I book my schedule so tightly sometimes that I don't sit down until it's time for bed. I have turned my house upside down and inside out trying to replace EVERY little thing so that I don't have to question "was this before or after". 

I have spent money like it's water on the most insignificant things…you name it, I've bought it. Just recently I bought a bag full of art supplies, came home sat the bag on the table and the next day realized I had never even opened it up….actually forgetting about it…..ME forgetting art supplies? That's when it hit me….art supplies, any kind of paper, stationary etc. doesn't give me momentary happiness anymore…..I have cycled through a LOT of other situations just like this only different "things". 

A couple of days ago I went to the store……chips made their way into my shopping cart…so did Cheetos….so did trail mix…..these items only graced the shopping cart with their presence when HE did the shopping for him and the daycare….for me to have them in MY cart was ludicrous!! I had adopted THE healthiest lifestyle in the 18 months prior to "that" day….what was I doing. I got up the next morning, saw all of that sitting on the counter and thought "Who am I? Why did I buy that stuff?" I realized that, at that moment, even food (and I love to eat) doesn't do "it" for me anymore.

Even time, the elusive time, that always seemed so precious to me…..that I have ALL that I can possibly need…..means something totally different. I would crave the times when he would say "I'm going to head to the lake so you can have some time alone"…oh I'd grab my Bible, my journals, my pens, a hot cup of tea, comfy clothes and head to my favorite spot (my beautiful screened porch) and I would breath in God's Word and allow it to penetrate and renew me……today, I've been awake for three hours already….I have had two cups of tea, an English Muffin, washed two loads of clothes, fed the dogs…..have sat in my chair, Facebooked ad nauseam (referring to something that has been done or repeated so often that it has become annoying or tiresome) and I have not opened God's Word, not once……while that grieves me because I KNOW that happiness is temporary and that God's Word brings true, everlasting JOY….I just can't "get there".

I am distracted by small things…but small things are VERY big in the daily moving of someone who has experienced horrific tragedy. For example, I've been invited to four graduation parties and two weddings within a six week period of time this summer. Invitations addressed to just me…..Honestly, though I love, love, love those who are graduating and those who are getting married…I have to go alone….so the invitations sit as I ponder whether I can handle going and seeing those I may not have seen since the funeral…….there will be no dancing with my man…what if the DJ plays "Lady in Red"? Whose ear will I sing in to? Whose cheek will I brush with mine? Whose face will I smile at? Whose eyes will look back at me in adoration? But then I realize that any "firsts" and probably the 31sts are going to be hard. So whether it's the first time or the 20th, at some point, I need to get over the hump! So just this morning I responded yes to the two weddings and today I'm going to my second graduation party. Life can either move on around me or I can move with it. I NEED to move!! I have SO much to live for….I just wanted to do it WITH him…not without him.

As I sit here and tears roll down my cheeks I still can't believe I'm surviving…..God HAS sustained me. He has provided for ALL of my needs from financial to physical touch….EVERYTHING! It is the only way I am still standing. I am thankful. Were I not called to another purpose, I would not still be here. God isn't going to leave me alone and without purpose. Until he shows me what that purpose is, he is providing me a way through the everyday….the moment by moment. And when reality grips me like a vice and the tears flow….well, I let them. Then I pick myself up by the bootstraps and move forward…..

Jesus, life can be so hard and so cruel…..perspective, my perspective, is often skewed and unrealistic. Help me to want what YOU want for me NOT what I want. Give me the strength, courage and power to move forward without him. Help me to realize and see YOUR purpose for my life here on earth and help me to be obedient to your call. Amen.

Dreams

Dream - a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep.

I had a dream last night.....dreams aren't always good....they aren't always bad...some you remember vividly and others bits and pieces.....this dream was about as real as you could get...except it wasn't real...we were at our beach vacation, sitting at the table in the kitchen of our beautiful condo. I look up and there he was, sitting at the table across from me....He asked me "how much did this place cost?" I told him....truthfully....because money was always a worry to him but I had made a promise not to "cut any corners" or "try to sugar coat the situation" something I had struggled with for a very long time.....then he replied...not with words but his signature facial expression of surprise and like always, I explained that that is how much condo rental is and could we please just enjoy our family for a week and not worry about money......

and then....

because our discussions about finances always put me in a place I didn't want to be (because of bad choices I had made in the past) I looked up, looked at him and I'm crying, not because of the money issue....because reality hit me like a brick....

I said "Oh my God.. you are here?!?! HOW ARE YOU HERE?"

See, even in my dreams, I now know that he is gone.....but it felt so real...the conversation was so real...one we'd had SOOO many times....and even though money was a bone of contention for us I would welcome those conversations again...all of them....

*the MOSTLY good 

*the infrequent bad  

*the nearly non-existent ugly 

I've said it so many times to so many people, "we were in such a good place"....a beautiful place. A place you get from 41 years of knowing each other, working together, raising children together, sharing grandchildren, talking about retirement...what our golden years might look like....goals...LOTS of goals....and a sweet thought I had the other day while making the bed....

I am SO grateful he was here to raise our children. 

He could see them grow into the wonderful adults they are today. That he got to meet four of our five grandchildren and maybe just leave a little bit of him on their hearts. I'm grateful that my good thoughts and memories far out weight the heaviness of sadness these days. That, for me, is movement....it's progress! Thanks be to God!

Sweet Jesus, I believe you send him to me in my dreams for comfort. Comfort that I still know his every move, his every facial expression, his every response....I remember. I am so thankful for those moments though still very, very painful. I miss him Lord, but you already know that too. Help me Lord to keep looking to you when sadness threatens to overtake me. Give me the strength to be an overcomer. Amen

Turnover

Turnover - movement (as of goods or people) into and out of a place

My home has been much neglected in the last few years……not the regular “stuff” like vacuuming, dusting, bathroom cleaning, kitchen…. taking care of the mundane…. but the deeper “stuff” like closet cleaning, behind furniture cleaning, kitchen cupboard cleaning and rearranging…..the linen closet, what a disaster…..I had other things to do that were MUCH more important.

I am thankful that I took the time away from the cleaning and spent it with my family. 

The closets will be here, people, I’ve learned, can be plucked without a second’s preparation. 

Today’s job….cleaning and rearranging the kitchen and if I should find myself especially ambitious, tackling the linen closet. I’m trying really hard to make my way…but the reminders of him make it difficult to move forward. 

He is IN everything. 

I can’t look in a single direction that I do not see him or hear his voice. Don’t get me wrong those are good things….my memories are bittersweet…moving me to tears and sobs one moment and laughter the next. I’ve made progress…….in small ways and ways larger than I ever imagined I could step. I’ve pulled out pictures I simply could not bear to look at…now I gaze at them, sometimes in disbelief….still…..sometimes tears…..and sometimes with a fond longing for THAT day again…..

I’m beginning to see turnover……the last of HIS coffee……the last of HIS cereals and oatmeal……the last of HIS coffee creamer……the last of HIS grocery shopping trips……already gone HIS laundry……the last of HIS everything……furniture in different configurations because the old are just hard……

You can’t begin to imagine how hard it is to turn 41 years into mine, not ours. No, I don’t have to….I could leave it all the same, bury myself and little by little lose myself in it all completely….but I sense God calling me into a new life…..Ever so slowly he is whispering “Dianna, trust me….even when you don’t know what I’m doing.” 

I have two choices, trust God or trust myself. I’ve learned, through this experience, that I cannot trust myself for anything. So I will trust God with all my heart…my broken heart, my bleeding heart that just doesn’t understand.

No one can take the memories from me. I’m so very thankful for that…..and as I slowly “thaw”, I begin to move towards healing…….it’s going to be a long haul but in God’s mercy I feel more able today than yesterday.

Medication

Medication - A drug or other substance used to treat illness or injury.

Day 39 of this new life I've been asked to live. Day 11 of a drug that has lifted the fog and allowed me to at least think. I've begun to take some steps…..steps that last week were simply impossible. Steps that, to the ordinary person, would seem so simplistic. Like doing laundry, changing sheets, sweeping the floors, loading the dishwasher, doing a little shopping......at WALMART......EATING!! Yes, EATING!! I could barely get any food past my lips for the first four weeks. Me, a reformed gluttonist (I know, I think I made that up), not able to eat…….this journey is not one I asked for, one I'm still a tad angry about, but one I can already see God working through. 

The anger comes in God using my horrific circumstances for good. 

I'm convinced that good could have come without the love of my life having to be ripped from my existence.

 But, God in His infinite mercy, has begun to work amidst the circumstance and has surrounded me with such a great cloud of witnesses……well, I …

I just can't believe it. 

I will miss my beloved until the day I join him in God's glory but I'm going to allow myself to live in the moment, breakdown when that wave of grief hits and then live again for as long as I need to. 

My heart will never be the same, broken and mended by my maker but scarred forever. 

Thank you God for your grace and your power. 

Without it…..I can't imagine.