Moment by Moment

 

May 11, 2015

7 years
84 months
364 weeks
2,548 days
61,152 hours
3,669,120 minutes

May 11, 2022

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."
Psalms 90:12

As I began to try to put today into words I thought, "What if I look at the seven years since "that" day instead of "that" day?" "That" day does and always will bring an immense amount of pain to the forefront. Every little detail is like slow motion running through my head...this last week has been like groundhog day on steroids.

But God.....

Can I rejoice knowing I will see him again? Can I be grateful our children and grandchildren are thriving? Can I be thankful that even in great loss God has sustained me mentally, physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually? Can I stand firm in the outrageous provision that I survived at all? Can I call myself blessed by my family, friends and church community? Can I say with great certainty that God works for the good of those who love him? Can I know, in my heart, that if I wake up tomorrow his mercies ARE new?

When I look at the increments in time broken down it gives me a really good picture of what walking out this life looks like. Sometimes I say this time next year when planning vacation or waiting for a big event. Or maybe talk about a wedding I'm planning to attend in six months. Or maybe it's an appointment I have next week. Or I'm watching my grandchild tomorrow. But most of the time I'm living in the moment to moment.....which means I've had 3,669,120 moment by moment opportunities in the last seven years. When you've experienced trauma you can't think beyond the present. I remember each minute being excruciating. I remember after nearly a year the first day I didn't cry for an entire 24 hours. As I write I cannot believe that I have survived over three and half million moments.

Praise God!

Every year since that day, I pray for a verse. Each year God has been gracious to provide a verse that teaches me something about him and/or myself. Sometimes it's painful but I'm grateful for the growth. This verse for 2022 is exactly what I need. I need to focus on that which is true and right and lovely. I need to use what I've learned and put it into practice.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."
Philippians 4:8‭-‬9

Can I get up tomorrow and begin year eight with new focus and fresh insight? I don't know.....I want to but I simply cannot do it in my own strength. It's too hard. But praise be to God I don't have to.

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:13

These days, the memories and the loss are still painful and they always will be....I am not fooled.....I will miss my beloved all of the days God gives me on this earth without him. But I only have to live in them one moment at a time and God's peace will rest on me. For today, that is enough.