When you lose someone....

 

Psalm 139

"Now there were some Greeks among those who went up to worship at the festival. They came to Philip, who was from Bethsaida in Galilee, with a request. “Sir,” they said, “we would like to see Jesus.”
John 12:20‭-‬21

There was a simple curiosity as to who this man Jesus was.

Curiosity is defined as a strong desire to know or learn something.

In the last four days I have said "I'm just curious" to multiple doctors and nurses as I've asked many, many questions about my mom's options......or lack thereof. I've realized, about myself, that I've always been a curious person. I've always had a strong desire to learn new things whether changing oil in my car or how to replace a dryer belt. Many personality tests I've taken have described me as a "learner".

I read a commentary this morning that describes the Greeks in this passage as curious when it came to figuring out who this man Jesus was.

Somehow, I'm not exactly sure how, but I felt a bit of relief in seeing my walk with the Lord, not being the obsessive need to constantly witness, but instead, just laying out a path of curiosity simply by being me! Does that make sense?

I can be so focused on my mom coming to the Lord that I forget to simply show her the peace that passes all understanding. The rest that tramples fear. The promise that we are never alone. The security that we are just passing through this life into the FOREVER.

I could frantically pound her with scripture with the reasoning that I don't want her to live eternity separated from me....I could even try to scare her...make her feel guilty... actually I could use the fact that my dad accepted Christ on his deathbed......but, if I believe God's Word I actually don't have to do any of this.

In my "normal" everyday conversation, effortlessly, I can create curiosity for her to WANT to explore. And this morning, as another day of uncertainty dawns, another day has also been given. Can I create a genuine curiosity about Jesus? Though it's just another way of seed planting somehow it seems more child like, more appealing, more like something a person might not realize is even happening.

My mom has elected not to have surgery. In her mind, things will get better. These decisions have to be hers and hers alone. She understands, at least for now, the ramifications of her decision. I support her choices fully understanding the heartache that eventually will come. But my eyes are focused on the Lord! There is nothing happening that he has not already set in motion.

I've read and reread Psalm 139. I didn't know why God put it on my heart to study it with my small group this summer but now I do.

•O Lord, you know me
•You perceive my thoughts
•You are familiar with all my ways
•You hem (protect) me in
•Where can I flee from your presence?
•For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
•Your eyes saw my unformed body...

ALL THE DAYS ORDAINED FOR ME WERE WRITTEN IN YOUR BOOK BEFORE ONE OF THEM CAME TO BE.

I will continue to pray for my mom's salvation and bravely take hold and respond to the opportunities he gives me to create that curiosity in her. All the while KNOWING that God already knows the result. For me, what a gift!! I'm not responsible for the outcome. That is a gracious and loving God!

This morning, I'm thankful. I have peace in the midst of really hard stuff because I am resting in my Sustainer....the lover of my soul.

Perspective

Perspective - a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.

God showed me something this morning that, going forward, I really need to KNOW and have the ability to SEE in the coming weeks and months. I'm so very grateful that he leads in his sovereignty and thankful beyond words that I actually heard him in the midst of a LOT of noise.

I was reading about Moses in the wilderness with 2.5 million people. They had long lost their gratefulness from being delivered from slavery. They were tired, hungry and thirsty. I can relate. When I'm uncomfortable, I complain. Even when, just like the Israelites, I've seen God do miraculous things. In studying Exodus this past year I've always marveled at Moses' patience. When the people complained Moses could have gotten right in with them. I'm sure, he too, was hungry and thirsty. Instead, time and time again he took their groaning to the Lord and God provided. There is so much to learn from Moses about what it looks like to be a leader in the kingdom. But even Moses, as we see in Numbers 20:10-11, cannot sustain perfection.

"So Moses took the staff from the Lord’s presence, just as he commanded him. He and Aaron gathered the assembly together in front of the rock and Moses said to them, “Listen, you rebels, must we bring you water out of this rock?” Then Moses raised his arm and struck the rock twice with his staff. Water gushed out, and the community and their livestock drank."

"Listen you rebels".....I could, in my humanness, defend Moses......the people were suffering.... Moses, I'm guessing, was pretty exhausted, tired and overwhelmed...it is the proverbial perfect storm. Can I remain faithful and obedient when under extreme pressure? Can I, when faced with gut-wrenching, life changing decisions, keep my emotions and feelings at bay? To this point Moses had maintained the proper perspective, the proper attitude. He did not allow the people to divert his attention from the true leader, his sovereign God. He didn't allow the people's skewed perspectives to shake his trust that God would provide.

And that brings me to my circumstances with my mom. From the age of about five to this day she's had a crappy life. So when she said, "I never thought my life would end like this" I thought, with great compassion, I get it. But I didn't say it! Thank you Jesus! I said, "But mom, your life is not over! Psalm 139 says all your days were written before one of them came to be. Your book has not been closed. You're still here. You still have purpose! God's not done!" She stared into space....so sad....I thanked God later for that opportunity. I thought then, I had nothing else to offer her and certainly nothing that could give her hope like Jesus.

If I get drawn into her perspective, her despair, her self-pity (please hear me, I understand why she feels as she does and I have great compassion) I will have taken my eyes off the very thing, the One, she needs to know. Her hope, her ever present help in trouble. I have to be very careful of my ultimate mission....the salvation of her soul. The guarantee of eternal life. The promise that this world isn't all there is AND that I WILL see her again.

Moses lost his temper, got fed up with their grumbling and complaining and that led to disobedience. He was not allowed to enter the promised land. Absolutely heartbreaking after all he had been called to do and the miraculous things the Lord worked through him. I cannot have my perspective tainted by emotions and out of control feelings and my mom's grumbling and complaining about life's unfairness....because, honestly, she's my mom and I hate that she's suffering...and I could go there very easily.

I'm so thankful that I'm never alone. God has sent people to counsel me, to love me, to walk with me and ultimately, his Son, my Jesus who promises to never leave me nor forsake me. I have all that I need. I pray that God gets all the glory.

Consider it joy....

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

James 1:2‭-‬6

Friday my mom was rushed to the hospital. Amputation of her leg seems the only option as there is no blood flow to her foot. She has a very long history with a clotting discorder.

Of course this is devastating news....

But God...

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
2 Corinthians 4:8‭-‬9

A couple of weeks ago I decided to enroll in an online school and begin to really study the word of God. I chose the book of James for my first class....now I know why....and not only why but what God is trying to show me with this current trial.

"Consider it pure joy..."????

Pure joy? Are you kidding me? Joy? No!!! Not joy IN the trial. Not joy ABOUT the trial. But joy WHEN I've successfully ENDURED the trial. In other words, when the trial is over, no matter how it's resolved, I will have joy that I persevered through it. That's really different, isn't it? Barring a miracle, my mom will lose her leg mid-thigh. There is no joy in that. And the weeks, months and years to follow will likely be very difficult.

But there is a bigger tragedy here....and this is the WHAT God has revealed to me.....my mom does not know the Lord. Not that I'm unaware of that but the realization that that is a far greater tragedy than her health issues. I have prayed for him to open up opportunities for me to witness to her and, of course, God has been faithful.....and I've been obedient.... so far...... to proclaim him loud and clear. Each time I've had the door shut.... hard....makes it a bit more difficult for me to be obedient to the very thing for which I prayed. I do not have much joy right now. I'm IN the trial and I see no good ending as far as resolution of this horrific circumstance. But....EVEN IF she loses her leg yet GAINS Christ...now THAT is joy even in the midst of the circumstance. And that is VICTORY! The angels in heaven will be rejoicing that another has secured eternal life!! And in THAT there is GREAT joy.

And for me, when I shift my focus from what's so close to my face...when I dial the lens back a bit I can begin to see the importance of the trial.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."
2 Peter 3:9

Not wanting ANYONE to perish without him.

I guess today, the Lord's day, I find myself exactly where I should be. In the midst of awful circumstances with the only favorable outcome being that God, working through me, would draw her to himself.

Would you please pray for my mom...that she would come to know the Lord. And for me that I would, again and again, be strong and courageous to use the opportunities that God provides to be a light in the darkness.

Plant the seed

"He who was seated on the throne said, “I AM MAKING EVERYTHING NEW!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
Revelation 21:5

How does one overcome grief and deep sorrow? Do you ever or does life just transform into a new existence?

I ran across this picture of my precious grandson this morning in my Facebook memories....as I did a post I had written ten days after my husband's death. Exactly one year apart. I looked at Peyton's sweet face and smiled and when I read my post and remembered my extreme grief, I cried. At the same time I felt joy and great sadness. My beloved, his Papa, would never know the baby God sent to mend our broken hearts in the middle of great loss.

My beautiful Peyton was born seven days after the first anniversary of my beloved's death. Grief and joy combined, drove the highs and lows of that first year as I watched my daughter's belly expand with new life. On that first anniversary our family gathered to remember the man we all missed so very much but we also rejoiced that in one week we would experience new birth and our family would grow by one to the former number we once were. Restoration. Though one never replaces another there is a supernatural, hard to explain "feeling" that, in a way, makes one feel a bit whole again.

GOD has that kind of power.

God has power beyond what we can comprehend. He can do immeasurably (no ability to measure) more than we can ask or imagine....and I experienced that power that year and in the years since. There was great joy in the midst of deep, deep sorrow. Only with God could they co-exist.

“Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?” “Who has ever given to God, that God should repay them?” For FROM him and THROUGH him and FOR him are ALL things. To him be the glory forever! Amen."
Romans 11:34‭-‬36

Through him are ALL things. He desires to give us good things (Matthew 7)...but not in the way our humaness describes "good things".

Did you catch the other parts of that verse? FROM him, THROUGH him and FOR him... ALL glory TO him.

If you don't know Jesus.....it's likely you've heard about him. If you do not KNOW him it likely seems inconceivable that someone could believe or feel the very hand of God working in their lives. I can testify to it in the hope that others desire to experience it but I cannot box it up and sell it or even give it away. You have to experience it...you have to experience him. You have to KNOW him deeply and personally. Somehow God, in his sovereignty, works in and through us to GIVE us HIS desires for our hearts that align with his will for our life. It's true! The things I used to desire have lost their luster. They don't look as shiny as they used to. I don't have strong feelings about them. And sometimes the circumstances God allows in our lives helps us to realize that the things we hold so tightly don't have as much importance to which they've been given. When tragedy strikes and it will for most, I realize how little all the stuff means. And how, in the midst of that really hard stuff I begin to really WANT what HE wants for me.....I can't answer. But I can draw from the wisdom of scripture..... "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."(Psalms 37:4) HE WILL GIVE...not what I orchestrate on my own. And that happens and is the overflow of my delight in him.Though I desire to use many words (and I often do 🙄) to convince someone, I am simply a seed planter....I'm actually thankful that I am not the growth giver.

"I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow."
1 Corinthians 3:6‭-‬7

So thankful to not be responsible for the growth because being a planter is a huge responsibility in and of itself.

When I read the Word of God my heart actually jumps in my chest.
It's palpable!! So I say, when there is joy, read the Bible. When there is deep sorrow, read the Bible. When life is going along, read the Bible. When life seems unfair, read the Bible. When life is really, really good, read the Bible. Simply put, it IS the bread of LIFE.

Memories will hurt and memories will bring joy....

But alas, he is making everything new. This world isn't all there is if you know Jesus Christ as your Savior!

I love this beautiful passage of great promise, immense comfort and lasting assurance:

For, “All people are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord endures forever.”
1 Peter 1:24‭-‬25

If you know OF Jesus but you don't KNOW him....it IS the most important decision you can ever make. Eternal life, life beyond this broken, sad world is real! There's more than this! You don't have to live to die. No! You can live to LIVE!! FOREVER!!

The seed has been planted! May God give the growth. ❤️

Faith under pressure....

"If you falter in a time of trouble, how small is your strength!"

Proverbs 24:10

In other words, (my personal translation)"If you collapse under pressure, where is your strength?"

Don't ever let it be said that God can't show you something in the very, very mundane of life. If you're waiting for the big stuff, like I have been or that big splash that hasn't happened you might ask yourself, as I have a jillion times, "God what is it??? What are you trying to show me? Teach me?" I maintain and believe very strongly that God
wastes nothing. He doesn't waste a hurt or a joy. He doesn't waste tragedy or triumph. He doesn't waste progress or defeat. God is intentional.....He's purposeful, deliberate, conscious....The only way I can't find Him in everything is if I'm not mindful of his presence. When I set out on an errand or I'm at home doing a task I can tell you, when I ask God to join me (though he's already there) what a difference.

As I was power washing my patio....which has not been cleaned in six years, I could not believe the amount of pressure it took to remove the dirt and mold. Some spots were easily cleaned, some needed a bit of persistence and some required me to get as close as I could to apply the maximum amount of pressure because the dirt and grime was pressed tightly into the cracks and had been there for a long time. That grime and dirt is a strong barrier to a clean surface. I thought to myself:

I.AM.THAT.PATIO 😳

#1. Some things I cling to are nothing but passing fancies. If I have to pass up the purchase of something I really like or go somewhere I really want to go or miss out on a friend gathering, while disappointing I can usually reason maybe next time.

#2. Then things begin to get a bit uncomfortable.....see God doesn't want a part of my heart. He wants it ALL. All is everything. He wants my time. My attention. My affection. My loyalty. He wants me to rid myself of everything.....hear it again....EVERYTHING ......that turns my heart from him. For he is a jealous God. He is jealous for anything that diverts my heart from him first. And can I say here...there are a lot of really good, worthwhile, well meaning things and circumstances and just like that tough dirt and grime, it takes pressure to extract that which shifts my focus.

#3. Now let's turn up the pressure....There are the things I clinch so tightly that maximum pressure is required to open my hands. If you have had your hands pried open, it is devastating.....it is gut-wrenching. It's so painful you literally want to die. Please hear me....you will never be prepared to have something or someone ripped from your existence. But, for me, there is a difference between being completely blindsided and knowing you are not exempt. I never thought it would happen to me because I simply could not survive it therefore it would not happen.....Naive? Nah, just ignorant. 🤦‍♀️ I realize now, I sold God so short.

Lastly, the patio is clean. Cleaner than it's been in the last 6 years. But make no mistake, without careful attention it WILL get dirty again. And like that patio, I too, will place "stuff" in my heart again and again in front of Jesus and I will be dirty....and in need of cleaning. It's a day to day often moment by moment, intentional "cleaning" that keeps out that which distracts my heart from its first love.

"One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with ALL your heart and with ALL your soul and with ALL your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment."
Matthew 22:35‭-‬38

Above ALL else!

And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
Matthew 22:39‭-‬40

Interesting isn't it? My desires, wants, perceived needs....actually come AFTER I am "supposed" to have given ALL of my heart to the Lord and my love to others.

It certainly is not easy! It's a constant giving over of self. It's a continual act of picking up my cross. It's actually really hard and often painful. It's a continual honing into the likeness of Christ. But if you know Jesus you wouldnt want to be the likeness of anyone else. When I look to the Word of God and fill myself to overflowing with who he is, what he did for me and the promises given to me, it's all worth it......even enduring the really awful stuff of this world. HE is the power in my weakness. HE has set me on a firm foundation. HE has pulled me from the muck and mire. HE is the light in the valley. When the world changes daily he does not. He is the same today, tomorrow and forever. Why would I want my heart elsewhere?

I can't "fix" this life...

"Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away."
(Matthew 24:35) (Luke 21:33)

My heart is heavy this morning. I opened my social media page and immediately saw several posts that were sobering. One was somewhat cryptic....I wasn't sure exactly what was being referenced and another was clear but, I felt.....well a lot of things.... I'm not disputing what was said in either of those two particular posts nor the others...these ARE scary times.....I just choose a different route and believe me I've had my critics. But like all of us, we choose that with which we fill ourselves.

I immediately thought of this verse:

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:18

"Paul is describing the reason for his refusal to lose heart in the face of suffering for his faith in Christ."

One commentary said, "Trusting Jesus is far wiser than trusting anything in the world.'

My "preparation " in THIS life is for THAT life. I can't "fix" the troubles of this world. I'd love to bring down gas prices. I'd love to end unrest and the horrific suffering of innocent people. If I could fix the slaughtering of the unborn I'd do it in a heartbeat!

So what do I do? I have to trust that God IS in control even when everything seems out of control. Does that mean I bury my head in the sand? No! It means I bury my head in God's Word!! Does it mean that I'm naive? No! It means I take my heart and soul before God and intercede on behalf of those who need more than I can provide? Does it mean I'm uninformed? No!

It means I stop filling myself endlessly with bad news and deeply sad stories that affect me in ways that paralyze me. Why? Because all of that sadness literally makes me ineffective for the kingdom, period. I become stagnant and unable to minister in the circle of influence God has provided for me. How can I tell my grandchildren how much God loves and cares for them if I'm so focused on filling myself with the world that God has become an afterthought or at best second? You may say it doesn't have to be either/or that it can be both/and.....I may like to debate that.....but I know, for me personally, I cannot entertain the outrageousness of this world and rest in God at the same time.

Please hear me I'm NOT saying those who do are wrong. I believe God prompts and softens the hearts of those who feel convicted to become missionaries or to protest or lobby...... I'm saying God has not called me there. Therefore, I desire clear vision of where he has called. God HAS called me to a mission field in small-town Ohio. To be the example to my family, my grandchildren, to my neighbors, to my church.....my community.

My daughter and her family lost a beloved pet this week. My six year old grandson said, "Mommy, do you think Pippi is running the streets of gold?" To which she answered, "Yes. I'm sure she is." Then he said, "You know the blind man that Jesus rubbed mud on his eyes and he could see again? Do you think Jesus rubbed mud on Pippi's eyes so she could see again?" I sobbed.....😭.....How precious is our mission field right in our own homes!!???

I have enough "feels" and emotions for at least ten people. What I fill myself with WILL drive my day to day activities.....and most of the time will keep me from God's calling on my life.

"And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
Hebrews 12:1‭-‬2

It doesn't mean I shelter. It doesn't mean I'm totally in the dark and uninformed. It doesn't mean that when I have the opportunity to vote I'm not well informed and vote the way I believe God directs. How do I know God's directives? By saturating my mind, body and soul with HIM!

When my beloved was so tragically killed I could have chosen to fight for a longer sentence. I could have chosen to not forgive. I could have been justifiably (in my eyes) bitter and angry. I could have retreated into myself and turned from God altogether. I had choices....

But oh how choices can be altered or completely changed when you look beyond this incredibly difficult world where incredibly difficult things happen and ask yourself, "What would Jesus have me do?" Am I perfect? Oh heavens no!! Will I ever be in this life? Absolutely not! Can I choose to fix my eyes on the One who is perfecting me day by day? Yes! Even when it's hard? Yes! Even when it seems impossible? Yes! Even when I don't want to? Yes! Even when I think I have a better plan? Yes! Even when I desire to but fail miserably? Yes! Even when the world is SO loud? Yes! Even when....

FOREVER? Yes!!

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them."
1 John 4:16

I keep thinking about my part, my worth IN and TO the kingdom. For almost a year now it's been invading my thoughts nearly daily. I want, or I think I do, to make an outrageous splash for God's kingdom. A canon ball in the pool of life. What I'm learning is that I may just be tossing a tiny pebble across a small puddle that merely makes a small ripple. See it's not about MY vision it's about God's vision FOR me. He knew what I was going to do before I was born. All my days were counted and written before I was born. That splash or ripple was recorded before I was born.

I have to believe, sitting here, in my pajamas, in Tiny Town, USA, writing this post is exactly what was planned for me before even one of my days came to be. There's so much comfort in knowing I don't need to fret about my kingdom worthiness. Praising God this morning for his incredible provision. Waking up each morning can go two ways:

1. What am I going to do today?
2. God, what would YOU have for me today?

I always desire to ask the second question but do I always slide out of bed with no agenda? Of course not. But I'm working on it! And I believe God is pleased with my effort.

"Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:4

Know my heart...

"Your words show what is in your hearts.
Luke 6:45 (CEV)

"For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks."
Luke 6:45 (NLT)

"For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."
Luke 6:45 (NIV)


Whatever translation you choose Luke 6:45 says the same thing. What you pour into your heart will come out of your mouth..... eventually. Having been raised in a house full of racist rants from generational prejudice, I'm not sure how I escaped being filled with such hate. I remember, years ago, a very well liked actor who spewed anti-semitic hatred. When interviewed he apologized and said he had had too much to drink..... he didn't feel that way at all. Not so! What you fill your heart with WILL, at some point, come out.... alcohol just lowers your inhibitions.

"A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."
Luke 6:45 NIV

What you store up in your heart doesn't have to be a big life altering event...at least at first...it could be something that irritates you about someone or something. You remain silent.....and you remain silent......and you remain silent. ...and you tell yourself you're a good person and a good person wouldn't say THAT....so you remain silent and tell yourself it's not a big deal. But each time you remain silent that irritant festers and becomes bigger and when your heart begins to overflow and when that festering pus spills out it has the potential to do great damage and change lives. Don't get me wrong, the irritant itself could be justified. But when we "stuff" something so we don't have to confront it and it builds and builds ..what likely comes out is very hurtful. It can shatter marriages, friendships and trust.....what once was a small irritant that could have been addressed is now toxic.

God speaks a LOT about the heart. Depending on translation he mentions it at least 500 times in the New International Version and more than 800 times in the King James Version. The heart not only sustains life in our physical bodies but sustains us spiritually.

"I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone (unnatural) and give them a heart of flesh (natural)."
Ezekiel 11:19

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"
Jeremiah 17:9

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."
Proverbs 4:23

"As water reflects the face, so one’s life reflects the heart."
Proverbs 27:19

God is not fooled. He already knows our heart.

As it is written: “There is no one righteous, not even one..."
Romans 3:10

Lest we be fooled.... we will never "arrive" at complete holiness in this earthly life. It's a constant working out.

I am one of the least confrontational people you'll ever meet. I hate confrontation. I hate conflict. I am the female version of Rodney King, "Can't we just all get along?" I was taught well to be the peacemaker, at all times, in a very volitile home. I do it well! You might say, "Well that's a good thing." But there has to be a balance between stuffing ALL of it and speaking truth in love without worrying if you'll hurt someone or if you'll be liked when you're done.

The tongue can be very sharp and hurtful...Sometimes I err on the side of extreme caution.....if you can't say something nice, say nothing at all. In other words, stuff your feelings, opinions, thoughts ,desires, wants, needs...stuff all of it because you'd rather do that then risk a relationship.

I'm well aware of the deadliness of the tongue when out of control.

"Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."
James 3:5‭-‬6

I'm also keenly aware of how sharp it can become when I speak from an overflow of stuffed stuff.

I've done it and I've been a recipient of it. It hurts and it's hurtful. Is growing a tougher skin so the arrows don't puncture so deeply a correct response? Or am I to learn from the puncture wounds how not to wound others?

I think I can definitely grow in my ability to manage conflict but I don't think I can "outgrow" my sensitive nature. What I know for sure is that I desire to please God above man. That only happens through trials of this life. So I petition my God:

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."
Psalms 51:10

"Being pure in heart involves having a singleness of heart toward God. A pure heart has no hypocrisy, no guile, no hidden motives. The pure heart is marked by transparency and an uncompromising desire to please God in all things. It is more than an external purity of behavior; it is an internal purity of soul."
(gotquestions.org)

Uncompromising desire......

God, you alone are what my heart desires. You are faithful and just.... above all, in all and over all. Your mercies never fail nor will you ever fail me. Shield me from the hurt of others and help me not to hurt others by my stuffed stuff. Give me courage to speak so my heart doesn't fill with anything but you. Help me to look to your approval above all others. You say you are THE WAY, THE TRUTH AND THE LIFE. May I believe it and walk in it.

Moment by Moment

 

May 11, 2015

7 years
84 months
364 weeks
2,548 days
61,152 hours
3,669,120 minutes

May 11, 2022

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."
Psalms 90:12

As I began to try to put today into words I thought, "What if I look at the seven years since "that" day instead of "that" day?" "That" day does and always will bring an immense amount of pain to the forefront. Every little detail is like slow motion running through my head...this last week has been like groundhog day on steroids.

But God.....

Can I rejoice knowing I will see him again? Can I be grateful our children and grandchildren are thriving? Can I be thankful that even in great loss God has sustained me mentally, physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually? Can I stand firm in the outrageous provision that I survived at all? Can I call myself blessed by my family, friends and church community? Can I say with great certainty that God works for the good of those who love him? Can I know, in my heart, that if I wake up tomorrow his mercies ARE new?

When I look at the increments in time broken down it gives me a really good picture of what walking out this life looks like. Sometimes I say this time next year when planning vacation or waiting for a big event. Or maybe talk about a wedding I'm planning to attend in six months. Or maybe it's an appointment I have next week. Or I'm watching my grandchild tomorrow. But most of the time I'm living in the moment to moment.....which means I've had 3,669,120 moment by moment opportunities in the last seven years. When you've experienced trauma you can't think beyond the present. I remember each minute being excruciating. I remember after nearly a year the first day I didn't cry for an entire 24 hours. As I write I cannot believe that I have survived over three and half million moments.

Praise God!

Every year since that day, I pray for a verse. Each year God has been gracious to provide a verse that teaches me something about him and/or myself. Sometimes it's painful but I'm grateful for the growth. This verse for 2022 is exactly what I need. I need to focus on that which is true and right and lovely. I need to use what I've learned and put it into practice.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."
Philippians 4:8‭-‬9

Can I get up tomorrow and begin year eight with new focus and fresh insight? I don't know.....I want to but I simply cannot do it in my own strength. It's too hard. But praise be to God I don't have to.

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:13

These days, the memories and the loss are still painful and they always will be....I am not fooled.....I will miss my beloved all of the days God gives me on this earth without him. But I only have to live in them one moment at a time and God's peace will rest on me. For today, that is enough.

In due time...

"But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed."
Luke 5:16 NIV

Scripture never says that Jesus WAS lonely....certainly he had reason to be. He was ridiculed and mocked....sarcasm was the name of the game when it came to the Pharisees...he was not highly esteemed...Isaiah said he had no beauty, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him....he was despised and rejected....

Yet he was not lonely for he knew where and from whom his true worth came. He knew who REALLY mattered.

"The demands of life pushed Jesus to prayer, not from it." (EWC)

He suffered at the hands of men and certainly all of us have or will at some time in our lives. Whether it be loss, rejection, heartache, anguish, distress......fill in the blank.

"We sometimes associate “being alone” with “being lonely,” and it is important to realize that there is a difference between those two. Being “alone” is a physical state where you are physically by yourself. Being “lonely” is an emotional state where you are feeling alone or disconnected from others – even when they’re right next to you. Sometimes we are happy to be by ourselves, and sometimes we wish for the company of others.
–Sharon Melin, MA, Outpatient Therapist.

In these last years I have maintained that I am not lonely. I don't feel disconnected. I don't desire a new partner. I have friends, family, grandkids. If I had to pinpoint the "it" I'd say I feel a lack of worth. Like, "Shouldn't I be doing something? God, can't you use me?" I'm no longer a wife, my kids are raised, I've got time, time and more time.

I've got a plan! I've got it all mapped out....what it all should look like. THAT is a bad plan. 🤦🏻‍♀️ As much as it's been proven that I cannot plan my own journey I still try. I'm almost always disappointed. Some may "crinkle" at the old adage "Let go and let God" but at this point I'm learning that it's true.

I read a great blog post (full link below) that said this:

"Jesus had a minimal window of time to be on earth. He could have spent all of His time in ministry, buried in fulfilling tasks or within crowds. There was certainly a demand for it all. But we read throughout the Gospels that He often sent the crowds away so He could pray."

Is that not so with us too!? Oh, I could orchestrate a great plan to keep me very busy all the time but is God telling me not to get buried in tasks and demands that keep me from him?

And this:

"Success and popularity are not always proof that God wants you to keep doing what you are currently doing. Even then, you still need to come away with Him. Sometimes God will move you in a different direction even though things seem to be going great!"

This is SO hard! But, alas, it doesn't make it any less true.

https://www.herlegacynetwork.com/post/7-reasons-to-get-alone-with-god

Being alone is a surrendering of all that you had and all that you hoped for....it's laying down your comfort zone, your dreams, your will, your desires, even your strengths.....it's saying, "Here I am Lord. I am your empty vessel to fill as you choose."

I'm learning albeit slowly, sometimes with lack of patience, sometimes lack of heart, sometimes with sadness and sometimes with joy that I am not in control. That clearly is a heart issue.

"My son, give me your heart and let your eyes delight in my ways..."
Proverbs 23:26

Can't say it better than the Word of God:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
1 Peter 5:6‭-‬7

In due time......

Thanks be to God I am never alone.

The number seven..

This morning I pondered this question: "Is there something unique about the completion of the seventh year of grief?" Why am I seemingly more weepy, less motivated? Why does my couch seem more comforting than being with people? Why do I feel like I'm walking through quicksand? Why Lord did "I Will Rise" come on the radio in the car last night? If I would not have literally said, "Stop it Dianna!" I would have had to pull over. See, that was the song so beautifully sung at the memorial service....I remember (what I wish I could forget) my arms around my youngest son singing those words, "I will rise when he calls my name....no more sorrow, no more pain..." into his ear. Dear God, the grief and numbness.....I will never forget....

I'm guessing that just about everyone who's suffered loss thinks as the years go by grieving the "anniversary" might, just maybe, slip by with minimal discomfort. Like we can trick our brain into thinking it's not THAT day.

Today is Mother's Day. Seven years ago today was the last day I walked into church on the arm of the man I had loved for 41 years. I remember my new dress and the shirt he picked out to match that dress. More than anything though is remembering the joy on his face. He had only been going to church with me for nine months but in those short months he, like was always so easy for him, had gotten to know people and felt right at home. Those, literally were the happiest days of my life. Seven years later I still want THAT joy back.

I began to dig into the number seven. I read articles that talked about cells turning over every seven years and I thought, "Ah ha!! I AM experiencing something different." That's grief...always trying to explain it....but alas not so...just as many articles debunked that notion. So that's not it.....

Did you know that a woman goes through seven hormonal cycles in a lifetime? Interesting...but that's not it either.....

Did you know the number seven is significant in scripture?

"The number seven is especially prominent in Scripture, appearing over 700 times. From the seven days of Creation to the many “sevens” in Revelation, the number seven connotes such concepts as completion and perfection, exoneration and healing, and the fulfillment of promises and oaths."

Fascinating full article here:

https://www.christianity.com/wiki/bible/what-is-the-biblical-significance-of-the-number-7.html

What might the "sevens" teach me about my walk through grief?

Completion and Perfection

I can take great comfort that Christ's crucifixion actually completed for me, the promise of eternal life. It sealed the promise that I will be reunited with my beloved. I will be made new and perfect. No more crying.... (Revelation 21:4)

Exoneration and Healing

When Jesus tells Peter to forgive seventy times seven he gives the example of how he forgives me. Infinity! Without limits! In an ever changing world Jesus shows me consistency. I can count on him! Take it to the bank! It's a done deal! I am forever sealed. And the healing power? Oh, though my heart is broken I am never alone. Never unloved. Never out of sight.

Fulfillment of Promises & Oaths

There is no one on this earth that will not disappoint me, grieve me, sadden me or fail me at some point in time. We are imperfect human beings in the need of a Savior! There is not a single promise, from the rainbow after the flood to the wiping of every tear that either has been or will be fulfilled exactly as it it written in God's Word.

Today is a particularly hard day.....and the days to follow aren't going to be any easier. I miss him. I miss us. I miss doing life with him. I always will. There will never not be a Mother's Day when I won't see us walking into church together. The smiles on our faces, the joy in our hearts. It hurts.

But Jesus ...

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.
1 Thessalonians 4:13

"Our sorrow is like the sadness of seeing someone off on a long trip, knowing you will see them again, but not for a long time."
(EWC)

Until that day I'll rest in the arms of Jesus....

Shifting my focus....

 

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:22‭-‬23

I woke this morning with God's Word on my mind. Such a beautiful passage....such hope. I'm not good at pretending.....these days are hard...I can't NOT think about next week....that day....that phone call.....THAT moment.... those words. Forever etched in my brain. Forever....You know what's "funny"? I've never found a single activity that can shift my focus for more than a second or two.

What I have learned over these years is that while I can't seem to shift my focus I am never alone. I love the Lord with all my heart....I did then and I do now. What I've realized is that when all is going well and as I think it should, God is my Rock whom I praise and worship. And when things fall apart and I'm in unimaginable pain God is my sounding board to whom I lament. Breaks my heart to write that. God is neither of those things AND both of those things.....

"In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly."
Psalms 5:3

Lay down the good and the bad. He is always there ready, willing and quite able to take ALL that I lay before him. He wants to hear my praises and he wants to comfort me in my sadness.

"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always."
Psalms 105:4

Seek his face always..in every circumstance.

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me."
Micah 7:7

I have hope as I wait. He hears me in good times and bad.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:18

Do I see and truly understand that this world is temporary?

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."
Isaiah 43:2

See, this is the point. God says, "In this world you WILL have trouble. Take heart! I have overcome the world!" He says, "I WILL be with you!"

Hard days WILL come, period. No amount of food, fellowship, fun...or shopping will stop them. That means sitting in the pain of that day. Allowing tears to freely flow, feeling all the feelings AND praising in the midst that I'm not alone. That he is a compassionate God that promises, "WHEN you walk through the fire, you will NOT be burned up."

Shifting my focus from what I cannot control to focusing on my God who IS in control and is always with me provides the very peace I seek. I can't explain it...well ... because I'm not God...but I know it to be true.

"That" day will come every year. My senses have not dulled...it hurts always as it did that day. Time cannot take away the memories of loss. Like the loss, Gods promise to be with me in the fire, never changes either. As I sit here today and write what I know to be true, I'll remind myself on "that" day that his mercies are new every morning. Great is his faithfulness.

Thank you Jesus that this world and these 70 or 80 years are just a blip on eternity.

Sharing a meal....

 

And while they still did not believe it because of joy and amazement, he asked them, “Do you have anything here to eat?”
Luke 24:41

I read a commentary that said sharing a meal was considered a warm, intimate time of sharing life together.

Isn't that true? I just set up a time to meet with my small group and someone asked if we were eating? Of course! Beginning with a meal and fellowship is perfect for catching up....it's warm and it's intimate and it's fun and it's relaxing and so very beneficial for our well-being. It's a great time to share life together and to love and care for each other.

"There is something particularly enjoyable about sharing a meal with someone. But now researchers believe it may provide some health benefits, too. Frequently eating alone can have a negative impact on health, especially for mature women. Researchers discovered that eating alone may increase heart health risks."
verywellfit.com

I so get it! My beloved and I cooked together, ate together and cleaned up together. We had wonderful conversation and held each other accountable. Now high cholesterol and blood pressure have me medicated. My doctor's advice? "You need to eliminate stress" I haven't figured out how to do that.....yet.....🤦🏻‍♀️

Jesus sought to create friendships and relationships. Can you imagine a more intimate conversation than when he revealed what he knew about the woman at the well and her many husbands? Even a drink of water provides an opportunity for relationships.

And the Pharisees....

"While Jesus was having dinner at Levi’s house, many tax collectors and sinners were eating with him and his disciples, for there were many who followed him."
Mark 2:15

The Pharisees were indignant!

"When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: “Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?”
Mark 2:16

But Jesus.....❤️

"On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
Mark 2:17

Eating is very prevalent in the Bible. From the Garden of Eden, to the Passover, to The Last Supper.

I was listening to a sermon the other day and it was talking about inviting people to your house to share a meal. And the question was, "Who would you invite?"

It was mentioned that we would naturally invite family and friends...but would we dare invite the "unlovely".....the least of these.

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
Matthew 25:40

I was so convicted. Of course I would invite friends, those I'm comfortable with. But that's not Jesus' example to me.

"Jesus often used meals to engage with people and teach important lessons. And he continues to call us to his table to feast on who he is and learn more about him through his Word. Jesus’ example provides an opportunity to invite friends, outcasts and even enemies to know God’s story of love and salvation."
(ibelieve.com)

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him and him with me."
Revelation 3:20

“This was the meal at which a man sat and talked for long, for now there was time, for work was ended... it is not a mere courtesy visit, paid in the passing, which Jesus Christ offers to us. He desires to come in and to sit long with us, and to wait as long as we wish him to wait.” (Barclay)

Fellowship and deep relationship is what God desires with us. But he also desires that WE share fellowship with those that may not know him.

Food draws people. Food starts conversations. Lord knows I have had my share in a grocery store over a package of pork chops. 🤭

How am I reaching out to share a meal? How could I do better? I need only look at my own need for fellowship and of course to Jesus' perfect example to offer it to others.

"Just as he shared food with all sorts and conditions of people as a sign of the inclusivity of God's kingdom, so too did the early church. The gatherings to eat together were earthly representations of the heavenly banquet imagery that had been reinforced by Jesus through his teaching as well as his actions."
(holyhabits.org)

Can you imagine what dinner will look like in heaven? Glorious beyond glorious. 🙌

He is making all things new!

"And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
Revelation 21:5

"He is making ALL things new!"

As one reads the Bible, God's very inspired words, take note of the absolutes. He WILL make ALL things new. No need to doubt (He WILL), and not just some things but ALL things.

Then he says, "Write this down." He doesn't say, "If you want to" or "If you think you can remember don't worry about it." No! Do it! Why? Because they ARE trustworthy and true and of great worth!

I became curious of the absolute words in scripture.

Absolute - true, right or the same in all situations and not depending on anything else.

Reading scripture with absolutes in mind changes the way you think about it.

•I AM the bread of life
•He who comes to me will NEVER be thirsty
•I AM the Good Shepherd
•I AM the way
•I AM the truth
•I AM the life
•I WILL provide
•I WILL give you rest
•DON'T be afraid
•The Word of God stands FOREVER
•My grace IS sufficient for you

•My power IS made PERFECT in weakness
•Do NOT worry
•I KNOW you
•Whoever believes him who sent me HAS eternal life and WILL NOT be condemned

Jesus answered, “It is written: "Man shall NOT live on bread alone, but on EVERY word that comes from the mouth of God.’”
Matthew 4:4

Jesus doesn't mince words. He says what he means and means what he says ALL of the time! He is consistent 100% of the time.

How many times do I find myself backtracking? Saying, "I didn't mean THAT." Or, worse yet, denying I said something at all. Or, too many times to count, my feelings take over and I end up apologizing for an emotional rant.

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
James 1:19‭-‬20

Jesus is my perfect example. Did he get frustrated? Yes! Did he have to be stern at times and speak truth? Yes! But did he EVER speak truth without love? Never! Without good intentions? Never! Without taking the greater good into account? Never! Without using every opportunity as a teaching moment? Never! Did Jesus sometimes remain silent? Yes! Did he often remain silent when he would have been completely justified defending himself? Absolutely!

A quote I read a long time ago has stuck with me. It goes like this:

"Are you simply listening to respond or are you simply listening?" Am I formulating my response to someone in the midst of their comments or am I really listening to what they're saying?

He IS listening! God listened to Job lament, pour out his great sorrows, wrestle with his friends and combat a bitter wife for 37 chapters!!! He listened with great compassion and great patience. He HEARD Job!! And when he finally spoke Job was ready to listen. God spoke some hard truths to Job. "Where were you when I laid the Earth's foundation?" "Have you ever given orders to the morning or shown the dawn it's place?" Job thought he just might have known better than God.

You might say, "Really Job?" But truth be told when my beloved was taken in a second by a senseless choice, I, for sure, thought I knew better than God! Really God? This? No! This is not good! And it wasn't!

Some may think walking with the Lord is all health, wealth and prosperity. Just accept Jesus and life will be good! All will be well! Scripture actually never says that. What it does say is this, "In this world you WILL have trouble." But the absolute beauty is the very next sentence, "Take heart! I HAVE overcome the world."

This world isn't all there is to those who know, listen and follow Jesus.

I love the song Firm Foundation.

"Christ is my firm foundation...the Rock on which I stand...when everything around me is shaking....I've never been more glad...that I put my faith in Jesus... he's NEVER let me down...he's faithful through every season ...so why would he fail now....he won't..."

And so I'll end where I began, "I AM making ALL things new."

In an ever changing, hard world I am going to hold fast to Jesus. His Words are sometimes hard and sometimes comforting but ALWAYS true. And I cannot wait for this day:


"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he WILL dwell with them. They WILL be his people, and God himself WILL be with them and be their God."
Revelation 21:3

Oh what a glorious day it WILL be!

And this....Lord, I can't wait...

"He WILL wipe EVERY tear from their eyes. There will be NO more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things HAS passed away.”
Revelation 21:4

No more death or mourning or crying or pain....again I say...

What a glorious day it WILL be!