Living in the "What ifs"
I had a huge epiphany this week. An eye opening realization. A revelation from God. If asked to explain it in 30 words or less I'm not sure I could do it justice. If I gave the bare essentials I'm not sure even I, to whom it was given, could grasp the sheer beauty nor the incredible healing properties of it. Surely I would not see it as a gift. And it definitely WAS a gift....an amazing gift.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
Jeremiah 29:11
Familiar passage, yes? One usually learned early in one's walk with the Lord. One that, when things are going great, is easy to recite and testify to. But what if nothing makes sense? What if his plans look nothing like our plan? What if it feels like God doesn't see us? What if his plan is hard? Painful? Devastating? Disappointing? Confusing? What if?
I retired two years ago and at that time, I proclaimed that I was totally content to wait on the Lord and let HIM roll out HIS plan for my retirement. I prayed and I laid my heart's desires at his feet and boldly declared, "As you will Father, not as I will". And my desires were good desires. I wanted to serve his kingdom.... particularly in my church if that would be his will. I knew that he could send me out to another job or into my community and I was okay with that too. Good, solid, God-centered prayer and the rest and peace that comes from waiting..... or so I thought...
I retired two years ago and at that time, I proclaimed that I was totally content to wait on the Lord and let HIM roll out HIS plan for my retirement. I prayed and I laid my heart's desires at his feet and boldly declared, "As you will Father, not as I will". And my desires were good desires. I wanted to serve his kingdom.... particularly in my church if that would be his will. I knew that he could send me out to another job or into my community and I was okay with that too. Good, solid, God-centered prayer and the rest and peace that comes from waiting..... or so I thought...
Two years later... serving his kingdom doesn't look at all like I thought it might. And at this point I'm not sure what I think it should look like. Talk about confusion.
"For God is not a God of confusion but of peace."
1 Corinthians 14:33
Because of that confusion and lack of peace, I have literally lived the last six months with so many "what ifs" swirling in my mind...that when God brought it boldly to my attention, I realized that I haven't actually LIVED at all. I've been holding my breath. I've allowed time to stand still IN my waiting. I've been dissatisfied. I'm disappointed. God, how exactly do I live IN the waiting? What if the "waiting" IS living? What if the day to day, quiet, one on one communion with you IS exactly where you want me to be?
For the first time in 43 years my home has been without a pet. It has been the oddest six months....not loneliness, but a sense that something is missing. At first I was relieved. I could come and go as I pleased. I could travel without worry and the extra expenses of dog care...and I did.....while the travel was fine and fun I realized I'm not a traveler. I'm not going to spend my retirement years globe trotting. I like to be home.....but not ALL the time...not too much. And as I continue to place parameters on what retirement should look like, the contentment, I once felt, has been slowly chipped away until I'm where I found myself earlier this week.
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. . . . [For] your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.” Luke 12:22, 30–31
I've wanted a new puppy for awhile and while this may seem silly or simplistic this is just one of the ways God is showing me that I'm not actually living life but living in the "what ifs".
1.What if I travel?
2. What if I get really busy in ministry?
Number one - God has shown me, what I've always been, a homebody and Number two - it may happen...but it hasn't....
I cannot be content in everything, when I continue to tie my contentment to the "what ifs". And I cannot live in the here and now if I'm constantly thinking about what "might" happen when fact is "it" might not....
In this passage Paul speaks to contentment:
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:11-13
He has LEARNED to be content.... I DECLARED that I was content! There is no "was" without having learned...oh silly girl....
Though the learning process is rough, sometimes painful the epiphany is beautiful. The grasping of truth is an ongoing journey. I'm sure my struggle with contentment isn't over but steps forward are healing.
This week I put my application in to adopt a puppy from a local shelter. And even in this simple action I'm going to wait.....if I'm not selected I'm going to be content in knowing the timing wasn't right or it wasn't the right puppy or it is his will that I not have a puppy at all. And I've learned that I can't stop living in the waiting because when I do my testimony is squelched.... dissatisfaction takes hold and "what's if" run the "show".
I don't know what my future holds but I know WHO holds it. I'm grateful that God opened my eyes. Because he has shown me that I actually am serving his kingdom. It just doesn't look like what I had envisioned. It's HIS plan. Honestly, I'm weary. Forcing self desires into an already laid out perfect plan is exhausting. I want off the merry go round of my own mind. THAT'S where contentment exists.
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