Courage - strength in the face of pain or grief.
I live in a beautiful, mature neighborhood. Going for walks was a typical thing to do. My beloved and I would admire beautiful trees, lawns, flowers....we would wonder at the smells in the air.....chuckle at dogs we passed or squirrels playing (well, I might have chuckled and cooed over the squirrels, my beloved might have envisioned a good dinner....God, I loved that man.)
In the years he's been gone I could probably count on one hand, maybe two, the times I've set out alone to walk the path that we often (not always) walked together.
In the past (before THAT day) I would think of all the times I declared someone to be brave. Those fighting cancer or serious illness, doing a eulogy at the funeral of a child you've lost or to actually volunteer to go into battle for your country. For me (and remember I ONLY tell MY story) being brave hits a bunch of other circumstances, that are not to be compared to other's tragedies, because those mentioned above are horrific, but still take bravery . At some point, after great tragedy when all the "expected" things are done and all the firsts have passed there is the business of life still to be lived.
I would not consider it brave to lace up ones shoes and head out to get some exercise. But, for me, it requires it. So odd....even to this day I want to say, "Dianna, just get past it!! Really! Just do it!!" I'm SO tired of crying. I have shed many lifetimes of tears. Just the other day I was drying my hair and a familiar feeling began to bubble up in my gut. I looked in the mirror and whispered, "he's really gone" and tears flowed like those first days. That's grief. .....it is tiresome and fatiguing. When a grieving person says they are weary, believe them! Grieving is not just a feeling...it is an action.....and it is.....exhausting.
So I laced up my shoes and set out for a walk. It was a beautiful day. I often think about Genesis. I think of God creating all of the beauty I see and am truly thankful. Though thankful I'm always mindful of where I am and where I'm going. Even when it's a special day, a birthday, an anniversary, I can't NOT think about it.....it's always there...
I realize I'm not far from the twisty turn where your view is obstructed in both directions. When my beloved and I walked together he was so protective. He'd say, "get over" and I'd scootch over to the edge of the road and he'd say, "No, in the grass! If cars come both ways the edge isn't far enough." I'd laugh at his protectiveness, get over in the grass and sometimes roll my eyes because it never happened then.......but it did happen this day when his reminder was in my heart and he wasn't there....I heard his voice saying those words. And yes, I was in the grass. I thought to myself, this is exactly why I don't walk the path we used to take together.
I won't lie .....it REALLY hurts.... considering how his life was taken despite his diligence to safety. But I also realize the longer and more deeply I walk with the Lord the faster the turning comes and I'm reminded:
"The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever."
1 John 2:17
And....
“Be strong and courageous and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God is with you."
Joshua 1:9
And ......
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
And I realize I have ALL that I need.
Is this journey of widowhood hard? Yes, desperately so. Will there come a time when there will be no more tears? Nope, not on this earth. So what am I to do? Lean into the sadness, let the tears fall, remember, be in the moment....for it too shall pass...until the next time.....
And then fall into the arms of the lover of my soul, my Creator, my Sustainer, my Friend. He IS everything I NEED.
"By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence."
2 Peter 1:3
And HIS comfort washes over me and I am secure regardless of my earthly circumstances.
I pray you know the Savior. He is all we need.
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