Desire

 

Desire - a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.

When I am troubled about something it's hard to sleep. I'm not one who can get up and read a book or have a cup of coffee and watch TV until I feel sleepy enough to return to my bed. I lay there and try to figure it all out.....desperately seeking answers so sleep will come again. When there really is no solution at my fingertips and there is nothing I can do.....the darkness seems really dark and oppresive.

Thoughts go crazy with "what ifs" and "whys" and yes, "Lord, what are you doing? I don't understand. Certainly you don't mean THAT?" Many times I've been on the other end though....devising my own solution, making my own way, doing my own thing, fixing it my way.....I opened my eyes this morning with this question clearly in my thoughts, "How did this happen?" Doing things on my own, in the way I want has often left me in places I don't want to be. Looks really good at the time but.......there are consequences to stepping ahead of the will of God. That's truth! I've lived it over and over again.

But that question, "How did this happen?" is different this time. It wasn't my doing. And I am left to wonder why? My intent is not to be cryptic, for it really doesn't matter the particular circumstances, what matters is my response. And what is that response? NOT to go out on my own and try to fix things (though this time I just can't) or to place blame....but to simply wait and see what God's going to do.

The hardest part about waiting is that I can't see the end. That end isn't necessarily next week. The end could be next year or 10 years or, in this life, I may not see what I think looks like an answer at all. By far the hardest part is when your desire is actually a really, really good thing. What you desire is honorable. What you desire is pleasing to the Lord. So what does one do with that? 

Those are really hard questions at 3 am. I have no choice but to wait. If my desire is in God's will than it will be. If my desire, though good and honorable, is not what God has planned for me than it will not be. Many may think Christians have it made and life is all rosy, you get what you want, you're never hurt....simply not so.....there is much pain, much stretching, much that is not understood.....and there is waiting.....lots and lots of waiting......and answers? Sometimes yes and sometimes no, sometimes not now.....sometimes wait.....

I prayed this morning, "Lord, I don't understand. I don't know what you're doing. In the waiting can you give me something to hold onto?" Then I opened my Bible and this:

JESUS COMFORTS HIS DISCIPLES

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me." John 14:1

He goes on to tell them that he is going to prepare a place for them and he will come back and take them with him. There is such comfort in knowing that this world isn't all there is. That all the sadness and disappointments of this life are a drop in the bucket compared to eternity. The disciples that walked with Jesus had questions. I have questions too! The beauty? The answers Jesus gave them two thousand plus years ago apply to me today.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let you hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

Jesus' comfort in chapter 14 is to give his disciples confidence...he says, "You heard me say, "I am going away and I am coming back to you." and then this: "I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe."
I can have confidence that God's got this. That he has a plan for me regardless of whether it's how I think it should look or what my desire is.

Jeremiah 29:13 says:
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

So today, amid uncertainty, I will seek him with my whole heart. And I will find him....for that is his promise to me.