Time

Time - the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.

I woke up this morning with the thought of time on my mind. No wonder.....I was awake several times overnight and then around 5 am I began the process of, "How long before I should get up?" Here we go, "It's 5:00 and I have to leave the house at 8:30 for a dentist appointment at 8:50. That gives me 3 1/2 hours. Hmmm....what do I have to do before I leave? Make my bed, always....time with Jesus, always.....get cleaned up, always....then I began to think of household chores that I might want to do because I have to go directly from the dentist to take my mom to a doctor appointment." I finally determined that getting up at 6:00 would give me plenty of time to do what had to be done and get me where I needed to go on time.

I've heard many, many people say that after retirement their lives are so busy they don't know how they actually fit work in! I get it! I am struggling with time. I either have too much, which is, in my opinion, awful OR I don't have enough and find myself frazzled. Such a conundrum. If I had to choose I'd rather be frazzled. Trying to fill time means bad choices.....spending money.....eating too much.....thinking too much......indulging habits that really need to go away for good.

I find myself anxious to dive into God's word to see what he says about time. He has a lot to say.....I know it. What does HE want me to do with the time I've been given? More than anything I want to use my time wisely. I remember a time when I couldn't get my beloved to sit down and relax.....and when I could actually sit down and read a novel in two days flat. He was always doing and I knew the art of relaxing. Now, in so many ways, I look back and realize his relaxing was just different from mine and my doing was different from his. Neither wrong.....just different. What was right for him wasn't wrong for me and vice versa. Why do we try to get people to conform to our routines? We are each different, created from a mold only used once and each with a life plan unique to them. So what does the word of God say about time? What am I supposed to be doing with my time, the time He has given me?

I read this quote:

"God's Word advises us to use our time wisely because He knows that there are many things in life that can distract us from what truly matters. Do not waste your time so that you look back with regret - you do not know what tomorrow holds!"
AMEN and AMEN! I've lived that last part!

I can't help but go to Ecclesiastes. Solomon, described as "a fabulously wealthy and wise King" set out to enjoy life. He had everything! And I mean everything! He built houses, planted vineyards. He made gardens and parks and planted fruit trees in them. He built reservoirs to water them. He had people that worked for him....lots of them. He had more herds and flocks than anyone in Jerusalem. He amassed silver and gold, singers and a haram. He had 700 wives and 300 concubines!

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Ecclesiastes is one of my favorite books in the Bible. Solomon had everything money could buy. All the things we think we need. All the things we think will make us happy. But in the end ALL was found to be meaningless. Some translations say "Vanity!! Vanity!!"
In Ephesians (5:15-16 KJV) and Colossians (4:5 KJV) it talks about "redeeming the time". A commentary says, "To redeem something means to buy it back, to regain possession of it. 

Time is a gift from God, and none of us know how much of it we are allotted. Only God knows how much time each of us has on this earth to make decisions that will impact eternity (Psalm 139:16). When God says we should be “redeeming the time,” He wants us to live in constant awareness of that ticking clock and make the most of the time we have."
Ephesians 5:16 NIV says it this way, "Be very careful, then, how you live---not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil."
And just like that an hour has passed and I must move forward. I, literally, could stay right here for hours. Pouring over all that God says about time. But I'll end here with Solomon's conclusion:

"Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the duty of all mankind.
For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil."

Ecclesiastes 12:13

God, you already know what today holds for me. Your word says that every day is written before one of them comes to be. Help me to redeem my time, help me to make the most of every opportunity. Lord, help me not to miss what you lay before me today...whether it be a circumstance or a person. Help me to understand more fully that time is so, so precious. I actually cringe that I have to ask you to show me how precious time is.....like I haven't lived it. Forgive me that I can be such a slow learner. I want to do better God and I know that if I take you with me....because, I confess, sometimes I don't, that I can and will be productive for your kingdom. I really want that Lord. Thank you for being patient with me and showing me your unconditional love.

Longevity

 

Longevity - The length of life....

I'm sitting on the beach. It's not yet 11:00. The morning is gorgeous after two days of storms. The sun is warm and the breeze is cool. The six of us are semi-circled, occasionally chatting, napping or reading. It is a glorious last day of a wonderful week. I glance up from my novel to see this couple walking. I surmise they are older than me but I've never been a good judge of age. Tears spring to my eyes involuntarily and the thought that I've had a jillion times: I wanted that! I wanted longevity....not for my life alone but with my beloved. I was so proud of the work we had done in our marriage. New understanding, a closeness that longevity provides....rewards of perseverance. In that sense 41 years actually was a gift of longevity. The fruit of hard work is where we were....the years beyond were our reward right?

Now, where I sit in this journey, instead of questioning "why" I ask, "God, show me what it is you want me to learn." For those who think that's an easy question.....like, "Wow, her husband was killed and she says teach me"....oh no! I'm just a widow that has wrestled, begged, cried out and pleaded for my beloved's return or to wake from my nightmare....and has finally allowed the realization that he's not coming back to allow me to seek different answers. Hard? You bet! Especially times like today when I wanted to be that couple. Holding hands with my beloved, walking with him, sharing life....having longevity beyond our wildest dreams.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."
Ecclesiastes 3:1

So hard....was our season over?

"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
Psalms 139:16

"The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."
Psalm 121:7-8

And this is where I am today....do I believe it? Do I believe my beloved's season was over? Do I believe 60 years were written in the book beside his name? Do I believe it even when someone made a bad decision that day that cut off the furthering of our longevity? Was it her or was it God's sovereignty?

I'm so grateful that this life is a journey and not a destination. Because, just like that, in an instant, a couple holding hands, takes me back years.....a longing for what was wells up like a long lost friend and I am faced, again, with asking, "Why God, did you allow this?"

And he answers when I listen:

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26

He says, "Dianna, you ARE going to have all of those thoughts and feelings but.... I AM your strength. I AM your portion. I AM your longevity. I always have been and I always will be."

"Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me."
Psalm 31:3

"And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever."
John 2:17

I need only look as far as the book in my beach bag.... God's Word....
"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:19

I'm truly happy when I see couples who have persevered through hard times...that divorce would never have been an option, who spoke the words, "until death do us part" with conviction. I can't help my heart goes to a really sad place for it is the heart God gave me. If God gives a tender heart, though often painful, it still feels great joy when filled to overflowing with his promises.

God, you already knew that seeing this beautiful couple would be painful for me. Your word says you know every word on my tongue before I say it so you know these words, " I wanted that". It is not a surprise to you that they walked in front of me this beautiful morning. But then...your gentle whisper says, "Dianna, I'm here" and I can dry my tears and look to the one who holds my heart, counts every tear and collects them in a bottle. God, if you care so much to collect my tears I know I can endure and I can count it all joy.

Desire

 

Desire - a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.

When I am troubled about something it's hard to sleep. I'm not one who can get up and read a book or have a cup of coffee and watch TV until I feel sleepy enough to return to my bed. I lay there and try to figure it all out.....desperately seeking answers so sleep will come again. When there really is no solution at my fingertips and there is nothing I can do.....the darkness seems really dark and oppresive.

Thoughts go crazy with "what ifs" and "whys" and yes, "Lord, what are you doing? I don't understand. Certainly you don't mean THAT?" Many times I've been on the other end though....devising my own solution, making my own way, doing my own thing, fixing it my way.....I opened my eyes this morning with this question clearly in my thoughts, "How did this happen?" Doing things on my own, in the way I want has often left me in places I don't want to be. Looks really good at the time but.......there are consequences to stepping ahead of the will of God. That's truth! I've lived it over and over again.

But that question, "How did this happen?" is different this time. It wasn't my doing. And I am left to wonder why? My intent is not to be cryptic, for it really doesn't matter the particular circumstances, what matters is my response. And what is that response? NOT to go out on my own and try to fix things (though this time I just can't) or to place blame....but to simply wait and see what God's going to do.

The hardest part about waiting is that I can't see the end. That end isn't necessarily next week. The end could be next year or 10 years or, in this life, I may not see what I think looks like an answer at all. By far the hardest part is when your desire is actually a really, really good thing. What you desire is honorable. What you desire is pleasing to the Lord. So what does one do with that? 

Those are really hard questions at 3 am. I have no choice but to wait. If my desire is in God's will than it will be. If my desire, though good and honorable, is not what God has planned for me than it will not be. Many may think Christians have it made and life is all rosy, you get what you want, you're never hurt....simply not so.....there is much pain, much stretching, much that is not understood.....and there is waiting.....lots and lots of waiting......and answers? Sometimes yes and sometimes no, sometimes not now.....sometimes wait.....

I prayed this morning, "Lord, I don't understand. I don't know what you're doing. In the waiting can you give me something to hold onto?" Then I opened my Bible and this:

JESUS COMFORTS HIS DISCIPLES

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me." John 14:1

He goes on to tell them that he is going to prepare a place for them and he will come back and take them with him. There is such comfort in knowing that this world isn't all there is. That all the sadness and disappointments of this life are a drop in the bucket compared to eternity. The disciples that walked with Jesus had questions. I have questions too! The beauty? The answers Jesus gave them two thousand plus years ago apply to me today.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let you hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

Jesus' comfort in chapter 14 is to give his disciples confidence...he says, "You heard me say, "I am going away and I am coming back to you." and then this: "I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe."
I can have confidence that God's got this. That he has a plan for me regardless of whether it's how I think it should look or what my desire is.

Jeremiah 29:13 says:
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

So today, amid uncertainty, I will seek him with my whole heart. And I will find him....for that is his promise to me.

Brave

 

Brave - endure or face (unpleasant conditions or behavior) without showing fear.

Courage - strength in the face of pain or grief.

I live in a beautiful, mature neighborhood. Going for walks was a typical thing to do. My beloved and I would admire beautiful trees, lawns, flowers....we would wonder at the smells in the air.....chuckle at dogs we passed or squirrels playing (well, I might have chuckled and cooed over the squirrels, my beloved might have envisioned a good dinner....God, I loved that man.) 

In the years he's been gone I could probably count on one hand, maybe two, the times I've set out alone to walk the path that we often (not always) walked together.

In the past (before THAT day) I would think of all the times I declared someone to be brave. Those fighting cancer or serious illness, doing a eulogy at the funeral of a child you've lost or to actually volunteer to go into battle for your country. For me (and remember I ONLY tell MY story) being brave hits a bunch of other circumstances, that are not to be compared to other's tragedies, because those mentioned above are horrific, but still take bravery . At some point, after great tragedy when all the "expected" things are done and all the firsts have passed there is the business of life still to be lived.

I would not consider it brave to lace up ones shoes and head out to get some exercise. But, for me, it requires it. So odd....even to this day I want to say, "Dianna, just get past it!! Really! Just do it!!" I'm SO tired of crying. I have shed many lifetimes of tears. Just the other day I was drying my hair and a familiar feeling began to bubble up in my gut. I looked in the mirror and whispered, "he's really gone" and tears flowed like those first days. That's grief. .....it is tiresome and fatiguing. When a grieving person says they are weary, believe them! Grieving is not just a feeling...it is an action.....and it is.....exhausting.

So I laced up my shoes and set out for a walk. It was a beautiful day. I often think about Genesis. I think of God creating all of the beauty I see and am truly thankful. Though thankful I'm always mindful of where I am and where I'm going. Even when it's a special day, a birthday, an anniversary, I can't NOT think about it.....it's always there...

I realize I'm not far from the twisty turn where your view is obstructed in both directions. When my beloved and I walked together he was so protective. He'd say, "get over" and I'd scootch over to the edge of the road and he'd say, "No, in the grass! If cars come both ways the edge isn't far enough." I'd laugh at his protectiveness, get over in the grass and sometimes roll my eyes because it never happened then.......but it did happen this day when his reminder was in my heart and he wasn't there....I heard his voice saying those words. And yes, I was in the grass. I thought to myself, this is exactly why I don't walk the path we used to take together.

I won't lie .....it REALLY hurts.... considering how his life was taken despite his diligence to safety. But I also realize the longer and more deeply I walk with the Lord the faster the turning comes and I'm reminded:

"The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever."
1 John 2:17

And....

“Be strong and courageous and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God is with you."
Joshua 1:9

And ......

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

And I realize I have ALL that I need.

Is this journey of widowhood hard? Yes, desperately so. Will there come a time when there will be no more tears? Nope, not on this earth. So what am I to do? Lean into the sadness, let the tears fall, remember, be in the moment....for it too shall pass...until the next time.....
And then fall into the arms of the lover of my soul, my Creator, my Sustainer, my Friend. He IS everything I NEED.

"By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence."
2 Peter 1:3

And HIS comfort washes over me and I am secure regardless of my earthly circumstances.
I pray you know the Savior. He is all we need.