Hope

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope."
1 Thessalonians 4:13

When you first lose someone you love more than you ever think you have the capcity to love, it is overwhelming. It takes you to places you never dreamed you would go. Places like the deepest pit, with no light, no end, no comfort. The pain is excrutiating though you are completely numb and can't feel a thing. The mind goes to places you'd never want your loved ones to see or hear about. They would be scared and you have just enough mental capacity left to at least understand that much. It's a journey you would not wish on a single person, even if you hated them. At least, I know I wouldn't....not even the young girl who caused my deep anguish. Wishing another to suffer as I have suffered brings zero relief....the anger I've experienced will never be a healing balm......unforgiveness is another heavy burden to carry....it's ALL a tangled mess....that you can't untangle EVER.......

But....

There comes a time, at least for me, that you reach the "other side" and can look back.....and know, that no matter how many years pass, you will always miss the one you loved so much. You will not grieve as one who has no hope. That time has been much longer coming than I thought. Not because I was waiting but because I didn't actually know it existed. God's timing is perfect. Never early, never late.
God is calling me into new life and I know that is where I am today. To explain it simply, not every waking moment, not every shed tear, is about my tremendous loss.

That's where I'm at in my spiritual journey with my Savior today.

He is a good, good Father and I'm amazed how he responds to me. Why? I sometimes can't fathom that he is THAT good and I could never have imagined I would ever recover.

Him, directing me, to Psalm 126 this morning was both bizarre AND unbelieveably comforting....yep, all at the same time. I'm sure I've read it before but needed it perfectly today. 🥰

"When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who
dreamed. Our mouths were filled with
laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations, “The Lord has done great
things for them.”
The Lord has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
Restore our fortunes, Lord,
like streams in the Negev.
Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.
Those who go out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with them.
Psalms 126:1‭-‬6

Two different senarios commentators express: 1. The people were freed from exile under Ezra and Nehemiah #2 perhaps describes David's return from his brief exile from Jerusalem in Absolam's coup (2 Samuel 15).

“The mercy was so unexpected, so amazing, so singular that they could not do less than laugh; and they laughed much, so that their mouths were full of it, and that because their hearts were full too.” (Spurgeon)

But this part really spoke to me:

"Those who go out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with them."

One commentary says this:

"Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy: The gladness of the first half of Psalm 126 was real, but only part of the picture. With wisdom the Psalmist reminded himself and all of us that great joy is often preceded by a season of tears, as if they are seeds we sow that will bring a crop of joy to be later reaped."

And then this:

“Some husbandmen (a person who cultivates the land) steep their seeds before they sow them. It is well when Christian workers steep their lessons and addresses with their prayers and tears. It is not enough to sow; we may do that lavishly and constantly, but we must add passion, emotion, tender pity, strong cryings and tears.” (Meyer)

“He drops a seed and a tear, a seed and a tear, and so goes on his way. In his basket he has seed which is precious to him, for he has little of it, and it is his hope for the next year. Each grain leaves his hand with anxious prayer that it may not be lost: he thinks little of himself, but much of his seed, and he eagerly asks, ‘Will it prosper? shall I receive a reward for my labour?’ Yes, good husbandman, doubtless you will gather sheaves from your sowing.” (Spurgeon)

Clearly, for me now, there is a definite turning. The only thing I am totally sure of is that he is working in ME. Not through my grief. Not in my loss. Not in what might have been. Not in what never will be. He is working in ME. As an individual. My walk. My journey. I shed many, many tears these days. Not unlike my entire life which has seen tears shed for many, many reasons, under many different circumstances. But this is really, really different. I never looked for it, for I didn't know it existed. It's revelation to me. I'm sloshing through like I'm in quicksand. But the beauty of it is this, even when I don't understand and I don't know what's happening and I have no idea where I'm going, GOD DOES. AND the bonus and comfort? I KNOW it's God!! It's NOT me!!

I'm being as honest as I can be. I don't know what God is doing. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know his plan. I don't know if I'm going to love it or hate it. I don't know if I'll be in or out of my comfort zone. I don't know what "it" is. What I do know. "It" is handpicked especially for me. It will fit me perfectly because God WILL be with me in whatever "it" is. All of that to say, it doesn't really matter at all what "it" is. My focus is skewed and incredibly misdirected if I think that way. Here's what keeps coming back to me time and time again:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
1Peter 5:6-7

Due time - Eventually at an appropiate time.

Yes, Lord. I know.