The Reputation of Grief

 

Twice in two months I saw an older couple holding hands walking on the beach. 

The first time was hard...tears flowed easily. 

The second time, before the tears came, I thought, "Really God? Again?" 

Then tears.....but also this, "My child, grief never ends." 

And God, in his perfect timing, showed me that grief is a measure of the love that we had. The comfort for me was like God gave me "permission" to grieve until I see my beloved again. 

Not as if I have no hope.... because I WILL see him again...but because I loved deeply. 

Though not a single person has said, "Why aren't you past it" or "You need to move on" there is a part, in the mind of a griever, that believes that's what people are thinking. The griever may begin to feel foolish. 

So on that beautiful beach as those tears fell, God held me in his arms and said, "It's okay....from now until....it's okay." 

I don't have to feel foolish or silly. I don't have to worry whether others are uncomfortable. I'm not stuck IN my grief. I'm fully functional.... sometimes grief just sneaks out in tears and that's okay.

Prayers were definitely answered as each time I went away, away from normal, I asked God to use that time to show me what it is he wants me to learn about my life and my purpose here. 

He is a good, good Father.

 

Thanksgiving

 

Amazed - greatly surprised; astonished

I'm not sure why I'm always amazed when God "shows up"....as if he's not present all the time. Maybe the surprise is that I see it and feel it so deeply at times and not so much at other times.

This is where relationship comes in. If I'm always waiting for the a-ha moments I'm simply not resting in the shadow of the Almighty. That's what a relationship with Jesus is. If every time I saw my mom I expected a gift I'd be disappointed. If every time I saw her we had great conversation and spent time together, that's relationship. Even when I'm not in her physical presence there is a relationship. For those who have or have had tumultuous relationships with their parents (I've certainly had my share) I apologize...it is the closest earthly example I can think of.

God is always working! Sometimes we don't know what he's doing. We don't see the bigger picture. But a relationship with him assures us that he is there ALL.THE.TIME! We don't have to doubt EVER. This is exactly why a close personal walk is important....no.... ESSENTIAL. So that I continually am aware of his presence.

Seeing a beautiful sunrise or a starry sky or a miraculous healing or mended relationships or a squirrel or the birds of the air are conformation of a Sovereign God. Those are physical. We SEE them.

But what about the really hard stuff...the stuff that doesn't make sense.....does that mean that God is not present, that he simply doesn't care? For me, one who has surrendered to Jesus I know that he is, in fact, still there. How do I know? Because I have a relationship with him. Not just in the good times, not just when I can physically see it, not just when I get what I want or what I ask for...but in the really hard times. In the unexpected losses, the heartbreaking, incomprehensible circumstances....the dark places that literally tear at one's soul. Yes he is there. He promises to never leave me nor forsake me EVER. When all in this earthly life passes away, those that I love, my health...you name it.... Jesus will be standing with arms wide open.

This verse is so precious:

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me."
Revelation 3:20

He's right there all.the.time! Not just on an "as needed" basis. We don't just interact with our parents or children when we need something! They are not the license bureau that you visit once a year for a license sticker!
God is available 24/7.... #1 - because he is and #2 - because he desires to have a relationship with you!

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."
Matthew 7:7‭-‬8

"When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."
James 4:3

Do I only seek him when I want something? How about asking for relief when the pressure of life is more than I can handle? When a loved one is sick? Truth be told...he already knows. He knows exactly what I need, when I need it, how to deliver it AND he knows if I will choose to hear him or if I'll choose not too.

"......for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
1Samuel 16:7

He knows my heart! He created me in his likeness! He WANTS a relationship with me! I am his child! He is my daddy!

I follow a scripture writing plan each month. These are the verses for today--Thanksgiving 2021. How appropriate is the reminder of what he did for me and for all.
I am thankful for the life he's provided for me. My family, my children and wonderful godly women....ALL who hold me up. I am thankful that he does not waste my sorrows. That he uses everything to create in me a heart like his.


On this Thanksgiving Day 2021 it is my prayer that you know my Jesus. Have a blessed day.

Dry crust

This verse came up today in my scripture writing plan. How appropriate for this season. 

I began to think that not everyone has wonderfully blessed holidays. 

I actually experienced volatile holidays most of my childhood. The food was always, always delicious. Prepared with love and displayed with great care. But always with intense concern of what might happen, when the other shoe would drop, what anger might be expressed, how it would be expressed....tense. 

Strife is defined as vigorous or bitter conflict, discord, or antagonism. I remember telling my mom that I would rather live in a homeless shelter than to experience life in our house.

All of that is not meant to illicit sympathy but simply to acknowledge those that don't experience storybook holidays.

And God's wisdom???!!! A-mazing!!

Isn't this really true? I would much rather have a bad piece of pumpkin pie, dry turkey and lumpy gravy with peace and quietness than an amazing feast riddled with bitter conflict, discord or antagonism.

How about you?

Transformation through suffering

Transform - make a thorough or dramatic change in the form, appearance, or character of...

Yesterday I set about to close my porch. This time of year I find myself rather melancholy. Closing my porch is especially hard. It's my quiet place. A place that gives me a great deal of peace and calm, an escape.....a place with lots of light, a cool breeze....quiet, oh so much quiet. 

Even when my beloved was alive it was a place that I often escaped to while he chose the lake. This year it pinches just a bit more. My space has been transformed after 40 years. It's very, very different. It has been reimagined. It has become a place I have shared with others instead of it being simply an escape for me. 

As I cleaned, packed and stored I fondly remembered amazing conversations, beautiful fellowship and God glorifying love that took place in that space. As I packed away the seashells, the table runners and my flamingo I couldn't help but think of the many months ahead until I unpack it all again. This last year has seen an entire transformation of my home but I will really miss my outdoor space.

The leaves are gone, the rain is cold and the winds are bone chilling. Even the weather is transforming, dramatically, before my very eyes. Really got me thinking about that word -- transform.

God has been transforming me into the likeness of Christ since the day I accepted him as Lord and Savior.....over 30 years ago now.

"And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."
2 Corinthians 3:18

There have been many, many times that transformation has brought me great joy. The first time I witnessed one of my grandchildren's births I was different from that day forward. Of course I watched my own three children come into the world but, honestly, I thought then of how my beloved and me had created such an exquisite human being. This time was different. I knew Jesus and I knew my sweet granddaughter was his creation. There's a difference. No, it doesn't diminish the joy I felt at the birth of my own children, ever, but I did not know the joy of praising God for such amazing provision. Transformation through joys, or those A-HA moments is incredible. If I had a choice, I'd choose it that way every time.

"Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."
Romans 8:17

In this earthly life, most adults know that life is full of ups and downs, good and bad, pretty and ugly. Just turn on your TV or browse the internet and you'll see goodness that tugs at your heart strings and bring tears to your eyes and you'll see evil that is beyond your ability to comprehend. I think we can all agree that we learn and are changed from the good times but also by hardship and sorrow.

"He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem. Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before its shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth."
Isaiah 53:3‭-‬4‭, ‬7

Jesus was a gentle, kind, compassionate, loving man though he wasn't a pushover, afraid of confrontation or afraid of speaking truth. He spoke truth in love. He didn't argue...in fact, even through suffering "he did not open his mouth". I cannot think of anyone I'd rather be like than Jesus. 

That means a lifetime of transformation and........... it means suffering.

Before my beloved was taken I used to pray everyday, "Draw me closer to you Lord". So often when we pray we don't actually realize what exactly we are praying for. For example, if you pray for patience as I once did, you'll realize that God doesn't just give you an extra helping of patience. NO! He places you in circumstances that require MORE patience!

When I prayed for God to draw me closer to him I had no idea how he would actually do it. I'm not saying he allowed my husband's death for that purpose I'm saying I now realize what a BOLD prayer that really was. It was a prayer for transformation. I have a friend that prays for God to "transform her (into Jesus' likeness) no matter what it takes." That's bold!

Though my transformation began 30 years ago, these last six have been such transforming years that at times I hardly recognize myself. Great suffering has been part of that transformation. I know a bit more about the building of my character through perseverance. And I know a bit more about peace through faith.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
Romans 5:1‭-‬5 

I'm pretty certain if I talked to 100 Christ followers a very high percentage would say they would prefer not to suffer. I'm also fairly certain that those that have suffered would say that they are different and they are definitely closer to God through that suffering. I know I am for sure. I keep thinking, if I didn't know Christ as Savior, than all the suffering would be for nothing. I can't imagine suffering that has no outcome other than having suffered.

Transformation is hard but it's profitable. If you know Jesus as Lord and Savior you are highly likely to be experiencing transformation through really hard circumstances. It is part of the journey but the reward? Eternal life!! This world is temporary!!

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:17‭-‬18

SO........

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2‭-‬4

God, I don't know all the answers. I'm not sure I want to. Actually, I'm sure I don't. The comfort I find in your Word is more than I could ask or imagine and so very necessary in a world where so many things don't make sense. Transformation is hard. Thank you that you are honing me to be like your Son. Thank you that this world isn't all there is. Thank you that suffering has purpose even when I don't like it or understand it. Thank you that I experience your goodness even in the midst of great sorrow. God, you call me to be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer. Lord, let it be as you say.

From where does contentment come

Contentment - the state of being happy and satisfied.

Since I've been fully retired (lacking any necessity for routine)......I've struggled. It's only been roughly ten weeks but it's been tough. I've prayed to serve the kingdom. Have my pleas fallen on deaf ears? Does God hear me? My desire? My need? Lord, there's just SO much time. I KNOW you hear my every word and more importantly you know my heart.

But sometimes what I know and what I tell myself are very different.

What I want and what God knows I need are often two very different things and THAT is why I'm struggling.

I have had three vacations in the last three months. For most it would be hard to understand why it's difficult to enjoy the downtime. The company has been fantastic and the beauty...oh the beauty.....of God's creation. So evident at the beach and in the desert....the waters of the sea and the mountains. So I began to petition, "God, use this time away to show me what contentment looks like in the everyday. Take me out of "normal" to show me what normal looks like. "

Scripture tells me to ask and it will be given, seek and I shall find and knock and the door will be opened. Scripture also says my God is faithful, "The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it."

One of my devotions this week said this:

"You my dear friend are fearfully and wonderfully made. You have been hand crafted by the same One who made the most beautiful springtime flowers, majestic evening sunsets and power of the ocean waves. You are not a mistake but have been planned since the beginning of time."

I cannot grasp my worthiness compared to the magnificence of the roaring ocean and the most majestic mountains I've ever seen. In the last ten weeks I've made this statement many, many times, "If I could truly grasp how much God loves me, how I live my life would be exponentially different." That is Truth! 

I continually fall into a pattern of wrong thinking.....I have to earn God's love, barter for his attention and beg for his affection. I KNOW those thoughts are the enemy!!! Isn't it interesting, just like Eve, I entertain that same serpent who said, "Did God REALLY say....." That very serpent, by the way, that has come to steal, kill and destroy. Even when I know, I am still tempted to think otherwise, to look at my circumstances and tell myself lies!

The thought of the enemy giving a high five to another successful plot to turn my eyes from Jesus should be enough to make my hair stand on end. To make me stand firm in the armor I already possess. I should be replacing my wrong thoughts with Truth. The Truth I know! The Truth I believe! The Truth I claim!

These vacations have been eye opening. They are showing me God's unending love. His unbelievable patience and his desire to turn my eyes from my circumstances to his love and provision for me.

I may only ever be a small ripple in a big pond. I may never be a big, powerful wave but God does not love me less. I am his perfect design. I never thought I'd have to be shown that and part of me wants to be ashamed. After all, how many times does he have to show me the outcome of a ripple is often very, very sweet. It's not that I don't recognize it and feel blessed by it...it's that instead of resting in the ripple I'm constantly looking for the wave.

God, thank you for vacations. Thank you for downtime. Thank you that I saw you in the waves and in the ripples, in the rain and in the sunshine, in the magnificence of the sea and the grandeur of the mountains. You created them for your glory and you created me for the same purpose: To glorify you and enjoy your presence forever.
I cannot fathom the depth of your love. By faith and trust I choose to follow you, rest in you and more than anything, to find peace in you that passes all understanding. Thank you for helping me to hear your voice in the downtime. Thank you for meeting me where I am and showing me who you are, immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine. Thank you that my contentment comes from you. Thank you that you love me unconditionally and nothing can separate me from you. I am so grateful.