Waiting & Expectation

Wait - to stay in place in expectation.

Expectation - a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

I've been thinking a lot about those two words lately. I'm finding full retirement isn't all it's cracked up to be. Shocked? I certainly am! What's not to like about having the time to do whatever you want whenever you want? The world is your oyster, right? If you're single......or a widow , you can just do your thing! GO.BE.YOU! It's all good!

I love this scripture. It gives me reason to ponder.

"In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly." Psalm 5:3

So...I stay in a place of expectation (waiting) with the strong belief that something WILL happen in the future. Okay.

Waiting is one of THE hardest things I'll ever do. Waiting can be easy... something simple like waiting for someone to pick me up for dinner (the expectation of having a great time of fellowship) or very, very hard...like waiting for God to reveal what retirement looks like to a widow. 

With expectation? 

Take another look at the definition of expectation. "The strong belief that something WILL happen. Hmmmm.... something....

Something - a thing that is unspecified or unknown.

I'm all about KNOWING. I want to KNOW. I want a plan! I want confirmation! So I wait with expectation of what! MY plan? MY desires? The fulfillment of MY dreams?

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. '” Jeremiah 29:11.

I don't make the plan. I don't have control over the plan. I can't see the plan.
Faith - strong belief or trust in someone or something.

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
Matthew 6:25-27

Being at the beach always, always, always finds me fascinated with the birds. I think about God's care of the creatures we rarely think about in everyday life. The birds, the squirrels, the chippys.....Am I not much more valuable than they?

There are so many verses in God's word about plans, expectation, waiting....faith.....trust.

PLANS

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." Proverbs 19:21

WAITING
"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

EXPECTATION
"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
Ephesians 4:19

TRUST
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."
Proverbs 3:5-6

Every single time I fret about my future I wish my first response would be to just do what I'm doing now. Hash it out! Go directly to the One true Source.

FAITH
"He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
Matthew 17:20

And where I sit in these wee hours this morning.... I'm praying that God will reveal to me these things:

1. How to wait.... patiently WITH confidence.

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13

2. My tears are not wasted.

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8 (NLT)

3. My sorrow is for a time.

".....weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

4. He WILL meet ALL my needs.

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work."
2 Corinthians 9:8

5. And the hardest...in the waiting I will see him..

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." Matthew 5:8

God, keep my heart pure before you. Transitions are hard. Change is hard. Sometimes it's just hard when I can't see what you're doing....even when I know you promise to work all things for good for those who love you and who are called according to your purpose. Sometimes....well a lot of the time...it's takes my heart a while to catch up. Thank you for meeting me where I'm at and thank you for your graciousness to be patient with me as I learn how to better trust and follow you. If faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains surely I can move mountains. Help me Lord to keep my eyes fixed on you, the author and perfector of faith. You are a mighty, awesome God and on this very early morning, a new day dawning I give you praise and glory.
Amen.

Accountable

Accountable - required or expected to justify actions or decisions; responsible.

I remember when I was a little girl and even when raising my kids that accountability was a big thing. If I got in trouble at school, I was in even bigger trouble at home. I raised my kids the same way. You are accountable for your actions, period. No excuses, no blaming, no shouting, "that's not fair!!" I was taught to "own it". Admit, say you're sorry, serve your punishment and don't do it again. Learn from your mistakes, don't repeat them. Writing it here, it still makes perfect sense.

I read this morning a heartbreaking story. The story of Judas. Though he walked with Jesus for three years he still did not repent for handing Jesus over to the Pharisees. I went digging for answers because those verses, while I found Judas' sorrow palpable, I never thought before about Jesus standing right there. I immediately thought, "Why didn't he fall to his knees in repentance?"

 A commentary I read this morning said this:

"Even after his dreadful deed, Judas could have fallen on his knees to beg God’s forgiveness. But he did not. He may have felt some remorse born of fear, which caused him to return the money to the Pharisees, but he never repented, preferring instead to commit suicide."

Judas was accountable for his actions. It goes on to say this:

"However, the fact that it was all foreordained does not excuse Judas or absolve him from the punishment he would suffer for his part in the drama. Judas made his own choices, and they were the source of his own damnation. Yet the choices fit perfectly into the sovereign plan of God. God controls not only the good, but also the evil of man to accomplish His own ends. Here we see Jesus condemning Judas, but considering that Judas travelled with Jesus for nearly three years, we know He also gave Judas ample opportunity for salvation and repentance."

He was accountable and so am I.

So what does that look like in my life? 

I live alone. I make my own decisions. I make my own choices. To whom am I accountable? In my mind I've been flying solo for six years now. I can get out of bed when I want to, eat what I want when I want, I can say yes or no to anything, I can work if I want to, I can sit and watch TV if I want to, I can say no to those I don't want to see, I can say yes or no to going somewhere or doing something if it does or does not suit my mood, desire or ambition. I can exercise if I care to, clean my house if I want to, cook if I want to.....you get the picture.

 It's really hard not having my accountability partner. After so many years of caring for and about one another, I'm not sure I'll ever feel like a whole person again. He was my other half. Two flesh become one....so when one is removed, at least for me, it feels like an amputation. I have to learn how to walk again. There is no one, in this day to day life, who will love me, care for me and hold me accountable like my beloved did. His thoughts, feelings and ways meant the world to me. I am really accountable to no one.....or am I?

This thought came to mind: Though I no longer have an earthly accountability partner, as I did with my beloved, my actions and the freedom to make my own choices can and will have consequences. If God is sovereign and I believe that he is, HE IS my TRUE accountability partner. From the day I ask Jesus to come into my heart and forgive my sins this is what he says:

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."
1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I am NOT my own. It matters not that I no longer have a spouse! Once saved, I am and always have been accountable to Christ. When I stand before him someday he will not ask me what my beloved and I did together. I will stand alone, accountable for ME.

"But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned. For everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.
Matthew 12:36-37

"If anyone, then, know the good they ought to do and doesn't do it, it is sin for them."
James 4:17

And the verse that really got me:

"For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."
2 Corinthians 5:10

And one more:

"For since creation of the world God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse."

Romans 1:20

Without excuse......

All who have professed Christ as Savior are without excuse, period! Matters not our earthly circumstances. It just doesn't. God is never, never, never going to love me less on a bad day or more on a good day. He has been so good to me. When I stand before my Abba Father on that glorious day he calls me home, my desire is to be right before him. 

Revelation 3:11 says, "I am coming soon. Hold fast what you have, so that no one may seize your crown."

I love what this commentary says about this verse:

That no one may take your crown: If they failed to hold fast, their crown might be given to another. The idea is not that it might be stolen by another, but given. This was not a crown of royalty, given because of royal birth. This was a crown of VICTORY. Jesus encouraged His saints to finish their course with victory, to “play the second half” just as strongly as they “played the first half.” 

“Never forget that the man most likely to steal your crown is yourself. ‘Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life’ (Proverbs 4:23). You are in no greater danger from anyone or anything than from yourself.” (Havner)

As always happens when I'm fretting, going to the word of God will keep me from leaning on my own understanding and he will set my path straight again. And just maybe each time he sets my path straight I'll have a bit more understanding of how to keep it straight. Bit by bit he is honing me and sharpening me. Am I listening, really listening? Am I keeping my eye on the prize? What a glorious day it really will be when I stand before God with my crown firmly in place....until I can, with a heart pounding joy, place it at his feet as he says,

"Well done good and faithful servant."

In the midst.....

In the midst - a period of time about the middle of a continuing act or condition
I'm sitting here in the quiet and I'd like to add "before it gets loud" but those really loud days have been waning for me for quite some time now. I can attest to the fact that when it is loud I desire peace and quiet and now the reverse...when it's so quiet I desire a little loud.
My beloved used to head to the lake for a bit of fishing and say, "so you can have some quiet time". He'd barely be out of the driveway and I'd be brewing a hot cup of tea with my book already in hand. I used to relish those precious hours of solitude.....when I'd get absorbed in a good novel and life seemed to stop just a bit.....just a bit. Now, solitude and time are in abundance. There's really no balance and there's now, no need to catch my breath. There was a time I would think about retirement and how wonderful it would be... morning tea (to his coffee), small talk, day planning, future planning, chores....no urgency, because the weekends would just blend into the weekdays....no rushing, no timelines....a peace we had worked towards, time we deserved......time.....a word I've come to cringe at. Shattered dreams that seek reckoning.

It's Monday morning and I'm coming off of three amazing days at my church's women's retreat. I was surrounded by 150 women who all came to hear the Word of God, to be loved, to corporately praise our Savior as one voice and for quiet time to hear Him speak to each of us in different ways, directly into our personal circumstances. Oh how I wish I could replicate that silence.... in my home. I wish I could so completely settle my heart before him as I did there.....in my home. I wish I could always feel his presence like I did those days....in my home.

Re-entry is really hard. In the midst of planning the retreat I packed my beloved's work boots, black paint and brushes ....and though aware, I was not sad. The boot marks across the table runners represented the steps of God's army. I was proud to have his boots come to use in that way. Never once thinking that seeing those runners would impact me the way that they did. Our speaker told the women our planning is personal. Didn't really think about that in the midst....but this morning, those boots prints are all I can think about.
Our retreat was "A Call to Arms - The Story of Joshua". The teaching was POWERFUL! God uses really hard circumstances as a means not the end. This question was difficult for me:
Almost always, it is the most painful parts of my life that stand out. How would my thoughts and feelings change as I consider the person God is working to create in me?

Time is difficult...I have an abundance of it. I feel like it's feast or famine. This week each day and evening is jam packed. Next week, nothing...and so it goes....On those days or in those weeks of famine I truly desire, at a heart level, to come before my God and inquire, "Lord, what would you have for me today?" Because I greatly desire it doesn't mean I ask for it. I think of this scripture:

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
Matthew 7:7

Ask, seek, knock.....I DON'T DO THAT!
".....how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
Matthew 7:11

At retreat there was a beautiful song, years old...I know the lyrics by heart...this stanza pricked my heart in a really powerful way:

"I wanna sign your name at the end of this day knowing that my heart was true....let my life song sing to you."

Do I truly live for Christ each moment of each day? Can I sign his name to the end of each day? Would He say, "well done" at the end of each day?
Again I cringe. But why? That's not God!

God desires... actually that's wrong...God PROVIDES peace and rest for my soul.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
John 14:2

Do not be afraid.....Hmmmm....I AM afraid. Afraid of disappointing my Creator....even when I KNOW that is wrong thinking. Please hear me, that is WRONG thinking. That is a false gospel!!! That is NOT the Jesus I know and love and that knows and loves me. That is the enemy that seeks to kill and destroy.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10

I may have LIFE!! A commentary says it this way:

The abundant life is above all the contented life, in which our contentment is based upon the fact that God is equal to every emergency and is able to supply all our needs according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus.” (Boice)

. Abundant life isn’t an especially long life.
· Abundant life isn’t an easy, comfortable life.
· Abundant life is a life of satisfaction and contentment in Jesus.

Life is a matter of degrees. Some have life, but it flickers like a dying candle, and is indistinct as the fire in the smoking flax; others are full of life, and are bright and vehement.” (Spurgeon)

Abundant earthly life comes when I fix my eyes on Him, not my circumstances.
Aloneness was mentioned at retreat. That hit a really vulnerable part of my being at this time in my life. During my time, in the quiet, on the beautiful shores of Lake Erie, I cried out....no, I didn't, I simply sobbed before him. There were no words and praise before him..... He knew my every need, my every desire...he simply says, "Come". And that's exactly what I did.

I opened my Bible and there before my eyes was 1 Peter 5:6-7

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

In due time...HIS timing not my own. He provides rest for my weariness IN the battle and he provides peace for my soul in the in between.

"For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Thank you God, that this world isn't all there is. Thank you that you are preparing a place for me and that you will come back for me and I will be with you in eternity. Thank you that you've shown me that with an eternal perspective, the momentary hardships of this earthly life are just that, momentary. Thank you for the correction that IF I ask, IF I seek, IF I knock you WILL open the door to a life more abundant than I can ask or imagine. Forgive me that I am so quick to wallow in my circumstances rather than seek the One who never leaves me, never fails me....never abandons me. I am never alone thanks be to God.