Peace

Waiting - the action of staying where one is or delaying action until a particular time or until something else happen.

Result - something obtained by calculation or investigation.

As I sit here I can barely believe the result I have been waiting for has now been sitting in my email for a solid 38 hours. I've been determined to wait until I get the phone call. I never want to read all the medical jargon attached to a result again. In my sensible brain I know that waiting will not change the result. And in my sensible brain I know that I have been reassured to a pretty high degree that I need not be concerned. In my sensible brain I know that viewing the result could relieve the anxiety and stress that has gripped me for nearly three weeks. Sensible brain, speak up!!! I'm waiting! 🤦🏻‍♀️

But, there's the other part of my brain....that's screaming..... "God, I KNOW YOU'RE THERE!!" Please take away the fear, grow me into a big girl, a brave girl. Supply to me ALL the courage I need to open a result I have absolutely no control over. Help me to understand what you're doing in me regardless of the result.

I know of people who firmly declare, "I know I am not going to die of cancer!" And they postpone testing until it's convenient. From where does that assurance come? I'd like to say it comes from God himself but......spoken directly into my ear....."that is not of God". Nothing, in his Word, guarantees we will not die of a specific illness or disease. Still, the confidence of that declaration? Perhaps the hashing out of wishful thinking? In their confidence there is no worry, anxiety or fear. In their confidence there is no lesson, there IS peace BUT there is not God. I'm not gonna lie, compare that perspective to what I'm feeling right now......yep, I want some of that. See from the earthly perspective waiting is entirely different from waiting on the Lord.

Waiting on the Lord is totally out of my control. Waiting on God does not guarantee good results. Waiting on God gives me something the world cannot.......God says,

"My peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

God's peace is different from worldly peace. Confession time......God, I want a bit of worldly peace. And the "do not be afraid part"........I want that too!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillippians 4:6-7

And when I get past my want of worldly desires and approach the throne of never-ending grace, my God, who promises to supply ALL my needs, speaks gently, directly to my heart. He says, "Dianna, open the email. I will give you the courage. I will give you the strength. The result really does not matter. I am with you. You are never alone. Give the fight to me, whatever it looks like.

"So do not fear, for I am with you;  

                                            do not be dismayed, for I am your God.    

                                                 I will strengthen you and help you;
                                   I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

Soooo I open the email.....and.......it was merely my notification of my next appointment to remove stitches. Really Lord? It's the weekend! So the waiting continues. I'm not mad.......I may have proclaimed an, "Are you KIDDING me?" but that was because I had spent 38 hours ruminating about something that wasn't even there!!!!!! See, when I don't trust in the Lord, there is NO peace. Back to John 14:27 "I do not give as the world gives." Earthly peace would simply mean the result is good therefore I have peace, a settled heart. The peace that God gives is not based on the result. There is peace regardless of the result. Earth WILL pass away....I will someday depart...but the peace that passes all understanding comes from knowing I will live in eternity with my Lord and Savior. Nothing on this earth can provide that kind of peace. If the result is a good one, something else is likely right behind it. I'm so thankful for a forever, unchanging God. As I conclude this on yet another cool, crisp morning I'm reminded, very clearly, that God's timing is not my timing.

I believe with my whole heart that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment in time even if it's hard. I don't have to fully understand the "why" but understand these truths:

* I am not in control
* God's timing is perfect
* There is purpose in the waiting
* The result doesn't matter

Waiting - the action of staying where one is.....

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

God, today is a new day! The sun is rising, the birds are singing, the squirrels are playing, the breeze is still and the trees are praising in all their glory. You are honored and glorified.

If the stars were made to worship so will I
If the mountains bow in reverence so will I
If the oceans roar Your greatness so will I
For if everything exists to lift You high so will I
If the wind goes where You send it so will I
If the rocks cry out in silence so will I
If the sum of all our praises still falls shy
Then we’ll sing again a hundred billion times
(Beautiful song - 100 Billion Times)

"Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." Psalm 27:14

Meaningless!!

Good Morning! It's Saturday!

I woke in the wee hours of the morning and as usual my thoughts started going and sleep evaded me....my go to, calm your mind and thoughts comfort, is always God's Word......always.....My reading through the Bible in a year began in Ecclesiastes today. One of my favorite books of the Old Testament. Solomon is the richest man of his time. He begins a search for happiness by using his money to buy everything you can think of.....from palaces to.....wives........Those who know the ending to the story know that.....hmmmm....for those who don't, I won't be a spoiler....at least not right now. Pick up a Bible and read it for yourself. You won't be disappointed!

You'd think Solomon and his fortune would be so unrelatable to the average middle class person today. But not so! You don't have to be Jeff Bezos to search for happiness. Your search may not be going into space in a rocket but certainly you could wish for something you don't have now that you think might make you happy. I know I have. After my beloved was killed......I was crushed. I bought ANYTHING that would remotely give me an instant drop of "happiness". In my resonable brain I knew that would never happen. In my deep sadness of my soul it was a boost of sunshine, even if temporary. It was so painful, it didn't take much.....certainly not millions. If money could buy my beloved back from the dead I would have begged, borrowed and stolen and......I'd still do it to this day...... but slowly, like Solomon, I begin to understand that nothing, absolutely nothing can buy happiness that is permanant....not in this life, here on earth.......

These last 10 days have been some of the most stressful since "that" day. All the money in the world couldn't alleviate what I've had to live through. The sheer stress of it all....if I could purchase a magic pill that would erase it? Not dull it, not escape from it, but take it away. Can money buy it? Nope! Could money prevent additional scans? Could money prevent surgery and biopsy? I will acknowledge that what I've been going through would be fairly routine for some. They would hear what the doctors said differently. They may focus on the positive. They would hear "low risk" while I heard "we want to make sure it's not...........". We are all different. What is huge to me may be very small to someone else. What we long for and dream about is unique to each of us.

I absolutely love Solomon's opening words. Maybe this will peak your interest to read if you haven't.

"What do people gain from all their labors at which they toil under the sun? Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever. The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises. The wind blows to the south and turns to the north; round and round it goes, ever returning on its course. All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full. To the place the streams come from, there they return again. All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing. What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun."
Ecclesiastes 1:3‭-‬9 NIV

Solomon proclaims it all to be, "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless!" (NIV) Another translation calls it, "Vanity of vanities! All is vanity!" (ESV)

"I tried cheering myself with wine, and embracing folly—my mind still guiding me with wisdom. I wanted to see what was good for people to do under the heavens during the few days of their lives. I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them. I made reservoirs to water groves of flourishing trees. I bought male and female slaves and had other slaves who were born in my house. I also owned more herds and flocks than anyone in Jerusalem before me. I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. I acquired male and female singers, and a harem as well—the delights of a man’s heart. I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me. I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my labor, and this was the reward for all my toil. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 2:3‭-‬11 NIV

And as I walked through these last ten days, while very, very scared, I, for the first time, didn't turn to the pleasures of this earth and momentary happiness.....I turned to my Father who is with me now and will be waiting for me with open arms when I depart from this earth. He is solid. He is the promise. He is lasting. He is forever.

While I can't relate to the riches of some.....I can certainly relate to searching for relief from pain, believing that money can buy happiness, that instant gratification is lasting, that striving and striving to be something I'm simply not....yes, I can relate. But then Solomon says these words:

SPOILER ALERT!!

"Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind. For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil."
Ecclesiastes 12:13‭-‬14 NIV

And hearing those words brings comfort to my heart and a rest unlike anything I could ever conjure up on my own. Fear God? Yes, a deep reverence for his awesomeness. A genuine respect for what he's done for me. Keeping his commandments? Never perfectly because I acknowledge I will never be perfect in this life but yes, continually, seeking him and holding fast to his promises will help me to be the best witness I can be. This is my duty, my job, my commitment. Each new day will bring it's challenges but I have an advocate that dwells within me to hold me up, who is my strength....my light in the darkness. Today I'm really thankful that God directed me to read Ecclesiastes and that Solomon blazed a path that shows me from beginning to end why I'm seated exactly where I should be right now.

Have a beautiful day! Be the hands and feet of Jesus!

❤❤❤🖐🖐👣👣

Insidious

Insidious - proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects; intended to entrap or beguile: an insidious plan. stealthily treacherous or deceitful: an insidious enemy. operating or proceeding in an inconspicuous or seemingly harmless way but actually with grave effect: an insidious disease.

YIKES! I was thinking a lot about that word when I was, AGAIN, weeding my walkway. I thought it was taken care of......Nearly every crevice filled with weeds. How does this happen? You clean it all up, nice and tidy you think you're done, and then BAM, they are back like a good riddance "friend".

I'm fairly certain there is nothing in this life that I am not meant to learn from. Some may say pulling weeds is merely a responsiblity of being a homeowner.....the natural rhythm of taking care of your home. In my mind, viewing it that way, makes it become a chore that I simply don't want to do. I just don't like it. I don't want to do it. I'm pretty passionate about that view, MY view. As I was spending time with the Lord, drinking my first cup of tea I had a thought, "It's a beautiful morning, a cool breeze. I could get at that walkway." And though my arthritic fingers SCREAMED and my back was squawking, I actually enjoyed it. Why? Because I asked God to join me and I asked him to show me exactly why I was doing what I was doing. "God, if every step is designed and ordered by you, what is it that you are doing....here in the weeds?" See, even though God is always present, I don't have to invite him in.

"In their hearts humans plan their course, bu the Lord establishes their steps."
Proverbs 16:9

I baby and pamper my beautiful Hibiscus tree. I've never taken care of a plant as I've taken care of her over these last six years. Though I water her, prune her, feed her and make sure she gets lots of sunshine, nothing grows or blooms before it's time. From bud to flower is often a month or more. Nothing I do, though necessary, actually speeds up the process. Reminds me this verse:

"So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God who makes things grow."

1 Corinthians  3:7-9

GOD causes the growth.

I have not at all found that to be true with weeds. They need NOTHING. I DO nothing. It matters not if it's hot or cold, wet or dry. You can pull them in the evening and they are back by morning. Weeds are insidous! "seemingly harmless but with grave effect" hmmmm.....

How are weeds harmful?

"Weeds are harmful in many ways. ... Reduction in crop yield:- Weeds compete with crops for water, nutrients and light. Being hardy and vigorous in growth habit, they grow faster then crops and consume large amount of water and nutrients, thus causing heavy losses in yields."

If I think about myself I ask these questions:

*Am I like the Hibiscus? Do I allow God to nourish and feed me? Do I wait until it is my time to "bloom"? God's timing?

OR

*Am I like the weed? Am I impulsive? Do I go ahead of God and plan my own steps? Create my own path?

Following God's plan, I am beautiful and will flourish in his timing. He will water me and prune me. ...he will shine on me like the noonday sun.

Creating my own path leads to bad choices that lead to.....well, more bad choices. See, my own way, creating my own path, becomes an insidious pathway where all of MY wants and desires appear to be something they are not. Seemingly harmless? I don't think, as I sit here today, I can think of a time when I went out ahead of God's plan that the result has been what God intended. That doesn't mean it was a terribly awful experience. See, that's how weeds are......there's not immediate harm.....but one choice with an okay outcome gives me confidence that I can make other choices on my own.....and then more confidence....until I'm operating as if I don't need God at all. And THAT is very dangerous thinking. Makes my heart pound just typing it here.

If you don't know Christ as Savior, you may be rolling your eyes OR you may be saying, "I want what she has!!!" Those who have a realtionship with Jesus KNOW exactly what I'm saying...those who don't, no judgement at all, they just don't know....Ahhhh but they CAN!!

"If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."
Romans10:9

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast."
Ephesians 2:8-9

I don't know what I would do without him! As I am sitting at Jesus' feet this morning preparing my heart and mind for surgery a bit later, I am praising Him for his amazing provision...his protection....his strength....his courage....his POWER...that has sustained me through an incredibly scary week. For the first time in my 63 years, I didn't turn to family and friends first...I turned to my God who promises to be my power in my weakness. "When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you."

Lord, I don't know what I would do without you. I am so thankful that you wooed me all those years ago and that I call you Savior today. As I sit here enjoying the coolness, the sunshine and the quiet I look up to see a pair of cardinals frolicking in trees and I'm reminded of my beloved....of his absence.....I'm reminded that though he's not here, you are. You will never leave me nor forsake me. Thank you for reminding me that this world isn't all there is. And thank you for that beautiful picture at the concert the other night. That one day, thousands will be on their feet praising you forever.....such a beautiful, amazing picture of eternity.

Trust

Good morning! It's Tuesday!

Nobody and I mean NOBODY likes to see the word "mass" in a medical report let alone read it with your own eyes before your doctor even gets the report and calls you. But it happened to me and I'm sure it's happened to many. Law states that as soon as a result is available the patient has to be notified. I know now that if the report had reached my doctor first the message would have been greatly tempered but it did not and the word "mass" flooded my mind for a solid week. Suffice it to say I was horrified. Suffice it to say I may never open those messages again........

Some of my first thoughts were:

▪︎How do I wait well?
▪︎How do I use the faith that I have to display to others my trust in my God?
▪︎How do I become a great witness for the kingdom amidst a scary trial.....even if the ending is not what I want it to be?
▪︎How do I praise my Jesus IN the storm?
▪︎How do I experience healthy concern NOT needless fear?
▪︎How do I NOT beat myself up because I WAS afraid?

See, when you walk with the Lord, and you desire him and his righteousness, you want to walk worthy. Don't ask me to explain it.....it's just the way it is as a believer. Do I do it right all the time? Absolutely not! Am I flawed? Of course! I am a sinner saved by grace! But the desire of my heart is to be like Jesus. If you know him you know what I'm saying....if you don't know him, my prayer is that you would seek to know him.

So I had to reconcile some thoughts. Dig into God's word to answer some questions I had. Every answer I will ever need in this life is in God's Word!

Fear is NOT sin! Over and over I repeated, "When I am afriad, I put my trust in you." Then, "But what if it's bad? Really bad?" "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." "But God, I can't do this!" "I will strengthen you and uphold you." And over and over again I applied God's Word to my concern and over and over He said, "My child, you CAN'T handle this alone....remember, MY POWER is made PERFECT in YOUR weakness."

Then he (Jesus) said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

Matthew 26:38

Jesus wept.....

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

Matthew 26:39

Jesus petitioned....

He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”

Matthew 26:42

Jesus begged....

Then he went away and prayed for the third time, saying the same thing.

Matthew 26:44

I am so grateful for Jesus' humanness. I beat myself up over and over about my feelings. I'm going to have them. I need to trust as I allow them to wash over me...and then take a step.

Ahhh....then take a step! As I take a step I begin to ask different questions:

*Do I become paralyzed in my fear? Unable to act?
*Does my fear control me?
*Do I remove myself from fellowship?
*Do I hide from the world?
*What about my time with my Savior? What did that look like in the midst of my suffering?

And Uncertainty? How did I allow her or did I allow her to dictate my thoughts and actions? Did Perseverate come back and threathen my peace?

As I fell to my knees in the dressing room yesterday, tears flowing freely, I realized that praising him for the outcome that I wanted, being thankful not angry with mixups that created such a hard week, being grateful for staff that were kind and compassionate were all part of God's plan for me this last week in this year of 2021. And NOT because the outcome was what I prayed for but because I heard him say, "Dianna, I am with you always, even to the very end of the age." God doesn't say don't ever be afraid....he says WHEN you are afraid.....

Luke 22:44 says, "And being in anguish, he (Jesus) prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground." 

Do you know this is a real condition? Hematohidrosis is a rare condition in which a human being sweats blood. Acute fear and intense mental contemplation are the most frequest causes.....WOW! This was JESUS! But here's the real lesson for me.....Jesus, in his fear did NOT turn from his Father in heaven. In my extreme fear I did not turn from my Father in heaven.

Father in heaven, thank you for the perfect example of Jesus. Following him is never disappointing.....I admit sometimes it is hard though. For when I am afraid I will put my trust in you. Jesus did and day by day as you take me through the fire I am being refined to be more like him. I humbly admit that while I'm in the fire I don't like it. But I'm so thankful that after the storm, you give perspective and insight so that I can always see where you work. Even down to the locker key the nurse chose for me....Lord, you knew she'd pick #12...my beloved's jersey number his entire life. The number my grandsons now carry on for their Papa. And the tech that looked just like a young women from church who has a beautiful personality and a really caring heart. Who mentioned you and how you were with me. If these things don't happen for divine reason I know of no other explanation. Who'd have thought I'd be beyond grateful for the minor surgery to come. Only you God, only you.

❌⭕❌⭕❤❤❤👣👣👣

Waiting....

Meet my new "friend" Uncertainty 🙄

Uncertainty - refers to epistemic (nature, origin, scope) situations involving imperfect or unknown information.

In other words....you just don't know.

I was sitting here thinking of uncertain situations. Uncertain outcomes. I began to think of different circumstances I've been in and the difference Uncertainty plays in them. When I had my babies you didn't find out the gender beforehand. You just waited until they were born and the doctor proclaimed loudly, "It's a......."! The uncertainty of girl or boy didn't matter. When I was a kid and was uncertain what "Santa" would bring for Christmas the uncertainty caused great excitement and joyful anticipation. When I lost a tooth the uncertainty of what, not if, the tooth fairy would deliver would cause a good kind of restless sleep. I could think of many, many circumstances where imperfect and unknown information didn't really matter.

Hmmm.......

Your finances are a mess, your child is sick, your car is in need of repair, you lost your job, the test result was not what you anticipated....now Uncertainty takes a place that causes very different emotions. Worry, fear, anxiety, disappointment, anger, hurt, pain, dread.....(insert your go to emotion) insidiously creep in and now Uncertianty has taken her place on the throne. A few weeks back I wrote about my "friend" Perseverate.....well, my new pal Uncertainty, walks closely with her. And if I'm not really careful, and sometimes I'm not, I can become absolutely paralyzed by both. They are not the kind of "friends" you want to surround yourself with. Just sayin....

GOD USES TRIALS......I know it! I've experienced it! I acknowledge that I've grown from them! Yet, I still allow Uncertainty, the unknown, to cloud my decisions, my judgement, my opinions, my desires......did you notice all of those "mys". I KNOW the RIGHT thing to do in the waiting.....when I do it my way I invite Perserverate and Uncertainty to join me....when I do it God's way, I invite Jesus in to carry the burden and though scared or anxious, with a healthy necessary concern (not needless worry), I step (even if it's one very small step) out in faith that no matter what the resolution he will sustain me. Faith as big as a mustard seed can move mountains, yes?

James 1:2 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Gets me everytime.....not IF but WHEN you face trials.....There is no doubt in this world you WILL have trouble.....and PURE JOY about the trouble? What is that about?

1 Thessalonians 3:3 says, "Timothy, who is our brother and God's fellow worker in spreading the gospel of Christ, to strengthen and encourage you in your faith, so that NO ONE would be UNSETTLED by these TRIALS.

Curious if anyone else has a list of their greatest fears? I only have two. As I sit her today, one of those two greatest fears stands in the midst of my new friend Uncertainty. There is NOTHING I can do but wait. I cannot orchestrate an ending....I cannot wish it away.....I cannot change it. What CAN I do? I NEED to do something! Anything? The need to be able to control the situation is REAL! But I cannot...that is just plain hard. I suspect I'm not alone in this thinking....where desperation slips in and is countered with fiery swords over the doorway of resolution. So what can I do? What I CAN do is stand on the promises of God.... which I KNOW..... but honestly, is hard.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillippian 4:6-7

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

I'd like to say God's word erases all fear and anxiousness.....in some it might, I'd like to be a part of that "some"...but I am me. Unique in design. My relationship with Jesus is unique. He knows me, obviously better than I know myself. He says, "I am with you during the waiting...I WILL uphold you." So instead of lying and saying there is no fear I'll say this: I refuse to allow fear to paralyze me. I refuse to allow fear to be cause for bad decision making. I refuse to allow Uncertainty to dampen my witness. I refuse to allow Uncertainty to steal my joy. I hate how I feel right now. HATE IT! I want it gone...but it is not to be....not today.....

So how do I honor God, the Lover of my soul, the Keeper of my heart, the Protecter of my mind? How do I hold fast to his promises that he will never leave nor forsake me, that he is with me until the end of time, that he will strengthen me, uphold me, carry me, walk beside me, fill me to overflowing with courage, he will stand FOR me? And as I sit on my beautiful new porch this morning listening to the birds chirping and the gentle breeze toss the trees to and fro I'm going to remember how he takes great care of his creation and even more so, me!

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" Matthew 6:26

Lord, I know that Perseverate and Uncertainty are Satan in disguise. I'm not sure why I continually invite them back in. They are crafty and smooth and seek to steal my joy at every turn. God, in your power, would you tear them away from my thoughts. Settle my heart like no one else can. Waiting is hard but I desire to wait well. Would you please wait with me? Would you show me your presence and give me the eyes to see through Uncertainty at the greater things you are working in and through me? Thank you for the gift of writing my thoughts and feelings down. I never saw it as a gift until now. But you knew that writing them down is a way for me to speak the fears and then allow you to apply the healing balm to my soul. I'm grateful Lord, truly humbled.