Day Two in the Wilderness

 

To the church in Ephesus.......

"Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first." Revelation 2:4-5 NIV 

I've backtracked from yesterday where I talked about being lukewarm (To the church in Laodicea) in Chapter 3 to The church of Ephesus in Chapter 2. After having looked closely at these two churches I'm convinced that there is a need to start at the beginning. After all, if the angel instructed John to write to each of the seven churches it would be reasonable to assume there is something to learn from each. Each morning as I pray for God to direct my path  it's becoming clearer that my 40 day wilderness journey may just be spent in the book of Revelation. While puzzled and surprised I also excited. But we shall see, each day is a new day and each day will bring it's own purpose. 

When I first read this passage I wondered if somehow it would pertain to the Christian walk, distinctively MY walk with Jesus. 

"Yet I hold this against you" - The Ephesian church had persevered and had patience (vs3) ....they labored for the sake of Christ....by all outward appearances they were a solid church. 

"They worked hard, had great outreach and protected the integrity of the gospel." (Enduring Word Commentary)

But they had lost their fervor, their passion.....they were doing all the right things. Their APPEARANCE was above reproach. But INSIDE?              

"You have forsaken you first love" - Did they leave their love for God? Did they leave their love for one another? A bit of both - since the two are really interconnected or should be. 

I love this quote: "You can't say you love God and not love His family, and you can't really love His family without loving Him first." (Enduring Word Commentary)

Everyone's salvation story is different. Some have a really powerful "I felt slapped in face" experience. Some, like myself, have a definite calling but it's a gradual wooing....you KNOW there's something but you're not quite sure....you follow because it's a strong prompting.....you just do it because, well for me, when you're in a really hard place, you want out. Out from your circumstances, from pain.....and even if the leading doesn't alleviate the cause of your strife,  instinctively you know this is the only way.

As God leads and you begin to follow, He begins to work His purpose into your very being. You can't believe it! It's amazing! You're ALL IN! You want everyone to know what's happening to you, how your heart has been quickened! It's exciting! You can't get enough! You study your Bible and go to church.....you get involved, you volunteer for every ministry! You are SO excited to serve that you try everything in order to serve where you best fit. It's a time of glorious awakening. I can't help but think how glorified God is! How much joy it brings to Him! As one of my devotionals said, "it brings a smile to His face"..... and for us, we fall to our knees in THE greatest thanksgiving beyond ANYTHING we've ever experienced.....EVER! 

The way I see it (and I speak from my own experience) there are two things that can happen or "WILL" happen. 

• Do all the right things....go to church, go to Bible study, maintain a flawless outside appearance....but inside my heart is just not in it

• Become sedentary, lazy, the excitement fades, it's all familiar.......

     OR I CAN experience this:

• A deepening relationship with my Savior that becomes more intimate, better with time. The Enduring Word commentary puts it this way:

"A couple that has been married for a long time doesn't always have the same thrill of excitement they when they first dated. That is to be expected, and is fine --- IF that excitement has matured into a depth of love that makes it even better than the first love."

Ahhhhh to have that relationship with Jesus. Its what I want. My hearts desire. To know Him so intimately that words aren't necessary. So deep. So beautiful. So exciting.

I am already gaining SO much from my journey in the wilderness. That's not to say that two days in I don't miss my connection. How is little Katelyn doing with her cancer treatment? How is Franz in his struggle to recover from a devastating skiing accident? Then I realize that even when I don't know day to day how they are doing I can still pray for them! My role is to pray. I don't know them personally nor their families. Though I don't know their progress, I can still pray! How precious! Look to what you DO know Dianna! Don't dwell on that you don't!

God, thank you. You are amazing!

 

Day One in the Wilderness - Part 2

 For some reason God has been directing me towards the book of Revelation for a few days now. Definitely not an easy book to understand but, when obedient with persistence, he has shown me something I never actually knew about very familiar verses.

Revelation 3:14-18 says this:

“To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:

These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God’s creation. ¹⁵ I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! ¹⁶ So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. ¹⁷ You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. ¹⁸ I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.

My intent here is not to be a Bible scholar/teacher….always, always, when studying God’s word I want to be instructed. I want to be changed. I’m beginning to realize how much the history of the times means so much to what the scripture is actually talking about. 

I’ve heard context, context, context so many times…I’m understanding better (I know, it takes a long time for some) why it’s really important. Verses 15 and 16 have always been powerful verses to me. But today, grabbing a commentary for deeper meaning (correct meaning) I was blown away at first and then deeply moved. I knew I never wanted to be lukewarm. 

To be lukewarm (neither hot nor cold) is to be apathetic, complacent……Apathetic is defined as showing or feeling no interest, concern or enthusiasm….No Lord, not apathetic…..But then Jesus says, “I wish you were either one or the other!” Never thought of it before but why wouldn’t Jesus say, “I want you to be hot”? My thinking, “On fire for the Lord”.  But why the cold? Really fascinating….

Both hot and cold were positive in context. Hieropolis (ancient Greek city) had hot springs and Colossae (city in Ephesaus) had cool springs. Hieropolis represented HEALING hot springs while Colossae represented REFRESHING cool springs. Both are POSITIVE attributes. To be lukewarm meant you were neither. Their spiritual apathy was that of tepid water. 

The real focus here is to NOT be lukewarm. Either be a HEALING hot spring or a REFRESHING cold spring. What that looks like day to day in my life I’m not sure. But I have cause for further pondering. How does it translate to my journey? I’m not sure of that either. What I do know is this:

1. ·    I DON’T want to be lukewarm
2. ·    I can pray and ask God to show me what it looks like day to day
3. ·    I can have confidence that he WILL do just that
4. ·    I can consciously stay focused to his leading and NOT leaning on my own            understanding
5. ·    I can ponder what it looks like to be either HEALING or REFRESHING in the lives of those I love and in the lives of those that cross my path

Healing – alleviate, assuage, palliate, relieve, ease, help

Refreshing – revitalizing, reviving, restoring, enlivening, energizing, inspiriting

 I don’t think I can begin to comprehend what God is going to do in this 40 day journey but if today, Day 1, is an indicator, then I’m all in!

God, today, help me to see those you place in my path…rather a stranger or a dear friend or a beloved family member. Help me to REALLY see them. Help me understand what the attributes of HEALING and REFRESHING really mean in the day to day journey for those who proclaim you and love you. I’m listening….

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day One in the Wilderness - Part 1

 

It's been a couple of years since I've posted to my blog so I did not realize that I could share my posts from my blog over to Facebook without actually getting on Facebook. If you respond on the blog I'll see your responses. 😁

Yesterday I savored my time, my last day for 40, on social media. I’m not gonna lie I was beginning the mourning process. I was reminded each time I picked up my phone that tomorrow would be different. I said at least 100 times (not really THAT many), “this time tomorrow there will be no opening that app”

Last evening I opened Facebook and I was absolutely delighted to see that my nephew, whom I ADORE, got engaged! Since he lives in California, I rarely get to see him. Social media is our major mode of communication. I was so thankful I got to see it. No doubt I would have heard about it from family but seeing the pictures and them sharing their hearts…well it is simply different. 

I couldn’t help but think, at that moment, God may not have asked me to give up my love of communication through social media had I been even close to responsible with my time. Then again, he may have. I am not having a pity party……. I am accountable….. everyday I was so aware at the amount of time wasted scrolling endlessly. Now, here I am. But, like a child, I need to learn boundaries…..and I will. Funny isn’t it that no one knows. This is between me and God. And who would know if I was even on Facebook if I was careful not to like a post. But again, this is between me and God. HE would know and that matters to me. 

So how might I spend my freed up time? Right away the verse that came to mind is: 

Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” 

Webster's definition of a disciple is this: "a pupil or follower of any teacher or school. A true disciple is not just a student or a learner, but a follower: one who applies what he has learned. Thus, a true disciple will ask, "What would Jesus do?" 

Honestly, I don’t know what that looks like for me. I have some thoughts, but…. 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, 

neither are your ways my ways,” 

declares the LORD. 

As the heavens are higher than the earth,

 so are my ways higher than your ways 

and my thoughts than your thoughts.” 

Why that particular verse came to mind….only God knows. But if he intends something to come from it, he will show me no doubt. Patience Dianna, patience. 

Ahhhhh…..and that is just where I’m determined to be. Waiting patiently……..In HIS will…not my own. 

This first day is HARD. I miss seeing the beautiful pictures in “What do you see from your window?” I’m wondering what great crochet project someone is working on in “Yarn Wars”. Ill miss the sweet treats my daughter in law is whipping up at “Sarah Mae’s Bakery”. What’s “Roo Conkle” doing? What beautiful picture is Priscilla painting in “Watercolor Therapy”? Funny, FUNNY memes from Teri Barry! She finds the best ones and I laugh out loud nearly every day! Yep! Day one is hard……..I’d really be bummed if I didn’t believe, deep in my heart, that God has great things planned for me. 

So here I go…….. 

“Today, if you hear his voice, 

do not harden your hearts 

as you did in the rebellion.”

No rebellion, no hardened heart….no sadness, no dismay, no arguing, no grumbling simply this: 

“Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!

 Remember the wondrous works that he has done” 

AND 

Whatever you (I) do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men….. 

Day 1 – Adjusting….. 

Praying in the wilderness…. 

Praying I can be the hands and feet of Jesus.

Posted to Facebook on Tuesday, February 16, 2021

Good Morning! It’s Tuesday…..FAT Tuesday! I’m down with that! Thinking I might just indulge in a pancake or two…..errr….or three! 🥞 In all seriousness though it is the day before the season of Lent begins. Many years ago, as a practicing Catholic, Lent was a time to give up something, or to make a sacrifice, or deny self. Since I was an adult I took it quite seriously….not just chocolate, or a toy, or sweets…but a character building action. I’m swiftly approaching my 18th anniversary at my current church and still during the season of Lent, I feel compelled to really ponder on Jesus’ time in the wilderness.  Lent is not mentioned in the Bible, but is characterized like this:

“Lent is connected with the 40-day fast that Jesus undergoes (Mark 1:13; Matthew 4:1–11; Luke 4:1–13).  

And this…..

Lent, in the Christian church, a period of penitential preparation for Easter. In Western churches it begins on Ash Wednesday, six and a half weeks before Easter, and provides for a 40-day fast (Sundays are excluded), in imitation of Jesus Christ's fasting in the wilderness before he began his public ministry.

As the Easter season approaches, I have been praying and asking God to search my heart and show me what it is that keeps me from best serving His kingdom. In the past that has meant denying myself indulgence in things like food and material possessions. He has shown me many, many times that self-control is not my strong suit and admittingly so, in some areas I have none. So in these last weeks, I’ve prayed, God spoke, I heard…didn’t like what I heard…kept praying…..surely he would show me something else…..but no…..same thing…..and I’m resistant…..surely not THAT Lord…….

To some social media is not a big deal….quite a few I know hate it, quite a few have fled from it, quite a few pop in and out…..I actually embrace it. I love to honor God with it. I love to share my life’s journey. God is doing amazing things in the lives of those who love him and desire to be “grown” by Him, to share what He is doing gives glory to His name. So, I shamelessly put myself out there and share how God is growing me through trials of great sorrow and times of great joy, restoration, and victory. I argue with Him, complain to Him, wrestle with Him, barter with Him and after a little while (or years) He gently (even when I behave as a rebellious child) shows me where I’ve gone astray, where I’m lacking, where my path needs straightened, where I’m stuck in wrong thinking, where I’ve leaned on my own understanding. When I'm in HIS will I lack nothing... consequently when I'm not I lack everything. 🤦🏻‍♀️ If you don’t know Jesus as your personal Savior, you may find it hard to understand how correction actually brings great joy. How new understanding soothes the tired and weary soul. How restoration is a healing balm.  He carries me when I am weak, loves me when my heart hurts and rejoices with me in my accomplishments and my turnings. He IS my best friend, the ultimate lover of my soul and my greatest encourager.  I can’t help but share because if it wasn’t actually happening TO me and IN me I wouldn’t believe it myself. Simply put, I want others to have what I have.
Soooooo, when I hear Him saying, “Facebook is taking too much of your time” I cannot argue...he is NOT wrong.  

I think of the little girl with the tiny teddy bear. Jesus is asking her to hand it to Him..…she says, “but I love it”. What she cannot see behind His back is a GIANT teddy bear ready to replace the tiny one she is holding so tightly in her hands. But she must give up the one before she sees what it is He has for her. He has SO much more for her……immeasurably more. I am that little girl too. Holding so tightly to that which I deem to hold great importance. She must be obedient to his calling and open her hands FIRST and I must too.

I am excited to see what God has planned for me in my 40-day fasting from social media and I am excited to share on April 5th what I already know will be amazing. I must remember God wastes nothing. He will not waste this time either.

God Bless you all.

Have a beautiful day today and the 40 days to come.
Be the hands and feet of Jesus.
❌⭕❌⭕️️️
️️️️

Sorrow

 

 

"Sorrow makes us move more slowly and considerately and examine our motives and attitudes. It opens within us the capacities of the heavenly life, and it makes us willing to set our capacities afloat on a limitless sea of service for God and for others."

Streams in the Desert

January 20

Interesting (not surprising) that I just had a conversation last night on this very thought with someone who has also lost their husband.

*Where did our energy go? 

*Where did our spice for life go? 

*Why can't we get it in gear? 

*What can't we find joy in what we used to? 

How we desire to be "whole" again but what does it look like? In the early days of grief NONE of those questions are asked nor answers desired. The need to get through the next devastating minute of your new reality is a top priority. 

And I can speak for myself now, approaching six years out from my great loss, that that time of slowing down is a necessary tool for healing. 

*It is not something someone can do for you. 

*There is no timeline. 

*Each journey is different. 

And just like this quote says, there is much examination of one's heart. Yes, examination of motives and attitudes. Grief takes oneself deep and sometimes dirty to places we've either not visited before or places we've visited and slammed the door shut. 

Healing, NOT moving on, NOT forgetting, does happen. I can't actually explain it. I still cry...I still desperately miss my beloved...I always will but the reality is he is not here.....

But God...... in his infinite wisdom, has renewed my spirit. Through great pain and sorrow he has taken me on a journey that I never asked for nor wanted. And in all of that He has shown me renewed purpose. A beautiful gift from an amazingly loving God. This gift is not instantaneous. It is a working out until the moment it is delivered. For me, I was in my car at a red light. It was bittersweet.

Though I cried all the way home a heavy blanket was lifted from me that day. I think of the butterfly that actually has to struggle greatly to emerge from its cocoon. The struggle is necessary to pump strength into it's wings. Without the struggle it could not fly. Oh but after the struggle it's beauty is great, it's freedom so worth it.

God, the struggle was really difficult and I suspect I will have times in the future when I will revisit that prison of great pain. But I acknowledge,  I am no longer the same and I can't say I still don't wish and desire my old life but, I am so very grateful for the new life you are laying out before me. Help me to remember that I am not who I think I am....I am who YOU say I am.
 

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Good afternoon on this crazy Ohio weather day. Lots of snow and then sleet and then freezing rain and then….still waiting….just rain. That is Ohio! A cold, yucky day on the outside yet warm and cozy on the inside gave me precious time to drink warm tea and sit at the feet of Jesus. I definitely had a plan for today:

1. Quiet time with the Lord
2. Treadmill
3. Shovel driveway
4. Get cleaned up for the day
5. Grandson’s basketball game
6. Grandson’s soccer game
7. Out to lunch with my daughter’s family

ALL of that by 1:00!! Quite an ambitious plan!! As I sit here at 11:42 I’m thankful that the above list did not become a checklist of just things to be done. When it was clear that five, six and seven were not going to happen I brewed an extra cup of tea and sat back down for more of number one. Such sweet, precious time….no worries, no pressure……

I’ve been hurried of late, very busy…rushing from one task to the next as I’m sure many have experienced. When I am weary at the end of the day as opposed to joyful then I know I’ve actually been lost in my busyness. I’ve missed opportunity upon opportunity to serve the Lord with gladness and thanksgiving. It IS true, if I serve God in all that I do and all that I say no matter how exhausted I am I will rejoice in it because I have lived out my purpose!

“Serve the LORD with gladness! Come into his presence with singing!” Psalm 100:2

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh ; rather, serve one another humbly in love.” Galatians 5:13

“Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.” Romans 12:11

“Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.” 1 Peter 4:10

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.” Romans 12:9-11

In the last, nearly five years, I’ve been striving to figure out my purpose in this life. I’m no longer a wife, where I had placed my identity and where I had worked so hard at being the best I could be. What I realize now, finally, is that my identity is not in being a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a daycare provider, a sister, a daughter….while I certainly AM all of those or was……those are merely labels of roles I play in this earthly life and as I’ve learned they simply don’t last. Of those labels, I’ve relinquished three of them already….wife, daughter and daycare provider. If I live with labels and claim them to be my identity and purpose then I've bought in to this earthly life believing that this is all there is and as each labels drops off I’m actually LESS than what I used to be.

If I believe that I am a child of God and THAT is my true and LASTING identity, it IS FOREVER. NEVER to be relinquished! The bigger picture though is what it REALLY means. It really means that no matter what happens in this earthly life, nothing can take away the fact that I am and always will be God’s child. I can wear many labels in this earthly life but my identity is in Jesus. No matter my earthly circumstances my identity in Christ can NEVER be taken away. So why is this so, so important and how does it work day to day in my life?

“Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.” Colossians 3:23

“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” Matthew 6:33

Whether I’m a widow, retired or disowned….it matters not. My purpose is to serve GOD and out of that service ALL else will be fulfilled. If you are serving God FIRST you WILL be the best spouse, the best mom, the best grandmother, the best professional……whatever you do you will succeed because GOD is the power behind you not yourself. There is a lot of sadness in this world but He has overcome the world.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11

If you don’t know Jesus as your Lord and Savior this probably all sounds funny and foreign to you but it doesn’t have to. The best thing I’ve ever done is to ask Jesus to come into my heart and save me. THE best. There is nothing like serving him and watching him lay out the plans he’s had for me since the foundation of the world. Only by serving him first can I even grasp a fraction of what he HAS done and what he IS doing in my life. On this dreary day I am joyful because he IS my joy!

God, thank you for days to stay in and hear your sweet whisper. Thank you that I am yours and that it’s forever. Thank you that when life’s circumstances seem too hard to bear that you hold me up and assure me that this life is merely temporary and short compared to living eternally with you. Thank you that someday I will never shed another tear but rejoice in your presence forever. Amen.

Have a beautiful day!

Revelation

Revelation - a surprising and previously unknown fact, especially one that is made known in a dramatic way.

Life, this earthly life, often stings. It's not all a bed of roses, a glass of fine wine, peace love and rock and roll. It's just hard sometimes. Life takes turns you can't imagine......turns you don't even WANT to imagine...turns you don't even THINK to imagine. Yet, we all have hopes and dreams in this world. One dream that I wanted was such a sweet dream. The goal to  be married for a very long time. We were 35 years in and that, alone, was such a wonderful feeling. My marriage was so very precious to me. In the nearly 3 years he's been gone from my life people have said I've changed......I don't see it but that doesn't mean it's not happening.

You've heard the expression "God works in mysterious ways"? Well, THAT I do know. How very precious it is when he begins to work and change some of my deep seeded "issues" and I come out on the other side with a new understanding of who I really am. I'm not gonna lie...when I've heard people say, "I'm trying to find myself" I would laugh and respond, "Did you get lost?" Not to their face of course. Just never understood that........until now. 

The last couple of days God has really begun to work in me ---revealing why I am like I am---why I behave like I do---why I react to certain situations like I do--why I hurt when others are hurting----I'm beginning to realize that I am, at my core, who he created me to be. To the core of who I am, to the depths of my soul I care about people. I am easily and deeply saddened by other's tragedies and hardships. My heart is soft. I can beat myself up and tell myself I am ridiculously over sensitive or a cry baby. I can tell myself, "Dianna, it didn't happen to you! Get over yourself!!" But then....this is my new revelation! I did NOT create my heart. I cannot tell it what to feel and what not to feel. I simply cannot be someone I've never been. I am ME!! I am a highly sensitive person, who yes, cries a LOT! I have to start realizing and accepting that this IS who I am!! God created me exactly this way! I have tried, unsuccessfully, to change myself, dial down my emotions, stuff my feelings, cry less, react less....I simply CANNOT do it! And in the midst of the striving God reveals these things to me. Why now? I do not know. I've said so many times, "sorry, I cry about everything!" SO WHAT??!! Yes, it's embarrassing sometimes! SO WHAT??!! If God is perfect (and I believe that he is) than I am NO mistake. My personality is no mistake. My emotions are no mistake. And I am NO surprise to God. So he gave me an extra dose of compassion, he created me to lead with my heart, he made me with great emotion, he created me to see the good FIRST and admittedly so, a not so great ability to decifer the the not so good. The reverse of that simply cannot be for it is NOT how I'm made! 

Can I begin to embrace who I am? At 60 do I continue to try to create a new me (because I've convinced myself it isn't who God wants me to be) or can I embrace ME and give God the glory for who I am? Do I continue to strive to change ME though I've been incredibly unsuccessful or do I truly let go and let God do HIS work in and through me?

What does it look like to see myself as God sees me? How hard will it be to love myself as much as God loves me? How hard will it be to accept the tears, hurt, pain, anxiety, worry and fears that come and will continue to come? How hard will it be to continue to move forward with emotions that won't paralyze me but instead to ACT in the midst of them? Many questions yet to explore but I am confident that God goes before me, he knows my path!

"You broaden the path before me so that my ankles do not turn." 2 Samuel 22:37

See! When the road narrows and I feel I have no place to go, God WILL step in and broaden the path that I will NOT fall. I need nothing else!

What this revelation doesn't mean is that I'm without fault. So NOT true. Just that I'm to hold fast to who he created me to be and by that truth he will continue to mold me into his likeness. I will fall many times but NOT by my unbelief in who he created me to be. My journey is far from over in this life but it's moving forward. 

God, thank you for your great revelation! What freedom I have when I stop trying to change who I am. Who you created!! I have literally tried for years to change my emotional personality. Sometimes I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Feeling deeply, hurting for others, being highly emotional is often a burden to carry. Your word tells us to carry each other's burdens but I'm now seeing that in a new light with new understanding. Thank you Jesus that you carry my burdens and so should I carry others. Thank you for being a perfect example that I can follow. Thank you for teaching me more about who I am IN you. Thank you that you gave me the power and strength to hear you. Amen