Can I get an eye roll here?

Perseverate - continuation of something (such as an activity or thought) usually to an extreme degree or beyond a desired point.

Can I get an eye roll here? I'm pretty sure I helped to invent this word. Not really, that would be giving me too much credit. Let's just say I KNOW HER WELL. We are best friends. I'm a bit sad that I've become such a good "partner" to someone who has definitely NOT returned the favor. But God....he has turned my perspective recently. 

Why am I best friends with someone who doesn't have my best interest at heart? Why have I given her SO much power over me? Why do I keep inviting her back into the depths of my soul? She torments me. Lies to me. Holds me hostage. She's toxic to my existence. Yet, I love her, embrace her, keep holding onto her.....

I'm not sure I can defend myself....no I actually can't... nor do I want to.....Simply put, I'm tired of well worn habits, leftovers from my unbringing....perhaps I should say strongholds.....deeply ingrained fortresses......Pastor Charles Stanley calls it "building structures" . If we are hurt in relationships we build structures of "avoidance", if we're told how to think, when to think, when to talk, when to remain silent, we build structures of "conformity". As a child, Stanley says, "we begin to lay down our creativity, our strengths,  our initiavtive", we become like putty and conform to a mold. We begin to go along with the crowd, not express our thoughts for fear of rejection.

In his perfect timing, only God, had me turn on the TV yesterday morning as I got ready for church, to the perfect channel, to listen to that perfect sermon, that originally aired in 1998. It spoke to me so deeply, that my heart and soul were deeply moved. I've listened to that 26 minute sermon four times now and each time have thrown my hands in the air with a resounding, "YES" and a heart finally understanding that my worth isn't based on my past. My worth isn't in what others think about me. My worth isn't calculated by how many good deeds I do, how many times I take one for the team, how often I hold my tongue, how popular or well liked I am. My strength is not in being the good girl, in being quiet......You guys!!!!! GOD DOESN'T WANT ME TO CONFORM TO THIS WORLD BUT BE TRANSFORMED BY RENEWING MY MIND!!! 

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. THEN you will be able to test and approve what God's will is --- his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

Can you see the FREEDOM in this? I'm reminded of an example given in Sunday School of pulling a cart. The question was, "what's in your cart?" For me, my cart is full of insecurities........and they are HEAVY......but then it was pointed out that I don't carry my burden alone. That, as a Christ follower, he is helping me pull.....and then this.....what's REALLY in the cart? THE WILL OF GOD!! Jesus helping me to do the will of God. Anything else placed in the cart is not of God.....it is of me......sigh.....

Stronghold - a place that has been fortified (made stronger or more secure)  so as to protect it against attack. 

Not only have I built fortresses of protection, I've filled my cart with "stuff" that has no place there.  There's a whole lot of "I" and really, ZERO God. I may take him along, if I decide to, but more often than not.....I don't. That REALLY hurts my heart. I can't imagine what God's heart is longing for me to see. Though I'm given a choice, I'm grieved by the choices I've made. But God.....he is waiting with open arms...he has been and will be.....What a patient God. Hallelujah!

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1

"So we say with confidence: "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man d to me?" Hebrews 13:6

Thank you for leading me to that sermon yesterday Lord. I still can barely believe it. It's one of those "pinch me" moments....one of those "surely I must be dreaming" epiphanies (an experienceof sudden and striking realization). I am so very grateful and today I praise you for your provision.......But God, I confess, right here, right now that I have built my own fortresses.....I have used my own wisdom to shelter myself from attack from others. I've protected myself, my feelings, my thoughts, my creativity, my initiative, my strengths.....my fortress is so fortified that too many times to count, I've not allowed you in. Please God, will you forgive me? Will you continue to help me tear down my structures? Will you continue to show me how to stand in YOUR protection? Will you help me to stand when I'm hurting? Will you give me the words to speak in uncomfortable circumstances? Will you continue to show me that YOU are all I need even in the really hard times when I perceive you to be absent? Lord, give me the strength and courage to sever my relationship with Perseverate. Help me to kick her to the curb, never allowing her to darken my doorstep from this day forward. I'm exhausted Lord. May I turn to you for replenishment. Amen.