Day 39 in the Wilderness

 

"My heart rejoices in the Lord; in the Lord my horn is lifted high. My mouth boasts over my enemies for I delight in your deliverance. There is no one holy like the Lord; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God."

1 Samuel 2:1-2

I spent some time with Hannah in 1 Samuel this morning. If you don't know her here are some stats:

• Married to Elkanah
• One of two of his wives the other, Peninnah
• Unable to conceive but Peninnah had sons and daughters
• Peninnah provoked her to the point of irritation YEAR AFTER YEAR
• When Hannah "went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat."

I cannot relate to Hannah in that respect as I was blessed with three children....but I can relate to her feelings of unworthiness. At that time children were the worth placed on women. Elkanah asked her why she was crying, why she wasn't eating and why she was so downhearted. He couldn't understand why HE wasn't enough for her. Interesting isn't it that Elkanah couldn't feel his wife's remorse because he couldn't relate either. He had sons and daughters!! Might have been a totally different story if Hannah was his only wife and he had no heirs. 

How often do I put my worth in things that society tells me I have to have? To be successful you need this ________. To be happy you need this _______. To be fulfilled you must be married, have 2.5 children, a beautiful home, a great job...To feel comfortable in your own skin you must be this height, this weight. 

When I was walking the other day I caught my shadow and the first thing I thought was, "WOW look how tall I am! Gosh, I wish I had long legs."  I've struggled with my physical appearance my entire life. I'm too short, too fat, bad skin, ugly hair......all the while outwardly appearing totally comfortable in my skin. Inside I'm screaming, "CAN YOU SEE ME?" 

I can only share my own thought and that thought is, can short people actually be seen? 

My taller friends would say, "I've always wanted to be petite." The struggle is real, right? Hannah's worth was tied to her inability to have children. Is my worth tied to how I look on the outside? Honestly, at 63 I'm beginning to desire greatly to allow God to work those negative, unhealthy, totally untrue thoughts out of me. His timing is perfect though it would have been helpful (or so I think) to experience personal acceptance a LOT sooner.

Remember David, the young shepherd, against the Philistine? Listen to his words:

“You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty...."

Such confidence....

Then Saul dressed David in his own tunic. He put a coat of armor on him and a bronze helmet on his head. David fastened on his sword over the tunic and tried walking around, because he was not used to them. “I cannot go in these,” he said to Saul, “because I am not used to them.” So he took them off.  Then he took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag and, with his sling in his hand, approached the Philistine.

David had such confidence that he would succeed just as himself. Just as God created him! No fancy clothing or weapons. His confidence was in exactly how God created him and what God created him for!!

"It was not by sword or spear that the Lord save; for the battle is the Lord's and HE WILL GIVE ALL OF you into our hand."

Remember Moses? He did not speak eloquently, he wanted God to send someone else. How about the disciples? Did they feel equipped in their own power?

If I could do it all on my own I would have no need for a Savior. That is truth 100%.

"Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Oh Lord, help me to RUN to you and your Word. Every time I do you show me things that I've never seen before. I never, EVER, EVER, EVER step away with nothing. I am never disappointed. All I have to do is write your Word on my heart and YOU will use it in your perfect timing. Please help me to always place you first. Early in the morning....filling my heart to overflowing so that everything that comes out of my mouth is an outpouring of what you've placed in my heart.

"Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." Let it be you Jesus...let it be you.

Day 31 in the Wilderness

 

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made"

Psalm 139

Because God wanted to make the unchanging 

nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of 

what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. 

God did this so that, by two unchangeable 

things in which it is impossible for God to lie, 

we who have fled to take hold of the hope

 set before us may be greatly encouraged. 

 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, 

firm and secure.

Hebrews 6:17-19

Unchanging - ALWAYS stays the same; FOREVER

Promise - A promise is a statement that you make to a person in which you say that you will definitely do something or give them something.

If you make a promise, you keep it!!

Hope - The longing or desire for something accompanied

by the belief in the possibility of its occurrence.

Encourage - give someone hope, confidence or support.

Anchor - a reliable or principal support.

Firm - strongly felt and unlikely to change.

Secure - not subject to threat; certain to remain or continue safe and unharmed.

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WOWZA! How about these words!? Plucked directly from the word of God! I was reading a devotion this morning and pondering how amazing it is that God knows exactly what I need to hear even when I don't. I'm thankful for his provision. I'm thankful that he knows me SO intimately that when I sit at his feet he provides ALL that I need.....actually he provides that which I don't even know that I need. 😏

"A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home.  They gathered in such large numbers that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them.  Some men came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them.  Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on.  When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”

Mark 2:1-5

In reading this passage this morning I never saw before what a big deal it was for the men to get the paralytic to Jesus. They pushed through crowds, they persevered, they had an amazing goal. They KNEW and BELIEVED that Jesus could heal him. The Bible doesn't say if they were friends (but most commentaries I've read do)  but they certainly cared about his healing. This is what I am called to do! Fight for my friends. Persevere with and for them. Walk with them WITHOUT thinking, "what's in it for me?" I think it would be fascinating to know if their relationship went beyond that one moment in time 

or if it was meant for that specific time. Curious 🤔

Enduring Word commentary says this:

"So when they had broken through, they let down the bed on which the paralytic was lying: This proved the determination and faith of the friends of the paralytic man. They counted on Jesus healing their friend, because it would be a lot harder to bring him back up through the roof than lowering him down. They counted on him walking out of the room."

How well do I persevere when I'm called to do it?

It's all good when you get along well....agree on most things.......But I've had some difficult friendships. Friends who are very, very different from me. Friends I've come to absolutely ADORE despite those differences. Some sisters in Christ and some not. I think the reason I think they are difficult is because they don't fit my definition of what I THINK a friendship should look like.  I'm usually "all in". If I'm all in and they're thinking "acquaintance"......well..... It may hurt ME, but they don't even see it as I do. Nobody is at fault. We just see things differently. They can walk away......I feel loss....

Though a conversation may need to be had I HATE conflict of any kind and perhaps I don't want to expose myself for fear of what I might look like.....vulnerable, silly, misunderstood....and just maybe, I won't like what I hear...... I'm most likely to sit in sadness than to enter into conversation. I'm more apt to be silent and shrink back therefore making the appearance of not caring. While others may be confrontational, wanting it all to be laid out and talked about. I may actually want that but I certainly don't want to initiate it and if I'm honest the uncomfortableness of it all I would avoid like the plague. Weaknesses in me? Absolutely! I confess it! Am I a good friend when everything is going well but when things get tough not so much? Do I give the appearance of not caring?  One of the major reasons I adopted 2 Corinthians 12:9 for my verse of this year is because I need to lean on these words. .

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, 

for my power is made perfect in your weakness."

Verse 10 says, "For when I am weak, then I am strong." Hmmm.....WHEN not IF....

Will I ever learn that when I pray for God to move in me it's usually not easy? See I just want him to REMOVE  my weakness. BAM! DONE! But no! He will place me in situations where I HAVE to call on HIS power IN my weakness. My WEAKNESSES are NEVER going away! I NEED HIM! If my weaknesses are gone I won't need him! Some of the ways he works out my weakness is by putting wonderful people in my path that are not only supportive and encouraging but who gently, sometimes unknowingly, correct my wrong thinking. Some are put in my path to mentor me and bring me along in the Word. Some are put in my path to simply love me.  And......

Some are put in my path to specifically work out my weaknesses.

And that right there is hard stuff!  It could be forever and it could be for a season. And again, that is hard. For the one who is chosen to work out the weakness and for the one having the weakness worked out. If it's for a season.....well, when I count them all friends....for me there's loss. 

But oh to persevere like the paralytic's friends did! To "hang in there" because it's what we SHOULD do. To be able to experience the healing of a friend, what an honor....what a privilege....what a gift! I could think of at least ten reasons why  we shouldn't put our friend on a stretcher and force our way through the crowd and tear the roof off of someone's house! But, those friends weren't thinking about themselves were they? They were united in loving their friend unconditionally. They weren't thinking "what's in it for me?" It was a selfless act. It wasn't about them!! And sometimes, even if I'm hurt, it's not about me. When I make it about me, my weaknesses begin to get pretty ugly and the "whoa is me" mentality breaks through...so what DO I DO?

I had a  friend tell me today, "Sometimes all we can do is offer prayer" and I so flippantly said, "I know, but that's all?" And she very gently said, "That IS enough." Oh, she is so right. Correction well taken. See I want to FIX it. I want my questions answered. I want everything smoothed over and peace to be had. I want sunshine and rainbows. Definitely in heaven but on earth, 

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." 

John 16:33

 I had another friend ask me this question: 

"Are you right with God?"

 If the answer is "yes" than you've done all you can. 

See, we can't change people but we can be right with God. 

God, thank you for the working out of hurt feelings. Thank you for those you send at just the right time to correct me when I fall into wrong thinking. Thank you for your Word that speaks to me in just the perfect way in perfect timing. Thank you that it was a quick answer. Thank you that my eyes were open to see and my ears were ready to hear. I confess, many times I'm stubborn or disengaged and I don't see or hear your instruction. I'm sorry about that Lord. May I always look to you ALWAYS...not just in times of trouble. 

 

Day 28 in the Wilderness

You open your hand and satisfy the 

desires of every living thing.

Psalm 145:16

Confidence - A trusting, or reliance;

an assurance of mind or firm

belief in the integrity, stability or

veracity of another, or in the

truth and reality of a fact.

Yesterday was the first time I had hugged my mom in over two years. Hmmmm.......as I write that and know it to be true I can still hardly believe it. Fifteen months was her choice. "Don't call me and don't come see me. I don't want to see your face or hear your voice." Twelve months.....COVID......How does a 60 year old, Jesus loving woman, honor her mother AND stay away at the same time? How does she try to reconcile the choices she's made and feel confident that she did the best she could in horrendous circumstances?

My husband, love of my entire life, left for work (a part time job after retirement) on a Monday morning and I never saw him alive again. He was killed in a most horrific accident. Hit on a job work site by a girl impaired by drugs. I can barely comprehend such a tragedy even as I approach the sixth "anniversary" of that devastating day.

Ten months later to the very day my dad died unexpectedly. Though being vaccinated for both flu and pneumonia, he got both at the same time.....he died four days later.

One month and 5 days later my mother in law, my second mom passed away. Ten months later a good friend who helped me a great deal in my grief from the grief of loss she had suffered died at the age of 42. 

I'm not telling this as a way to excuse myself or for any sympathy at all....just merely setting up the story so that I can show why it's so incredibly important to KNOW from where our confidence comes.

It's certainly a working out of guilt, shame, sorrow, doubt, bitterness, anger....you name it I've felt it.

Upfront, myself along with my brother admit that we may not have handled our father's death and the consequent move of our mother in a way that was best for her. We've asked for forgiveness and an opportunity to move forward. Five years later she is still grieving heavily....she's bitter....misses her old life....her material possessions....sadly, she rarely mentions her husband. Admittingly so it was a rough 51 year marriage but even so.....still sad.....She can't quite get past what "we've done to her".....and hence the disinheritance. I prayed so much over those 15 months that God would prompt me to speak and when to make a move. I prayed that he would show me what he might be trying to teach me while keeping an open heart that it might not be about me at all. I mourned the decisions that were made and wished at least 100 times I could have a do over. 

In my Bible study.....Genesis 25-50......the third year we had been in the book of Genesis.....Warren W. Wiersbe made this statement, 

"It's a good thing to be able to end your life knowing you've completed God's business the way He wanted it done."

Hmmmmm.......Right away I thought of the situation with my mom. When I hugged her yesterday I shed tears that I had not felt my mom's loving arms around me for so long. Longer that I had ever in my whole life. My mom and I had an amazing relationship. Where did this bitter woman come from? Who is she? I don't know this mother. My mom? No emotion at all....not even after the lonliness of the Covid year. Really hard.....I'm giving a really broad view of this whole story...it's simply too long to share but suffice it to say this was not the mother I ever knew. I was really confused. I was so hurt....my heart was broken.

I began to pray, "God, what is this?" I pondered the guilt I felt....was this all my fault? I'm beating myself up here! 

How in the world do I have 

CONFIDENCE 

that I did the right thing?

I sought God for answers FIRST, praying and reading His Word

ARE YOU READY??

But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose CONFIDENCE is in him.

He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when hear comes' its leaves are always green. IT HAS NOT WORRIES IN A YEAR OF DROUGHT AND NEVER FAILS TO BEAR FRUIT.

Jeremiah 17:7-8

Let us approach the throne of grace with CONFIDENCE, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Hebrews 4:16

Therefore, brothers, since we have CONFIDENCE to enter the most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for the who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--- and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hebrews 10:19-25

And this beautiful verse: 

So do not throw away your CONFIDENCE; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

And while my heart was calmed I wanted to talk it out with someone. So I sought out a Godly person, whom I trust and asked, "How can I have confidence in the decisions I've made?"  I highly recommend doing this. Not because I believe God isn't enough. HE ABSOLUTELY IS ENOUGH. But because I'm a verbal processor......and Jesus talk with other believers is amazing to me and I love it! So this Godly mentor asked me this question: 

"Do you believe God is sovereign?" 

I believe he absolutely is AND his word tells me that he is though I admit to having a hard time grasping the full understanding and the weight of that truth. So, okay, the answer is yes. Then she said, 

"Did you seek God in your decisions 

regarding your mom, her house, her circumstances?" 

Again, yes. 

"Do you believe that her house sold so quickly because that was God's will?" 

Hmmmm......actually, honestly, I did not think about that. If my brother and I had tried to sell her house before it was time it simply would not have sold. That was HUGE to me. If God is sovereign and I believe that he is, than he moved HIS WILL in that situation. 

AND in that I can have CONFIDENCE. 

And then......

If you sought God, prayed for wisdom and guidance, you are right with GOD and that is all that matters. 

My mom may always be bitter....but am I right with my Savior? THAT is where my mind should be going. That doesn't make it easy in the flesh, in the world, in my relationship with my mother.....but it should mean everything to know that I'm right with God. That in HIS eyes I finished well. I need to turn from, "Is my mom ever going to forgive me to is God pleased with me?"

Thank you God for that awesome lesson. Thank you for calming a very anxious heart. Thank you for showing me where my emotions, thoughts and feelings were misguided. Thank you for Godly friendships that are so worth nurturing so that we can have fellowship that brings correction in a very gentle manner. I am filled with gratitude and my heart is full. 💓💓💓

Day 25 in the Wilderness

 

It's funny....not really funny... actually amazing...but why should it be? I've said at least a hundred times that I hope I never stop being amazed at God working His perfect plan. I hope to always sharply draw air into my lungs, as in a gasp, each time I see how he fulfills His plan....not only with grace and peace but with opportunity. 

And so it's been.....this second week of vacation...a respite from cold weather, from busyness.....

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Week one had me paired with two incredibly lovely women I've know forever, family..... my beloved's sister and another sister-in-law, married to my beloved's youngest brother. How I adore them. ❤️ One loves Jesus as I do. With a heart so full He overflows from our lips. The other, searching for the relationship we have with Him. Not everyone who loves Jesus outwardly attributes Him to everything or makes known the reason for the hope that they have. Not because they love Him less....but because everyone has their own expression....everyone has their own journey. But her and I are that type. We engaged others at poolside, in the pool, at restaurants....it was so apparent that when two or more are gathered He is there...and those two or more are on a mission for Jesus 😍.....let's just say He honors our enthusiasm in amazing ways...of which I've shared a couple of those times in posts below. 

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Changing locations this week to a much larger resort doesn't lend to conversation with others as was the case last week. We are so far apart...not as intimate. I'm also in a different spot. My witness is not more important but it's definitely more directed. Not to those around me but to my companion. I want ALL in my "circle of influence" to know Jesus as Savior. I find it quite easy to have conversation with another believer...it's quite another to talk Jesus with someone who is searching. There's an urgency and a desire to do it right.  I really think others watch closely, not necessarily just for Bible quotations and constant talk about Jesus and his Word, but also in actions....interactions with strangers, how stress is handled....do I show calm or am I anxiety ridden? Am I kind, do I extend understanding? Who I am, to the heart level, IS my witness!! Of course those are MY thoughts. God's thoughts are not my thoughts nor his ways my ways. I hear Him say, "Dianna, be who I created you to be. Stop striving! Relax! Stop waiting to fail! Stop waiting for the other shoe to drop! Just be you, I'll do the rest!"

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

Thank you God that you take the pressure off. Help me to see that I am not a failure in your eyes. Help me to see that as I look towards you and lean not on my own  understanding YOU will direct not only my path but what you want others to see and hear through me. I'm grateful that I have your Word to remind me not to lean on my own thoughts and ways.

"May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight O Lord my Rock and Redeemer."

I'm thankful you already know I can't achieve perfection (and that you don't actually ask me to). But I can, step by step, with your strength become more like you each day of my life here on earth. No, not reaching perfection but being transformed by the continual renewing of my mind until the day you call me home to live, in perfection, in your presence.

What a day that will be! ❤️ 

Day 15 in the Wilderness

 

 I stand amazed!

I simply am in awe of how God is weaving His thread through my vacation. I'll never be able to explain the extent to which God has blessed me today. So hang in there....be patient with me....the miraculousness in the way that God works is really in the details. 😁 

Where to begin.....We were doing some water aerobics jogging upstream in the Lazy River. You'd be amazed at the comments, the cheering on, the conversation between those we passed floating on rafts. It was a beautiful day. Sunny, as you can see in the picture, 73°.... perfect. 🌞 Many here are from the North escaping freezing temperatures. I made two observations:

• Sunshine causes many to smile and engage in conversation...
• Semi- normal is better than no normal at all

I passed a woman who smiled at me and said, "my doctor recommended water aerobics for me." That's all she said. I smiled and on we went. When I was coming out of the pool I saw her sitting with another woman on the ledge of the pool. I approached them and asked them how they were on this beautiful sunshiny day.....and the conversation starter " where are you from?" They were from the Cincinnati area. Before you know it I was sitting down having a nice chat with Sandy and Sue. We chatted for a bit when Sandy said, "I lost my husband three years ago. It was so sudden and unexpected." And just like that, in an instant, I knew why we had crossed paths. I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't skip a beat and it was easy. My first thought was , "Really God.... another widow? On vacation?" But I knew...because it's happened so many times. So I took a deep breath and told her, I too, had lost my husband. 😢We shared our experiences and something she said prompted a "Praise God" (which it was but also my go to comment to see if the conversation would go where I hoped it would) and Sue said, YOU'RE A CHRISTIAN! To which I responded, "Yes! I love Jesus" And the conversation that flowed from us was absolutely ordained and SO glorifying. Simply put BEAUTIFUL and AMAZING! 

Since I'm at nearly six years (post loss) and Sandy is at three she had many, many questions for me. 

• When does it get better?
• What did you do when _____?
• Why did it happen?
• How do you deal with unresolved issues?
• How do you move forward?

Of course I prefaced my comments with, "this is MY journey" and yours may look very different.....but the grief is the same. We talked about grief.....and healing.....and Jesus. We talked about love.....and loss......and Jesus. We talked about confusion....I and anxiety.....and Jesus. I told them that I was a bit unsettled about coming to Florida because life was starting up again. I felt the excitement of serving my church. I would love to be able to be in two places at one time. ☺️ I mean, I KNOW God had something for me so that's exactly what I prayed. Lord, show me what it is you want me to see. Make my purpose clear. And I looked at Sandy and Sue and told them they were my blessings today. I told them it was such a pleasure to meet them and talk about Jesus with them. I said, "Love you ladies" they reciprocated. ❤️ Unbelievable! 

God has been so faithful. Not only carrying me in my wilderness journey but showing me how to SEE and RESPOND to those he puts in my path.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, if I wasn't living it I wouldn't believe it because it's just so incredible. 

"For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations."

Psalm 100:5

I'm so thankful for the A-ha moments and the WOW moments. The realization of what God is doing and the way I feel inside when I get it!

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things."

Ecclesiastes 11:5

God, thank you for today. Thankful for Sandy and Sue. God, would you please give Sandy an abundance of love. Please heal her broken heart. Help her to understand the "why's" of the choices her family made. Thank you that you placed me in her path today. Lord, help me to keep my eyes open to see what you might have for me tomorrow.

Amen

Day 13 in the Wilderness

 

O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you; I will praise your name, for you have done wonderful things, plans formed of old, faithful and sure.

Faithful _ remaining loyal and steadfast

I prayed before vacation that God would take hold of me and make me a vessel for Him. Not that I'm not already a vessel but a vessel in a different state, different day to day, different circumstances....you get the point....different! 

We went down to the pool this afternoon and struck up a conversation with Kathleen from Rhode Island. She is here in Florida with her husband Peter and children Tia and Peter. Her brother Nick lives here in Florida. Him and his son came here to join them for some family time. In the course of idle conversation she told us that she's lost her mother, father and sister. A couple of times it seemed she alluded to her faith.  I was listening closely for God to give the opportunity  for me to explore further. Jesus conversation is THE BEST! 

Sure enough as she was talking she said, "Sweet Jesus!!" Yes!! The opportunity for me to say, "Praise God!" and it was ON!! Jesus, front and center! We talked about getting through hard times and what that must look like without Jesus. How do people do it?? We talked about his faithfulness.....We talked about our upbringing  and how it formed us. We talked about how idle chatter can just last for so long and when God is in the midst he is revealed and the conversation never returns to the earthly......it just doesn't.  But its THE best conversation you can have. 

• JESUS
• FAMILY
• SUNSHINE
•  OPPORTUNITY 

 

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

Matthew 7:7

I am so very grateful for an intentional God. I'm so very thankful for the blessing of Jesus talk. I'm forever amazed that I pray, He answers, I obey, He blesses. It's a relationship like no other.  Day 13 is drawing to a close and my heart is so full. 🙌