40 days in the wilderness.....Day 8

I'm going to try to do a few things here today....not ramble, be long-winded, try to get to the point and do it quickly. I am starting this at 7:30. Let's see how long it takes to get down my whirlwind of thoughts.

My name is Dianna Knapp and I am a mom. When I was a little girl, a mom, is all I ever wanted to be. I have not been disappointed. I'm not quite sure a child will understand just HOW much you love them until they have a child of their own. It starts the day they are born but grows, gets stronger each day you hold them, hug them, dry their tears and take great joy in their accomplishments. Then they become adults...they fly the nest and sometimes they come back for a time and fly again. You invest ALL that you have in them for as long as you possibly can. Your life becomes THEIR life and you feel SO blessed that God would give you such an awesome responsibility. It's really hard at times....really easy at times....really sad at times and there are times of GREAT joy.

Unlike my mom, bless her heart I LOVE her so much, I realize my adult children are busy with their adult lives. I try really hard not to bother them or make them feel guilty. "You know I'm not always going to be around". I have to say my kids are pretty good, usually, at checking in on a regular basis. I'm actually happy with a quick phone call or a text....but I still LOVE it when I see their face and can physically hug and kiss them.

I am truly blessed that all three of my adult children live close by. I suppose I would get used to it if any of them moved away but I can't imagine what that would be like. However, I did get a small taste of it recently. It was February 25th and for some reason I thought "gosh, I havn't seen my oldest son in 2 MONTHS and maybe only talked to him two or three times!" I would text him, no answer...no visit....no phone calls to really speak of.

It needs to be understood here that I am VERY close to my kids. They've told me things that other kids wouldn't think about revealing to their parents! Side note: They've also concealed some things that I've later found out about and I'm sure there are still tons of things buried. I'm hardly naive and I'm not so old I don't remember being a teenager! Sometimes they have told me things, even I, wish they hadn't told me! :-O So, to seemingly have one of them "ignoring" me caused a significant amount of parental concern. He lives with his younger brother so I knew that he wasn't on the side of the road, in a ditch, unconscious somewhere (have you been there?) :-) but I was still wondering IF something was going on....

So, I resorted to the semi-guilt plan. Texting "This is not to make you feel guilty but you're not answering my texts, not calling and I haven't seen you since Christmas. Are you okay?"

Within the hour he was walking through my front door and it was as if my long lost son had finally come home. I wouldn't by any means call him the prodigal but that story was front and center in my mind. I don't think I realized until that precise moment just HOW much I had missed him. I didn't want to let him go of him and of course, I cried. I was so happy to see his handsome face and his beautiful smile. The tears may have been that step from semi-guilt to full fledged guilt! Oops sorry about that!

After he left, I took Bailey for a walk and I thought "God loves me MORE than that". There is no more to add here.....That just about says it all!

A few days ago I mentioned Pastor Matt Chandler. I downloaded his sermon series on Ecclesiastes and decided to listen to Part 1 of 14 during my walk. Ecclesiastes 1:11 says this:

"There is no remembrance of men of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow"

That really made me think "what would I want people to remember about me when I'm gone".

My study bible notes say:

As generations come and go, there are very few people who make any significant impact on the course of world history; the majority of the human race lives and dies in obscurity. The seemingly never ending march of human generations thus appears to be as purposeless as the repetitive cycles of the natural world.

I know what I would like people to remember me for:

1. That it was evident, by how I behaved, lived my life, conducted my business that I loved the Lord.

2. That I was a GREAT mom.

3. That I was a good wife.

4. That I was never proud or boastful about material possessions (though I've been upfront with everyone I know that I covet two things in this world, my dishwasher (which I've had for less than 10 years) and my smartphone (which I've had less than one year).

5. That I was always aware when someone needed a hug or a kind word.

6. That I did my job to the best of my ability.

I pray everyday that I am IN God's will for my life. I pray that I am just where I need to be at this time in my life. I pray that by staying deeply in God's word I can draw on the power and strength that only God can provide and that I can rest there, be content there, have peace and joy there. And maybe, just maybe I can leave a little piece of "God in me" to those I leave behind. I don't feel pressure to make an impact on the world but I'm very much aware of the example I want to be in the lives of others. Which brings to mind this scripture:

Matthew 19.26

Jesus looked at them and said "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.......

and then....

Jeremiah 29:11

" For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Comforting yes but also telling. I cannot do this alone!!

In studying The Tabernacle it says "God wants us to live moment by moment, surrendering to his will".....I can do THAT! I don't have to think about tomorrow, heck I don't even have to think about the next hour. I just have to be IN this moment. I can do that!

Hope you had a God day!

XOXO

PS It is now 8:46......I took longer than I needed to (perfectionism is STILL my worst disability) and I, as usual, am so certain I haven't said enough, explained myself enough or got my point across enough....that I've said WAY too much! But it's my journey, right? :-)

40 days in the wilderness.....Day 7

After day 4 or so I've thought "God, has really changed my focus....this sugar thing isn't so bad after all"......Now WHY would I say that? I LOVE SUGAR! Did I really think it was going to be SO easy? Enter Satan....in the form of Peanut M & Ms, Chocolate covered pretzels, Peanut Butter candy coated eggs....

I have to say, once I am determined to do something I don't do it halfway. Double that with my promise being to God and I'm pretty steadfast in my conviction! Earlier in the day, between a protein packed breakfast and lunch I was starving! I grabbed a handful of trail mix, separated out the M & Ms and tossed them back into the bag. As I was popping the nuts and raisins in my mouth I realized that a brown M & M was among the mix! I have to say, I had a momentary thought that went something like this "what's ONE M & M?" Momentary yes, but really who would know? I was in my house, in my kitchen ALONE, who would see? Ahhhh yes, you guessed it! God would know and in my heart, I made a vow to HIM. I was going to experience sacrifice, a sacrifice I CHOSE. Nothing, compared to the sacrifice that he DIDN'T choose, for me. Just as Christ hung on to the power of God to endure his trial, I can hang on to the power of Christ as I make my way through mine.

Every morning I pray "Thank You God, for being the constant I can hold on to. Thank You for being the same yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever. Thank You for your steadfast love" How comforting it is for me that I will ALWAYS and FOREVER have a strong, powerful, personal God that will stand by me, never forsake me and see me through all the tests and trials of this life, big or small. He WANTS me to come to him. He WANTS the details.

I knew when I left my house to go to church tonight that I would face a challenge. And there it was in the form of all those goodies I mentioned at the top of my post. But I've shared my journey, I've told EVERYONE, I've laid myself bare before family and friends! The very second I pick up something I shouldn't be eating.....well....let's just say, I don't want to go there. I was also reminded that my 40 days in the wilderness doesn't end until a week AFTER the retreat!! Just a little peak into the future! Eeeekkkk! All of this going on in MY mind but then, so softly and so gently, the word of the Lord speaks and ALWAYS with perfect timing and perfect comfort.

Trust in the Lord and do good;

dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him and he will do this.

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Psalm 37:3-6

Of course I'm writing this on the morning of day 8. And a funny thing happened. I had thought about what I would write, tossed it around like I usually do but when I got home, I was so tired, I went to bed. I got up this morning, sat down with my hot cup of tea and began to read my devotional.....ummm......no devotional for February 29th!!! I didn't really want to do March 1st because, well, you know, it would be all messed up!! Sometimes I think "oh for pete's sake Dianna, you are ridiculous".....but, as I looked at the page titled "March" right below it read Psalm 37:5......and I thought "there ya go". And of course, it worked perfectly with Day 7. All I EVER have to do, is follow God's leading.....

If the Lord delights in a man's way,

he makes his steps firm;

though he stumble, he will not fall,

for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

Psalm 37:23-24

I'm fairly certain that I'm going to stumble...I'm going to think wrong thoughts, I'm going to step toward the wrong path and most of all I'm going to try to justify certain choices I may or may not decide to make. But I can rest 100% in the promise that God WILL uphold me, He will NOT let me fall.

Have a God day!

XOXO

40 days in the wilderness....Day 6

My morning routine is fairly simple and fairly routine. I get up, get dressed, take my phone off the charger, make my tea, sit down with the Lord....for almost exactly 45 minutes. I rarely deviate from this routine because I find my day works better when I spend time with God FIRST. Though I know that to be true there are times when something takes me in a different direction. When I take my phone off the charger it automatically lights up and of course I look at it. :-) This morning I had a text and some e-mails. The text I responded to and the e-mails I read. Why? I don't know. Just did it without thinking and in between grabbing my study "stuff" and making my tea. Wrong thing to do, wrong direction to take, NOT the way I wanted my day to start.

Funny how, when routine is changed, everything else changes. Where I do my devotional first, journal a little about the devotional, pray.....just the natural leading of the Holy Spirit......but this morning, I HAD to pray FIRST because I allowed Satan to strike early and turn my morning upside down and inside out. I had to actually settle myself.....God, in his infinite wisdom, drew me right back in and for that I am so thankful.

Colossians 3:13-15 says:

When you were spiritually dead because of your sins and because you were not free from the power of your sinful self, God made you alive with Christ, and he forgave all our sins. He canceled the debt, which listed all the rules we failed to follow. He took away that record with its rules and nailed it to the cross. God stripped the spiritual rulers and powers of their authority. With the cross, he won the victory and showed the world that they were powerless.

Hmmm......I am not free from the power of my sinful self......isn't that the truth? I only have power IN CHRIST! My devotion asked this question:

God has given us new life in Christ. Why is that good news for you?

Isn't it just a God thing that this devotional, attached to this scripture, rescued me, lifted me, corrected me and turned my morning from a frown to a smile and straightened my path once more!? Who else, but God, could do that? Not even my own mother who might say "Dianna, I'm so disappointed in you" could correct me with such love. THAT is saying a LOT because, growing up that was something I never wanted to hear my mother say! God didn't make me feel guilty or ashamed at my thoughts and feelings but instead proves he loves me and that He WILL lead me, IF I seek him FIRST. Even if the correction is sharp, I still feel Christ's love and forgiveness for me. THAT is a beautiful thing!

Hope you had a GOD day!

XOXO

40 days in the wilderness....Day 5

What a beautifully rich day! While getting ready for church this morning I listened to a sermon by David Jeremiah then onto church at 8:00, Women to Women at 9:00 and "What in the world is God doing" an Adult Elective at 10:35. From church I went to workout and while working out I listened to part 10 of 11 of a series called Lord, Change My Attitude by James MacDonald. Filled to the brim! Certainly you would think I would draw my daily inspiration from something that was read or said during those four hours! And draw I did! My mind was turning and turning about what I would write today. There was just SO much to chose from.

But it was an unexpected conversation with a sister in Christ that gave me that A-HA moment today. We were talking about the fact that each of us has given up sugar for Lent!! How about that?! She mentioned, through a "strand" of conversation that she workouts out every morning at 5AM!! Wow! Wish I had the discipline (there's that word again) to do THAT! She said she gets up in the morning, heads to the gym, listens to a sermon while she workouts and then goes home to start her day. Of course I wanted to know who she listens to since I do the same thing and she told me Matt Chandler.

Because I am a woman, I'd ask here, if I might digress a moment. Notice, above, I said "through a "strand" of conversation"? Men might find this special "gift" that we have quite annoying but I happen to think it's exactly what makes us so special. We can have a particular topic we want to speak with someone about but we can't do that very often without adding a little background information first. Men, are you smiling? Yes, we tell the WHOLE story, detail by detail! "Can't you just get to the point?" :-) I think that's why I have such a heart for women. We just have a way with each other. Add Jesus and we can do wonderful things. Since I'm a knitter/crocheter I can compare a skein of variegated yarn to a woman. We aren't all one color or two or three. We are many colors blended together with each color having it's own part in the whole but one gradually giving way to the next. Yes, we are complicated but I truly believe that we are just the way God created us to be.

Digression over......

I've never heard of Matt Chandler. So, as I do when this is the case, I took to the internet to see what he was all about. My friend assured me he was absolutely fantastic so I was anxious to learn about him and listen to him speak. When I put his name in the search engine an article came up with this title "Brain cancer tests a young pastor's faith..." Oh boy, not a sad story. After what I had read and since this article was dated January 31, 2010, I thought "is he even still alive today?" It said his cancer was considered incurable and fatal. For those that don't know Matt Chandler, he is a 37 year old man, married with three young children. He is the pastor of The Village Church in Texas. The article spoke of his faith and this is what he said,

"Chandler is trying to suffer well. He would never ask for such a trial, but in some ways he welcomes this cancer. He says he feels grateful that God has counted him worthy to endure it. He has always preached that God will bring both joy and suffering but is only recently learning to experience the latter."

He is trying to suffer WELL? He is GRATEFUL that God has counted him WORTHY to endure such a trial!!?? WORTHY? REALLY. Now THAT changes my perspective! He didn't ask "why" or "how long". He is enduring with grace and patience! Isn't that beautiful?

One of the scriptures that he rested in was Romans 8:28:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"

Three sentences..... you just never know how God is going to speak to you or who or what he might send to speak for him. He is always full of surprises. But what I do know is that is all the more reason for me to be sensitive to his voice and cognizant of his leading. Because if I'm not....well let's just say, I'm learning what I would be missing!

Today was a GREAT day! I'm really sorry it's winding down.......but I couldn't have asked for a more uplifting day!

Hope you had a God day!

XOXO

40 days in the wilderness...Day 4

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus"

Philippians 4:19

Sometimes it's hard to believe where a journey will take you and the things you will think about. I watched a short interview with Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar yesterday. They talked about the loss of their 20th child at 18 weeks gestation. Whatever your opinion on the Duggar family (and believe me I've heard everything from "good people" to....well let's just say some not so nice comments") they are faithful Christ followers. Watching the pain they went through and how they handled it with faith and grace was truly amazing. In her pain, just finding out via ultrasound, that their baby girl was no longer alive, she turned to her husband, crying and said "can we pray?". It was a beautiful, vulnerable moment. They did not chose this moment to be public but instead thought they were having a joyful moment to find out if their baby was a boy or girl.....and then the devastating news......hearing Michelle declare "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away" was both heartbreaking and uplifting. In addition to that she had to wait three days before the baby was born. She said she went home prayed a lot, read God's word and waited. WOW! What a testimony to the strength and power that God has available to all of us.

In light of her testimony, a little thing like sugar addiction seems to pale in comparison. You might ask, how does her testimony help me in MY circumstances. How can you even BEGIN to compare the two? You're right if you're thinking there is no comparison between her tragedy and my seemingly insignificant "addiction" BUT it's where or WHO I turn to when times are hard or when I feel I can't cope (and yes, I am referring to things other than the sugar here). Michelle Duggar is an example to me. It is clear WHO I need to seek FIRST.

Mine is a different type of story than most. I work from home with small children everyday. I have for 25 years. 10 hours each day it's just me and the under 5 crowd. Many, many times God speaks to me through the children, no question. But then there are times when he actually speaks to me, teaches me, through ways I would never expect. I'm lucky if I get to take a lunch hour each day. And it's not often that I can watch something on TV uninterrupted by someone having to go potty, a baby crying, a dog barking.....but yesterday was quiet and I turned on the TV and the channel was on Anderson Cooper (I've not ever watched his show) and he was just introducing Michelle and Jim Bob. So I listened to the interview. I was lifted up by her faith and focus. Whatever angers people about the Duggars keeps them from seeing and hearing the true blessing. They LIVE for Christ. He leads them! And whatever they are doing, it works for them!

We are all witnesses to each other. That can be a beautiful thing.

It's only the 4th day (and since it's the weekend I don't really know if I should count it) and this morning I was thinking "so far, this wilderness thing isn't so terribly bad". My focus is changing. I'm starting to forget what brought me here because I'm learning so much more than how to overcome sugar! Praise God!!

Have a God day!

XOXO

40 days in the wilderness - Day 3

I love when I have an A-ha moment everyday! And I love when that moment has nothing to do with me in any way! I love when I can truly rest in KNOWING that God's got it handled and then....wait for it.....HE SHOWS ME!!

When I began this journey (3 short days ago) I asked the Lord to give me something to hang on to each day to make my journey easier. Now, that doesn't mean it will be easy! I don't expect easy....this is a test, a trial, a discipline, a SACRIFICE. If I flew through this challenge it would not nearly have the impact at the end as it would if there was some struggle involved. Easier....not EASY. Bearable, not unbearable.

Of course, in my humanness, I want to tell God what I think that "thing" to hold onto should look like. "Lord, I prefer a scripture passage that I could write on a brightly colored index card (you KNOW, I LOVE color) and keep it in full view all day. Okay? Thanks, Lord". But I don't find those A-ha moments in MY instructions. "Dianna, allow God to work in your life and HE will lovingly give to you the joys of your heart"......that REALLY makes sense. So I vowed to allow God to lead me...whatever that looks like, even if it's not MY usual routine.

So....on day one my devotional took me to Psalm 121

"My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip--"

Pretty cool, huh? What a great verse to get me started. He will NOT let my foot slip!

Day two I found myself in Hebrews 12

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time; but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it".

......but this day it wasn't my devotional that took me there but instead my Women of Joy study on The Tabernacle.

And today, day three....I was "somewhat" lead to 1 John 5

"This is for the confidence we have in approaching God that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him."

Now I say "somewhat" because, in the prior two days, as soon as I read the verse I said "Thank you God!" and of course, I'm always amazed at his leading. Why? I don't know. It's just such a mystery how I can ask and it is given. So the above passage was wonderful and as I've been doing, I wrote it on an index card (today bright green) and it sits in full view where I can read it when I'm feeling weak!

But the Lord just works in ways we can't fathom. I have a wonderful sister in Christ who is one of my daycare moms. She came in this morning, handed her tuition check to me for the week and on it she had written a scripture. She said she hoped it would help me on my no-sugar journey! Really??? Really God??? Three days, three ways. This is the passage she gave me from 1 Cor 10

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it"

Ummm.....seriously, what can I say. I cannot make these things up. Today God chose a sister in Christ to deliver my strength for today! Just for today!

I could easily search scripture for all the verses that contain the words, peace, help, strength, perseverance, temptation.....and I could hold onto those verses and yes, they would help me. But, how sweet it is, to allow God to do the leading and give me what I need, just for today? Knowing that God picked that verse, special for me, to supply my need just for today is just beautiful.

I am so blessed.

Have a God day.

40 days in the wilderness...

The Lenten season has begun! I wrestled with what I might give up or sacrifice for 40 DAYS!! Mind you, that is 40 days NOT including weekends! So many things to decide....would it be something simple, something hard, would I tell anyone so that I could be held accountable or would I keep it to myself so that I could fail and nobody would know it? God knows what I need to do and He continued to prod me....so yes, I chose the "hard" and have declared it to all I know! There! Now it's out there....I am giving up sugar! Some may not really think that is a difficult thing to do. Don't ya just love those people who say "oh, I don't like sweets!" or "I'd much rather eat a carrot!" Please........really??? How is that possible? I know, God created me to be ME but if I could have given him just a tiny bit of help I would have opted for loving carrots over the craving of anything that tastes remotely sweet!

I began to really think about this sacrifice thing. I thought about how hard it will be for me. Especially since I'm married to a man that can eat absolutely anything and maintain his high school weight! Oh the pressure! But I really began to think a lot about the lack of discipline in my life all around. Isn't that really what sacrifice is all about? Being disciplined? Bill and I cleaned the house from top to bottom last weekend and I said "why can't it stay this way?" Lack of discipline! If I don't make a concerted effort EVERYDAY to pick up, clean up, attack clutter, control junk mail, clothing, shoes, beds, dog hair, kids, pets.....well, it's easy to see why it doesn't stay that way. Discipline...I've always had pets, I've always had kids, I've always worked full-time but never did I let things go......like I do now. "Oh, I'll clean up the kitchen in the morning"...."I'll vacuum tomorrow" and I know full well that tomorrow will not come until Saturday!

And that's not all....

I think back four years ago when I embarked on a healthier lifestyle. I worked hard, ate well, exercised like a maniac and lost 48lbs. Never did I feel better than I did that year. Then slowly....my lack of discipline and a million and one excuses found me slipping back into my old habits and before I could blink an eye I had 30lbs of that weight back on....none of my clothes fit, I was truly disgusted and disappointed in myself. Lack of discipline.....

So here I am. I've come to a crossroads and I'm making some changes.

I've lived in my tiny 1050 square foot home for 32 1/2 years. I moved so much as a child I swore when I got married I never would....and I haven't. To this day I still absolutely LOVE my house and am so thankful for it. Last year we remodeled the entire inside. Since Bill and I did most of the work, we can take great pride in looking at our accomplishments. Hence another reason why my lack of discipline in keeping it "new" was really wearing on me. On cleaning day we would work very hard and spend HOURS cleaning every nook and cranny and then sit back and say "wow, everything looks so nice" and at least once a week I say "I still love our house!". For 5 full days now I have been able to look around and really enjoy zero clutter, no "tumbleweeds", a shiny bathroom sink, beds made....it's been wonderful! Discipline!!

Isn't funny how a new perspective changes things. Now I'm not deep cleaning one day a week but instead doing a light cleaning every single day....May seem like more work but it means I get to enjoy a clean, picked up house everyday instead of just ONE day. Makes sense! Discipline!

Just looking at discipline in general is a hard thing. It means I have to change something about myself. I have to give MORE, do MORE, want MORE......but more, more, more means I have to DO, DO, DO. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to DO MORE!

Soooo now.....the sugar "thing". I am seriously addicted to sugar. I'm just going to lay it on the line. Cookies rarely last a day at our house because I've got to grab one every time I pass by. Chocolate....of boy, I'll search the house for a morsel or make a big mug of hot chocolate with way more than a dollop of whipped cream on top. Ice Cream will do it, marshmallow fluff, candy of any kind (unless it contains coconut) and the worst....I will open a can of icing and eat a few spoonfuls....Right this very minute I have homemade vanilla icing in my fridge! So when I say sacrifice...oh baby.....I don't even open the refrigerator door if I don't absolutely have to. And even if the icing needs to be thrown away, I may just keep it there just to say "I made it another day".

One discipline that I have maintained for several years now is my relationship with Jesus Christ. He shows me that I know the mechanics of being disciplined and He also tells me that he will help me, but guess what? I don't ASK him! Why do I not draw on the power of God to help me to discipline my life and get me on a track of healthy living? I guess I think it's a waste of God's time to ask for something so silly.

Wouldn't it just make sense that if I am going into the wilderness for 40 days, that I KNOW I'm not alone. That Christ is with me and he wants to be with me and he WANTS me to lean on him and not my own understanding! He does NOT want me to be alone! He wants to help me, He IS my help. Why does it take so much time to figure these things out. How can I really claim to have a relationship with Christ yet not know these simple things?

So, I am asking God to hold my hand and of course, he already was BEFORE I asked....I know that but I also asked for a turning of my heart. That I would really feel his presence, that I would be sensitive to his voice and cognizant of his leading. I've decided to blog my journey through the wilderness. I'm excited to see what God has in store for me. His beauty, his power, his love, his strength, his awesomeness will be MUCH sweeter than any amount of sugar I could eat!