"Sorrow makes us move more slowly and considerately and examine our motives and attitudes. It opens within us the capacities of the heavenly life, and it makes us willing to set our capacities afloat on a limitless sea of service for God and for others."
Streams in the Desert
January 20
*Where did our energy go?
*Where did our spice for life go?
*Why can't we get it in gear?
*What can't we find joy in what we used to?
How we desire to be "whole" again but what does it look like? In the early days of grief NONE of those questions are asked nor answers desired. The need to get through the next devastating minute of your new reality is a top priority.
And I can speak for myself now, approaching six years out from my great loss, that that time of slowing down is a necessary tool for healing.
*It is not something someone can do for you.
*There is no timeline.
*Each journey is different.
And just like this quote says, there is much examination of one's heart. Yes, examination of motives and attitudes. Grief takes oneself deep and sometimes dirty to places we've either not visited before or places we've visited and slammed the door shut.
Healing, NOT moving on, NOT forgetting, does happen. I can't actually explain it. I still cry...I still desperately miss my beloved...I always will but the reality is he is not here.....
But God...... in his infinite wisdom, has renewed my spirit. Through great pain and sorrow he has taken me on a journey that I never asked for nor wanted. And in all of that He has shown me renewed purpose. A beautiful gift from an amazingly loving God. This gift is not instantaneous. It is a working out until the moment it is delivered. For me, I was in my car at a red light. It was bittersweet.
Though I cried all the way home a heavy blanket was lifted from me that day. I think of the butterfly that actually has to struggle greatly to emerge from its cocoon. The struggle is necessary to pump strength into it's wings. Without the struggle it could not fly. Oh but after the struggle it's beauty is great, it's freedom so worth it.
God, the struggle was really difficult and I suspect I will have times in the future when I will revisit that prison of great pain. But I acknowledge, I am no longer the same and I can't say I still don't wish and desire my old life but, I am so very grateful for the new life you are laying out before me. Help me to remember that I am not who I think I am....I am who YOU say I am.
