Happiness - a state of well-being and contentment
Saturday, July 2, 2016
7:41 AM
I could add my own definition for happiness….it would go something like this:
Happiness - grasping at absolutely ANYTHING that will give one a SENSE of momentary cessation of deep, deep sadness.
I have spent 417 days trying to grasp on to anything that will give me even 5 minutes of a spark that remotely feels like happy! I think that is the grievers reality….I'm finding, more and more, that I fit into the perfect mold of a grieving soul. That is no consolation really……although to be validated when I can't remember things or I thought I knew something or when something totally knocks me off balance when it's something I would have previously slid right through, at least makes me feel like I'm not going crazy…..no, there is no consolation knowing that there are others suffering just like I am….that I'm not alone in my sadness…that other women are joining this group, this club called "widowhood". Even in the early days when I couldn't see a way out….a way of survival…..reading a book about someone that was one year out, or going to a support group where people were laughing….What??? How could that EVER be possible? If I had a choice, it would be my prayer that the widow's club be closed and the doors shuttered FOREVER. I would not ever desire that another woman would have to take this journey.
So, I've spent the last year indulging myself with momentary happiness. I book my schedule so tightly sometimes that I don't sit down until it's time for bed. I have turned my house upside down and inside out trying to replace EVERY little thing so that I don't have to question "was this before or after".
I have spent money like it's water on the most insignificant things…you name it, I've bought it. Just recently I bought a bag full of art supplies, came home sat the bag on the table and the next day realized I had never even opened it up….actually forgetting about it…..ME forgetting art supplies? That's when it hit me….art supplies, any kind of paper, stationary etc. doesn't give me momentary happiness anymore…..I have cycled through a LOT of other situations just like this only different "things".
A couple of days ago I went to the store……chips made their way into my shopping cart…so did Cheetos….so did trail mix…..these items only graced the shopping cart with their presence when HE did the shopping for him and the daycare….for me to have them in MY cart was ludicrous!! I had adopted THE healthiest lifestyle in the 18 months prior to "that" day….what was I doing. I got up the next morning, saw all of that sitting on the counter and thought "Who am I? Why did I buy that stuff?" I realized that, at that moment, even food (and I love to eat) doesn't do "it" for me anymore.
Even time, the elusive time, that always seemed so precious to me…..that I have ALL that I can possibly need…..means something totally different. I would crave the times when he would say "I'm going to head to the lake so you can have some time alone"…oh I'd grab my Bible, my journals, my pens, a hot cup of tea, comfy clothes and head to my favorite spot (my beautiful screened porch) and I would breath in God's Word and allow it to penetrate and renew me……today, I've been awake for three hours already….I have had two cups of tea, an English Muffin, washed two loads of clothes, fed the dogs…..have sat in my chair, Facebooked ad nauseam (referring to something that has been done or repeated so often that it has become annoying or tiresome) and I have not opened God's Word, not once……while that grieves me because I KNOW that happiness is temporary and that God's Word brings true, everlasting JOY….I just can't "get there".
I am distracted by small things…but small things are VERY big in the daily moving of someone who has experienced horrific tragedy. For example, I've been invited to four graduation parties and two weddings within a six week period of time this summer. Invitations addressed to just me…..Honestly, though I love, love, love those who are graduating and those who are getting married…I have to go alone….so the invitations sit as I ponder whether I can handle going and seeing those I may not have seen since the funeral…….there will be no dancing with my man…what if the DJ plays "Lady in Red"? Whose ear will I sing in to? Whose cheek will I brush with mine? Whose face will I smile at? Whose eyes will look back at me in adoration? But then I realize that any "firsts" and probably the 31sts are going to be hard. So whether it's the first time or the 20th, at some point, I need to get over the hump! So just this morning I responded yes to the two weddings and today I'm going to my second graduation party. Life can either move on around me or I can move with it. I NEED to move!! I have SO much to live for….I just wanted to do it WITH him…not without him.
As I sit here and tears roll down my cheeks I still can't believe I'm surviving…..God HAS sustained me. He has provided for ALL of my needs from financial to physical touch….EVERYTHING! It is the only way I am still standing. I am thankful. Were I not called to another purpose, I would not still be here. God isn't going to leave me alone and without purpose. Until he shows me what that purpose is, he is providing me a way through the everyday….the moment by moment. And when reality grips me like a vice and the tears flow….well, I let them. Then I pick myself up by the bootstraps and move forward…..
Jesus, life can be so hard and so cruel…..perspective, my perspective, is often skewed and unrealistic. Help me to want what YOU want for me NOT what I want. Give me the strength, courage and power to move forward without him. Help me to realize and see YOUR purpose for my life here on earth and help me to be obedient to your call. Amen.
Even time, the elusive time, that always seemed so precious to me…..that I have ALL that I can possibly need…..means something totally different. I would crave the times when he would say "I'm going to head to the lake so you can have some time alone"…oh I'd grab my Bible, my journals, my pens, a hot cup of tea, comfy clothes and head to my favorite spot (my beautiful screened porch) and I would breath in God's Word and allow it to penetrate and renew me……today, I've been awake for three hours already….I have had two cups of tea, an English Muffin, washed two loads of clothes, fed the dogs…..have sat in my chair, Facebooked ad nauseam (referring to something that has been done or repeated so often that it has become annoying or tiresome) and I have not opened God's Word, not once……while that grieves me because I KNOW that happiness is temporary and that God's Word brings true, everlasting JOY….I just can't "get there".
I am distracted by small things…but small things are VERY big in the daily moving of someone who has experienced horrific tragedy. For example, I've been invited to four graduation parties and two weddings within a six week period of time this summer. Invitations addressed to just me…..Honestly, though I love, love, love those who are graduating and those who are getting married…I have to go alone….so the invitations sit as I ponder whether I can handle going and seeing those I may not have seen since the funeral…….there will be no dancing with my man…what if the DJ plays "Lady in Red"? Whose ear will I sing in to? Whose cheek will I brush with mine? Whose face will I smile at? Whose eyes will look back at me in adoration? But then I realize that any "firsts" and probably the 31sts are going to be hard. So whether it's the first time or the 20th, at some point, I need to get over the hump! So just this morning I responded yes to the two weddings and today I'm going to my second graduation party. Life can either move on around me or I can move with it. I NEED to move!! I have SO much to live for….I just wanted to do it WITH him…not without him.
As I sit here and tears roll down my cheeks I still can't believe I'm surviving…..God HAS sustained me. He has provided for ALL of my needs from financial to physical touch….EVERYTHING! It is the only way I am still standing. I am thankful. Were I not called to another purpose, I would not still be here. God isn't going to leave me alone and without purpose. Until he shows me what that purpose is, he is providing me a way through the everyday….the moment by moment. And when reality grips me like a vice and the tears flow….well, I let them. Then I pick myself up by the bootstraps and move forward…..
Jesus, life can be so hard and so cruel…..perspective, my perspective, is often skewed and unrealistic. Help me to want what YOU want for me NOT what I want. Give me the strength, courage and power to move forward without him. Help me to realize and see YOUR purpose for my life here on earth and help me to be obedient to your call. Amen.
