Life - Sometimes so fleeting.......

I had a most unsettling experience this morning:


Laney is so into jewelry so this morning I got my old, old jewelry box down for her to explore and perhaps find a few trinkets to her liking. I found myself curious too.....there are stories and memories attached to many of the pieces.  I find myself unwilling to part with many and many more that have no meaning at all that Laney will happily wear and model. There was a bracelet given to me by my biological father when I was just a little girl. A locket he had given to my mother and she passed on to me. A necklace a daycare parent gave to me when her last child left my childcare for school. Rings that Bill has given to me over the years and jewelry I bought especially for Mandy's wedding. But my memories were about to get a huge jolt.  As I looked at a locket given to me by my cousin Karen, I was most surprised that the date engraved on the back was 6-6-76. Yes, today's date 36 years ago.


A little background is necessary here. I haven't seen Karen since 1989 when her and her young family were passing through on the way home from a...gosh I don't remember....I think a horse show.....I remember when they stopped by we had just gotten a new puppy.....for which Bill was NOT happy. The kids and I went and picked her out and brought her home and I was just sure Bill would love her....he did NOT and just like that, Karen offered to take her home with them. We had very little contact again after that.....Karen was a cousin from my mom's side of the family. My mom had a tumultuous childhood. Abandoned by her mother and then soon after abandoned by her father who could no longer take care of her, her brother and sister. Over the years we had little contact with her side of the family. My parents divorced when I was four years old and through custody battles, anger and misunderstandings I haven't seen my biological father in 43 years. I have very little memory of either side.  But somehow Karen found me! I think I was about 16 when we first met. I have to be honest, in my incredibly difficult childhood, if SHE didn't contact ME there would have been no contact at all. I was not equipped nor did I even begin to have the understanding of what it meant to be family. And then years went by and nothing....she was raising her children and I was raising mine and can I say, when raising children there is really little time for anything else. Writing this now, after my children have been raised, I realize what a horrible excuse but one I used all too often. It's pretty sad but if you weren't in my life for the duration, it was just too difficult for me to add one more thing to do or one more person to love. How is it that we find out, only too late, when we are older and empty nested, just how much those relationships would have meant in the long run. 


In the age of technology, my first thought was, "Hey, I wonder if she is on Facebook?". So I went right to my computer to see if I could find her. Couldn't find her or her husband or her daughters there so I did a Google Search. To my horror, I found a little blurb that read something like this, "Karen L. Rapp born October 7, 1955 died January 7, 1997".......She was 42 years old, had been dead for 15 YEARS and I didn't even know it. My heart is really sad today.....


This isn't the first time this has happened to me. There was a beautiful little girl that was the flower girl in my wedding.....she died a couple of years ago at the age of 36. I saw her obituary in the paper and was literally stunned. I had not seen or talked to her in 30 years. How does that happen? Oh, is it the children....I was just busy being a parent?....Excuses, excuses......


I don't even know what to say, how to react....I'm just stunned. Should I contact the family? Well, that's embarrassing....am I willing to put myself on the line like that? Am I willing to subject myself to the tough questions....like "why NOW, where were you THEN?" Ya know, God never promised that life would be easy...that there would be nothing but smooth sailing, no bumps in the road......everything shiny and pretty all the time. Times such as this are tough times but they are also PACKED with lessons.


"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail, They are new every morning, great is your faithfulness."


I am so thankful that God's mercies are new every morning. That I can count on Him 100% of the time to be there for me and to keep his promises to me. He will not forsake me, He will never leave me. I also know that if I ask, He will give me the answers for which my heart searches.


Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord;
O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.


If you, O Lord, kept record of sins
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.


I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word, I put my hope.


And one more:


O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise,
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O Lord.


Dear Heavenly Father,
I am thankful that you know me and that you know my thoughts and words.
I pray that you would give me the strength and courage to NOT use excuses
that keep me from doing the things that I should and loving the people you've
placed in my path. Certainly the ones that have come into my life under the
most unusual, unexpected way. Help me to learn from these experiences
that really hurt my heart that I might chose the path that you would choose
and not my own selfish one. Thank you for always forgiving me even when
I don't deserve it. Thank you for your lessons. May they never be wasted
on me. In Jesus' precious, powerful, loving name I pray...
Amen


Have a God Day!
XOXO