First I struggle....than I act.....

In hindsight I realize that if I had acted FIRST I wouldn't have struggled at all! WOW, what a revelation.....Let me explain.....

Each year as the school year ends I look SO forward to a relaxing summer. Since I am blessed to have a daughter that teaches, she too, can share her relaxing summer with me! And now that the grandchildren have come along, they too, are a huge part of my relaxing summer. So excitement was high come April 27th, the day Gavin was born. I would be able to spend time with my daughter, granddaughter and grandson a month before school was even out! Seriously, I am so blessed!

Fast forward FOUR MONTHS!! YIKES!! I do not know where that time went. I had a wonderful summer. Not only with Mandy and the kidders but with my church friends, my best friend, my walking friend, my family, my husband.....and now, alas, it is ended. When Mandy left last Thursday (her birthday and our last day together) I cried. Darn it! I did not want to cry in front of her because, she too, was going through her own sadness about leaving the kids and going back to work. But I couldn't hold my tears nor was I able to with anyone I talked about it with...my mom, my sister in law, my friends at church.....I had so much bottled up emotion. I would SO miss my girl....being able to pick up the phone and call her anytime, planning outings with all the kids.....just being able to pick up and go whenever we wanted. It was back to full time work, new families beginning, no adult company, loneliness.....yes, I had to get used to being alone again. For some reason this year has been especially difficult. I was sad...very, very sad. Emotional.....very, very emotional.

Sunday, at church, Sarah talked about changes in her life too. One daughter going back to school, one getting married....how life would be different...she got teary eyed. I wanted to share my changes but I could not talk without SOBBING! I simply could not talk about it at all.

Then the final straw, the final nail in the coffin.....criticism from my husband!! He addressed something he saw, from his perspective. I was not really happy about it! Couldn't he just sympathize with me? Support me?

Hmmm......correction, rebuke...whatever.....I don't like it. My first reaction is to defend myself. Then my second action is to really examine myself (silently of course.........do I REALLY want my husband to know he "may" be right?)

So that was Saturday evening......

It's been a week of my new hours and I'm still stinging (and pouting) for the severe cut in my time with the Lord. From two to three HOURS each morning to about 45 minutes unless I want to start getting up at 4am. That is just not going to happen. Another adjustment....more sadness...... UGH! But after my husband's comments I was determined to turn things around.

So I ACTED!! During my devotional this morning I just laid it all out to the Lord. I CRIED OUT to him to renew me, renew my spirit and joy for my job. Help me to be patient and to have self-control...to watch my tongue, to be kind and loving in my responses, help me not to miss Mandy so much.....after all, it's not like I won't talk to her everyday or see her at least twice a week.......and as only God can do.....He delivered.....in a big, amazing way!

I've been reading The Tender Commandments by Ron Mehl and Psalm 139:23-24 was noted in the chapter about the 4th Commandment. Now watch this girls, watch how the Lord puts everything together......I have a bookmark in this very book that I had written, at some time or another, on the back of it Psalm 139:23-24!!! I thought to myself "hey, those very verses are written on my bookmark so it must be something I really liked". Ready.....?

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Okay, that blew me away!! But it didn't end there. I just kept on reading.

O Lord, I call to you; come quickly to me.
Hear my voice when I call to you.
May my prayer be set before you like incense;
my the lifting up of my hands be like the
evening sacrifice.

Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord;
keep watch over the door of my llips.
Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil;
to take part in wicked deeds with men who
are evildoers; let me not eat of their delicacies.
Psalm 141:1-4

AND THEN......

I cry aloud to the Lord;
I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.
I pour out my complaint before him;
before him I tell my trouble.

When my spirit grows faint within me;
it is you who know my way. In the
path where I walk men have hidden a
snare for me.
Psalm 142:1-3

AND THEN......

O Lord, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfullness and righteousness
come to my relief.
Psalm 143:1

I kept reading until the first kids arrived and my spirit was renewed . I had such a peace about me that I felt like a totally different person!! I had an awesome day. I always, always, always, find comfort in the Lord. ALWAYS!! But, it seems, I must anguish over things FIRST....I need to go to the Lord FIRST, find those scriptures that so comfort me.....I'm learning...little by little, day by day.....what a journey I'm on I cannot speak about it without feeling such excitement!!

So.....the lesson today.......ask and it will be given, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened......how easy is that?

Love you gals.
XOXO