Moment by Moment

 

May 11, 2015

7 years
84 months
364 weeks
2,548 days
61,152 hours
3,669,120 minutes

May 11, 2022

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."
Psalms 90:12

As I began to try to put today into words I thought, "What if I look at the seven years since "that" day instead of "that" day?" "That" day does and always will bring an immense amount of pain to the forefront. Every little detail is like slow motion running through my head...this last week has been like groundhog day on steroids.

But God.....

Can I rejoice knowing I will see him again? Can I be grateful our children and grandchildren are thriving? Can I be thankful that even in great loss God has sustained me mentally, physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually? Can I stand firm in the outrageous provision that I survived at all? Can I call myself blessed by my family, friends and church community? Can I say with great certainty that God works for the good of those who love him? Can I know, in my heart, that if I wake up tomorrow his mercies ARE new?

When I look at the increments in time broken down it gives me a really good picture of what walking out this life looks like. Sometimes I say this time next year when planning vacation or waiting for a big event. Or maybe talk about a wedding I'm planning to attend in six months. Or maybe it's an appointment I have next week. Or I'm watching my grandchild tomorrow. But most of the time I'm living in the moment to moment.....which means I've had 3,669,120 moment by moment opportunities in the last seven years. When you've experienced trauma you can't think beyond the present. I remember each minute being excruciating. I remember after nearly a year the first day I didn't cry for an entire 24 hours. As I write I cannot believe that I have survived over three and half million moments.

Praise God!

Every year since that day, I pray for a verse. Each year God has been gracious to provide a verse that teaches me something about him and/or myself. Sometimes it's painful but I'm grateful for the growth. This verse for 2022 is exactly what I need. I need to focus on that which is true and right and lovely. I need to use what I've learned and put it into practice.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."
Philippians 4:8‭-‬9

Can I get up tomorrow and begin year eight with new focus and fresh insight? I don't know.....I want to but I simply cannot do it in my own strength. It's too hard. But praise be to God I don't have to.

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:13

These days, the memories and the loss are still painful and they always will be....I am not fooled.....I will miss my beloved all of the days God gives me on this earth without him. But I only have to live in them one moment at a time and God's peace will rest on me. For today, that is enough.

In due time...

"But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed."
Luke 5:16 NIV

Scripture never says that Jesus WAS lonely....certainly he had reason to be. He was ridiculed and mocked....sarcasm was the name of the game when it came to the Pharisees...he was not highly esteemed...Isaiah said he had no beauty, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him....he was despised and rejected....

Yet he was not lonely for he knew where and from whom his true worth came. He knew who REALLY mattered.

"The demands of life pushed Jesus to prayer, not from it." (EWC)

He suffered at the hands of men and certainly all of us have or will at some time in our lives. Whether it be loss, rejection, heartache, anguish, distress......fill in the blank.

"We sometimes associate “being alone” with “being lonely,” and it is important to realize that there is a difference between those two. Being “alone” is a physical state where you are physically by yourself. Being “lonely” is an emotional state where you are feeling alone or disconnected from others – even when they’re right next to you. Sometimes we are happy to be by ourselves, and sometimes we wish for the company of others.
–Sharon Melin, MA, Outpatient Therapist.

In these last years I have maintained that I am not lonely. I don't feel disconnected. I don't desire a new partner. I have friends, family, grandkids. If I had to pinpoint the "it" I'd say I feel a lack of worth. Like, "Shouldn't I be doing something? God, can't you use me?" I'm no longer a wife, my kids are raised, I've got time, time and more time.

I've got a plan! I've got it all mapped out....what it all should look like. THAT is a bad plan. 🤦🏻‍♀️ As much as it's been proven that I cannot plan my own journey I still try. I'm almost always disappointed. Some may "crinkle" at the old adage "Let go and let God" but at this point I'm learning that it's true.

I read a great blog post (full link below) that said this:

"Jesus had a minimal window of time to be on earth. He could have spent all of His time in ministry, buried in fulfilling tasks or within crowds. There was certainly a demand for it all. But we read throughout the Gospels that He often sent the crowds away so He could pray."

Is that not so with us too!? Oh, I could orchestrate a great plan to keep me very busy all the time but is God telling me not to get buried in tasks and demands that keep me from him?

And this:

"Success and popularity are not always proof that God wants you to keep doing what you are currently doing. Even then, you still need to come away with Him. Sometimes God will move you in a different direction even though things seem to be going great!"

This is SO hard! But, alas, it doesn't make it any less true.

https://www.herlegacynetwork.com/post/7-reasons-to-get-alone-with-god

Being alone is a surrendering of all that you had and all that you hoped for....it's laying down your comfort zone, your dreams, your will, your desires, even your strengths.....it's saying, "Here I am Lord. I am your empty vessel to fill as you choose."

I'm learning albeit slowly, sometimes with lack of patience, sometimes lack of heart, sometimes with sadness and sometimes with joy that I am not in control. That clearly is a heart issue.

"My son, give me your heart and let your eyes delight in my ways..."
Proverbs 23:26

Can't say it better than the Word of God:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
1 Peter 5:6‭-‬7

In due time......

Thanks be to God I am never alone.

The number seven..

This morning I pondered this question: "Is there something unique about the completion of the seventh year of grief?" Why am I seemingly more weepy, less motivated? Why does my couch seem more comforting than being with people? Why do I feel like I'm walking through quicksand? Why Lord did "I Will Rise" come on the radio in the car last night? If I would not have literally said, "Stop it Dianna!" I would have had to pull over. See, that was the song so beautifully sung at the memorial service....I remember (what I wish I could forget) my arms around my youngest son singing those words, "I will rise when he calls my name....no more sorrow, no more pain..." into his ear. Dear God, the grief and numbness.....I will never forget....

I'm guessing that just about everyone who's suffered loss thinks as the years go by grieving the "anniversary" might, just maybe, slip by with minimal discomfort. Like we can trick our brain into thinking it's not THAT day.

Today is Mother's Day. Seven years ago today was the last day I walked into church on the arm of the man I had loved for 41 years. I remember my new dress and the shirt he picked out to match that dress. More than anything though is remembering the joy on his face. He had only been going to church with me for nine months but in those short months he, like was always so easy for him, had gotten to know people and felt right at home. Those, literally were the happiest days of my life. Seven years later I still want THAT joy back.

I began to dig into the number seven. I read articles that talked about cells turning over every seven years and I thought, "Ah ha!! I AM experiencing something different." That's grief...always trying to explain it....but alas not so...just as many articles debunked that notion. So that's not it.....

Did you know that a woman goes through seven hormonal cycles in a lifetime? Interesting...but that's not it either.....

Did you know the number seven is significant in scripture?

"The number seven is especially prominent in Scripture, appearing over 700 times. From the seven days of Creation to the many “sevens” in Revelation, the number seven connotes such concepts as completion and perfection, exoneration and healing, and the fulfillment of promises and oaths."

Fascinating full article here:

https://www.christianity.com/wiki/bible/what-is-the-biblical-significance-of-the-number-7.html

What might the "sevens" teach me about my walk through grief?

Completion and Perfection

I can take great comfort that Christ's crucifixion actually completed for me, the promise of eternal life. It sealed the promise that I will be reunited with my beloved. I will be made new and perfect. No more crying.... (Revelation 21:4)

Exoneration and Healing

When Jesus tells Peter to forgive seventy times seven he gives the example of how he forgives me. Infinity! Without limits! In an ever changing world Jesus shows me consistency. I can count on him! Take it to the bank! It's a done deal! I am forever sealed. And the healing power? Oh, though my heart is broken I am never alone. Never unloved. Never out of sight.

Fulfillment of Promises & Oaths

There is no one on this earth that will not disappoint me, grieve me, sadden me or fail me at some point in time. We are imperfect human beings in the need of a Savior! There is not a single promise, from the rainbow after the flood to the wiping of every tear that either has been or will be fulfilled exactly as it it written in God's Word.

Today is a particularly hard day.....and the days to follow aren't going to be any easier. I miss him. I miss us. I miss doing life with him. I always will. There will never not be a Mother's Day when I won't see us walking into church together. The smiles on our faces, the joy in our hearts. It hurts.

But Jesus ...

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.
1 Thessalonians 4:13

"Our sorrow is like the sadness of seeing someone off on a long trip, knowing you will see them again, but not for a long time."
(EWC)

Until that day I'll rest in the arms of Jesus....

Shifting my focus....

 

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:22‭-‬23

I woke this morning with God's Word on my mind. Such a beautiful passage....such hope. I'm not good at pretending.....these days are hard...I can't NOT think about next week....that day....that phone call.....THAT moment.... those words. Forever etched in my brain. Forever....You know what's "funny"? I've never found a single activity that can shift my focus for more than a second or two.

What I have learned over these years is that while I can't seem to shift my focus I am never alone. I love the Lord with all my heart....I did then and I do now. What I've realized is that when all is going well and as I think it should, God is my Rock whom I praise and worship. And when things fall apart and I'm in unimaginable pain God is my sounding board to whom I lament. Breaks my heart to write that. God is neither of those things AND both of those things.....

"In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly."
Psalms 5:3

Lay down the good and the bad. He is always there ready, willing and quite able to take ALL that I lay before him. He wants to hear my praises and he wants to comfort me in my sadness.

"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always."
Psalms 105:4

Seek his face always..in every circumstance.

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me."
Micah 7:7

I have hope as I wait. He hears me in good times and bad.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:18

Do I see and truly understand that this world is temporary?

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."
Isaiah 43:2

See, this is the point. God says, "In this world you WILL have trouble. Take heart! I have overcome the world!" He says, "I WILL be with you!"

Hard days WILL come, period. No amount of food, fellowship, fun...or shopping will stop them. That means sitting in the pain of that day. Allowing tears to freely flow, feeling all the feelings AND praising in the midst that I'm not alone. That he is a compassionate God that promises, "WHEN you walk through the fire, you will NOT be burned up."

Shifting my focus from what I cannot control to focusing on my God who IS in control and is always with me provides the very peace I seek. I can't explain it...well ... because I'm not God...but I know it to be true.

"That" day will come every year. My senses have not dulled...it hurts always as it did that day. Time cannot take away the memories of loss. Like the loss, Gods promise to be with me in the fire, never changes either. As I sit here today and write what I know to be true, I'll remind myself on "that" day that his mercies are new every morning. Great is his faithfulness.

Thank you Jesus that this world and these 70 or 80 years are just a blip on eternity.

Sharing a meal....

 

And while they still did not believe it because of joy and amazement, he asked them, “Do you have anything here to eat?”
Luke 24:41

I read a commentary that said sharing a meal was considered a warm, intimate time of sharing life together.

Isn't that true? I just set up a time to meet with my small group and someone asked if we were eating? Of course! Beginning with a meal and fellowship is perfect for catching up....it's warm and it's intimate and it's fun and it's relaxing and so very beneficial for our well-being. It's a great time to share life together and to love and care for each other.

"There is something particularly enjoyable about sharing a meal with someone. But now researchers believe it may provide some health benefits, too. Frequently eating alone can have a negative impact on health, especially for mature women. Researchers discovered that eating alone may increase heart health risks."
verywellfit.com

I so get it! My beloved and I cooked together, ate together and cleaned up together. We had wonderful conversation and held each other accountable. Now high cholesterol and blood pressure have me medicated. My doctor's advice? "You need to eliminate stress" I haven't figured out how to do that.....yet.....🤦🏻‍♀️

Jesus sought to create friendships and relationships. Can you imagine a more intimate conversation than when he revealed what he knew about the woman at the well and her many husbands? Even a drink of water provides an opportunity for relationships.

And the Pharisees....

"While Jesus was having dinner at Levi’s house, many tax collectors and sinners were eating with him and his disciples, for there were many who followed him."
Mark 2:15

The Pharisees were indignant!

"When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: “Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?”
Mark 2:16

But Jesus.....❤️

"On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
Mark 2:17

Eating is very prevalent in the Bible. From the Garden of Eden, to the Passover, to The Last Supper.

I was listening to a sermon the other day and it was talking about inviting people to your house to share a meal. And the question was, "Who would you invite?"

It was mentioned that we would naturally invite family and friends...but would we dare invite the "unlovely".....the least of these.

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
Matthew 25:40

I was so convicted. Of course I would invite friends, those I'm comfortable with. But that's not Jesus' example to me.

"Jesus often used meals to engage with people and teach important lessons. And he continues to call us to his table to feast on who he is and learn more about him through his Word. Jesus’ example provides an opportunity to invite friends, outcasts and even enemies to know God’s story of love and salvation."
(ibelieve.com)

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him and him with me."
Revelation 3:20

“This was the meal at which a man sat and talked for long, for now there was time, for work was ended... it is not a mere courtesy visit, paid in the passing, which Jesus Christ offers to us. He desires to come in and to sit long with us, and to wait as long as we wish him to wait.” (Barclay)

Fellowship and deep relationship is what God desires with us. But he also desires that WE share fellowship with those that may not know him.

Food draws people. Food starts conversations. Lord knows I have had my share in a grocery store over a package of pork chops. 🤭

How am I reaching out to share a meal? How could I do better? I need only look at my own need for fellowship and of course to Jesus' perfect example to offer it to others.

"Just as he shared food with all sorts and conditions of people as a sign of the inclusivity of God's kingdom, so too did the early church. The gatherings to eat together were earthly representations of the heavenly banquet imagery that had been reinforced by Jesus through his teaching as well as his actions."
(holyhabits.org)

Can you imagine what dinner will look like in heaven? Glorious beyond glorious. 🙌

He is making all things new!

"And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
Revelation 21:5

"He is making ALL things new!"

As one reads the Bible, God's very inspired words, take note of the absolutes. He WILL make ALL things new. No need to doubt (He WILL), and not just some things but ALL things.

Then he says, "Write this down." He doesn't say, "If you want to" or "If you think you can remember don't worry about it." No! Do it! Why? Because they ARE trustworthy and true and of great worth!

I became curious of the absolute words in scripture.

Absolute - true, right or the same in all situations and not depending on anything else.

Reading scripture with absolutes in mind changes the way you think about it.

•I AM the bread of life
•He who comes to me will NEVER be thirsty
•I AM the Good Shepherd
•I AM the way
•I AM the truth
•I AM the life
•I WILL provide
•I WILL give you rest
•DON'T be afraid
•The Word of God stands FOREVER
•My grace IS sufficient for you

•My power IS made PERFECT in weakness
•Do NOT worry
•I KNOW you
•Whoever believes him who sent me HAS eternal life and WILL NOT be condemned

Jesus answered, “It is written: "Man shall NOT live on bread alone, but on EVERY word that comes from the mouth of God.’”
Matthew 4:4

Jesus doesn't mince words. He says what he means and means what he says ALL of the time! He is consistent 100% of the time.

How many times do I find myself backtracking? Saying, "I didn't mean THAT." Or, worse yet, denying I said something at all. Or, too many times to count, my feelings take over and I end up apologizing for an emotional rant.

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
James 1:19‭-‬20

Jesus is my perfect example. Did he get frustrated? Yes! Did he have to be stern at times and speak truth? Yes! But did he EVER speak truth without love? Never! Without good intentions? Never! Without taking the greater good into account? Never! Without using every opportunity as a teaching moment? Never! Did Jesus sometimes remain silent? Yes! Did he often remain silent when he would have been completely justified defending himself? Absolutely!

A quote I read a long time ago has stuck with me. It goes like this:

"Are you simply listening to respond or are you simply listening?" Am I formulating my response to someone in the midst of their comments or am I really listening to what they're saying?

He IS listening! God listened to Job lament, pour out his great sorrows, wrestle with his friends and combat a bitter wife for 37 chapters!!! He listened with great compassion and great patience. He HEARD Job!! And when he finally spoke Job was ready to listen. God spoke some hard truths to Job. "Where were you when I laid the Earth's foundation?" "Have you ever given orders to the morning or shown the dawn it's place?" Job thought he just might have known better than God.

You might say, "Really Job?" But truth be told when my beloved was taken in a second by a senseless choice, I, for sure, thought I knew better than God! Really God? This? No! This is not good! And it wasn't!

Some may think walking with the Lord is all health, wealth and prosperity. Just accept Jesus and life will be good! All will be well! Scripture actually never says that. What it does say is this, "In this world you WILL have trouble." But the absolute beauty is the very next sentence, "Take heart! I HAVE overcome the world."

This world isn't all there is to those who know, listen and follow Jesus.

I love the song Firm Foundation.

"Christ is my firm foundation...the Rock on which I stand...when everything around me is shaking....I've never been more glad...that I put my faith in Jesus... he's NEVER let me down...he's faithful through every season ...so why would he fail now....he won't..."

And so I'll end where I began, "I AM making ALL things new."

In an ever changing, hard world I am going to hold fast to Jesus. His Words are sometimes hard and sometimes comforting but ALWAYS true. And I cannot wait for this day:


"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he WILL dwell with them. They WILL be his people, and God himself WILL be with them and be their God."
Revelation 21:3

Oh what a glorious day it WILL be!

And this....Lord, I can't wait...

"He WILL wipe EVERY tear from their eyes. There will be NO more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things HAS passed away.”
Revelation 21:4

No more death or mourning or crying or pain....again I say...

What a glorious day it WILL be!

Go and make disciples

This morning I woke with this on my mind:

"Go and make disciples......"

This part of scripture is also known as The Great Commission. As I began to study it became clear that it was going to be a very interesting morning.

Lord, I'm not sure why this thought was placed in my mind this morning but you do. Help me, as I study, to see what it is you want me to learn and what application looks like for my life. I rely on your leading. Amen.

So let's look at The Great Commission in context:

Jesus was getting ready to ascend to heaven so this passage is essentially giving the disciples their "marching orders".

"Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
Matthew 28:16‭-‬20

“When they recognized him, it was natural that they worshipped him, but the whole experience was so mysterious and overwhelming that some doubted…The verb distazo does not denote a settled unbelief, but a state of uncertainty and hesitation.” (France)

I thought, for a long time, that walking with Jesus, in the flesh, must have been so much easier than walking in the Spirit as we do today. That a physical body to look at, to touch, to watch and to hear surely must have made faith easier, trust more abundant, courage and strength a given, obedience natural. No doubt, no uncertainty, no hesitation. ALL IN! What a silly notion. Faith in Jesus (seen) then, is no different than faith in Jesus (unseen) today.

I digress.....

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations....."

Disciple - a person who accepts and assists in the spreading of the good news of Jesus Christ.

That is me! That is everyone who professes Jesus as Savior! It is a command. We are to DO IT!

"Make disciples reminds us that disciples are made. Disciples are not spontaneously created at conversion; they are the product of a process involving other believers. This making of disciples is the power of spreading Christianity." (EWC)

Disciples are not spontaneously created......it's a process.....Hmmmm

Not that I didn't realize it before today but even more so now......being a disciple of Jesus Christ is essential, imperative and commanded for those who have excepted Christ as their personal Savior.

So, I AM a disciple of Christ.....what does it look like in my day to day life? I went on a search to answer, "What does a disciple of Christ look like?" Here are a couple of answers I came across:

1. A disciple is a believer who follows Christ and then offers his own imitation of Christ as model for others to follow (Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ. 1 Corinthians 11:1)
A disciple is first a believer who has exercised faith by baptism. (Acts 2:38).

2. It's a devotion to Christ FIRST, then devotion to his teaching because of an existing personal PASSIONATE devotion to the person of Christ. Surrender and dependence on Christ FIRST.

In some ways I was crushed by #2 and in other ways delivered to a deeper, much greater understanding.

Deep down, there is no one more miserable than the lukewarm Christian. They have too much of the world to be happy in Jesus, but too much of Jesus to be happy in the world. (EWC)

I don't want to be a lukewarm Christian. I want to be on fire for Christ!

I must FIRST have a personal PASSIONATE devotion to Christ! THEN devotion to his teaching BECAUSE OF the personal PASSIONATE relationship created by devotion to him FIRST!

When I retired last year I prayed, "Okay Lord use me! Here I am!! I'm ready to serve your kingdom!" I was excited! I was available! To this point doors to serve are being shut. I don't understand why......It's painful! My desires are GOOD things but not HIS plan for me. My things are not God's things. And after fighting it for months I now have a new understanding. I'm not resigned...I have not adopted a "whoa is me" attitude.....I'm not mad....I'm not discouraged.... perhaps resolved. When I look at my role as a disciple I realize that I have some work to do . Why? Because if my role as a disciple is to FIRST have a passionate, personal relationship with my Savior, I've fallen short. I don't think I'm there yet and to be a disciple, as I am commanded to be, I MUST BE passionately devoted to Christ FIRST. And the time I now have gives me the opportunity to cultivate that passion.

I need to embrace where I am. I don't know this but God may be preparing me for something OR maybe the whole purpose of this quieter life is to know him with passion, period. REALLY know him! And just maybe, knowing him passionately is what life is going to look like for my future and that has to be enough. It IS enough.

In allowing God to lead I have to remove my hand from the equation. Honestly, I don't want to orchestrate my own plans. I'm weary. I don't have a desire to make things happen. I'm depleted. The desire to serve the kingdom will always be what my heart wants...but it may look very different than what I see. And I'm really okay with that. There's so much peace in trusting that I'm not in control and that I don't have to be.

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him. And he will direct your path."
Proverbs 3:5-6

"And the peace that passes understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6

I've sufferd from "All IN" OR "ALL OUT" syndrome my entire life. Struggling to find balance is a common occurrence.

But, praise God! I can and should be be ALL IN for Him. No balance needed! How precious is that!!?